When the Body Is Unwell
Cuando el cuerpo no está bien
A question about meditating while physically unwell, feeling spaced out, and whether illness diminishes the quality of practice.
When the Body Is Unwell
A question about meditating while physically unwell, feeling spaced out, and whether illness diminishes the quality of practice.
I always wonder about physical problems, not being well or not feeling well, and how that affects things. It really affected the meditation this time. I was so spaced out. Do you have any thoughts about meditating in that state?
From experience, I have had a lot of fixation on physical maladies. It is quite complex, but I will try to be brief.
There was a deep sense in me of physical discomfort from life, various pains and difficulties. And with that came a belief that things needed to be different in order for everything to be okay. I carried a deep conviction that I could not be at peace unless I was in some form of physical well-being. That was a really deep belief. I had heard a million times that it was not necessary, and still I could not shake it off.
The belief that you cannot be okay unless you are physically okay
So I would recommend looking at that: any sense, even if it is subtle, that you simply cannot be okay unless you are physically okay. Just look at that.
If you are sick, if you have a flu or something, it is uncomfortable. It is unpleasant. And that is part of what is happening. It does not mean you want it, choose it, or prefer it. You can still prefer to get well while being completely immersed in the experience of what is happening. An aspect of that experience is that you are sick, physically unwell and uncomfortable. But it is not everything of your reality. It is not everything that is happening. It is just what is happening in one very specific aspect of you and your experience.
Spaciness and the idea of a "good" meditation
The third thing you mentioned was being spacey. To me, that points to a sense that meditation should be in a certain state or should play out in a certain way. If you are spaced out or distracted, it feels like a lower-quality meditation, like you are not meditating as well or as deeply, and that something has been lost. That is also part of a belief structure.
The meditation does not have to be in any particular way. In fact, being sick and being spaced out could be a better meditation than any other, if we are going to talk about comparing. There are many meditation traditions that deliberately create physical discomfort in order to produce a contrast, so that you can discover a deeper sense of being okay in spite of that discomfort. So just notice any sense of wanting to achieve or get to a particular state. That is entirely unnecessary. It is a mental construct that meditation should play out in a certain way.
Yeah, very good. Good catch.
Surrender versus resignation
Coming back to the meditation from last week, when I was talking about sinking into a tub of hot water: right now the tub of hot water is being physically unwell. This is not about resignation, where you no longer look forward to anything better. It is about surrendering into the moment. You can still be fully surrendered into the experience and also prefer, and even work towards, improving the situation. Resting, taking medicine, whatever it is you can do. There can still be an aliveness and a vitality as you navigate that situation with love and an energy of joy. Not fabricating joy that is not there, but understanding the difference between resignation and surrender.
Resignation is: "Well, this is how it is and it is terrible." There can be a grayness when you look forward into time. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about surrendering into the moment while not resigning your desires, your passions, your vitality. What you are looking forward to might simply be wanting to rest. That could be the whole of what you are experiencing in a particular moment, and that is enough.
But look into any sense that this moment is not okay, or that the meditation ten minutes ago was not in the right space. There might be a subtle self-criticism. I am not saying you are experiencing it, but that is how I could imagine the mind operating when one is physically unwell.
Tenderness toward ourselves
And there is the tenderness toward ourselves when we are not well, a vulnerability and kindness, being gentle and understanding that even if it is something minor, even just a flu, it is very unpleasant. To have that soft, loving gentleness toward ourselves matters.
The aliveness that is always here
There is always, no matter what is happening, the reality of aliveness, beingness, experiencing. It is that which there are no words to point to. It is so primary and ubiquitous, always there, that we take it for granted and undervalue it. But it is actually the biggest treasure.
The closer our attention, our sense of self, our sense of center draws near to that, it is like a radiance, a subtle sense of aliveness. I can begin to feel every moment, every experience that is painful or challenging, with that subtle radiance. It is a sight which is non-located, which does not have a center, does not have a place, does not have location in time. It can be called presence, but it is not in a present moment, because all of time is inside of it. And it is already there. It is already now. It is already you. It just gets overlooked. It is like the home of all homes.
Discovered in the most difficult situations
It has been discovered and described in very difficult situations. In the desert, and more fully on the cross. On deathbeds and in the deepest depressions. In concentration camps. In the intimate experience of the terror of dying. Often it is precisely because of those situations, because of that intensity and contrast, that one can be forced into surrender, forced to make a more radical choice: to make a home in that which has no place, shape, or form. In empty fullness and presence. No longer a home attached to forms that change and come and go. Not a home built on conditions placed upon life.
The choice at every moment
Whenever there is a sense of "I want that, I want to get there," it is here. It is already present. There is a choice, in a sense, to cultivate it, which means to lean into it more and more. To lean into preferring surrender over fighting with what is. To follow the deep desires that are given to us by the universe, trusting them, rather than following the preference of fighting with what is and getting our way.
Desires that come out of a smaller sense of self, desires that come out of fear of some pain, do not go deep. At every moment there is a choice. The more we are able to choose to deepen our being, surfing and dancing with those deeper desires that often are out of our control and come from the largeness of the universe, the more alive we become.
What makes your heart sing, what makes you feel expanded and expansive, what gives you joy: that is a sign of a deeper love, a deeper desire. It could also be terrifying. A deeper desire is always in harmony with the moment. It is always in full acceptance and flow with the moment. It is never in opposition to it. It is always in creativity from it. Desires that come from opposition to the moment are born out of fear.