Free Fall Without a Net
Caída libre sin red
A student shares her experience of traveling alone through a country in crisis, discovering that the hostility she long perceived in the world may have been a mind construct, and finding unexpected love and openness in the midst of darkness.
Free Fall Without a Net
A student shares her experience of traveling alone through a country in crisis, discovering that the hostility she long perceived in the world may have been a mind construct, and finding unexpected love and openness in the midst of darkness.
I'm going to sound like a broken record, going round and round again, but I am so grateful for this group. I'm traveling right now, and I've come to the conclusion that I hate traveling. But now I'm almost into the third week, and I'm settling into it. It's okay. It's like juggling another ball, then another ball. I can do this.
One of my biggest limitations, the imprint from my past, is that my cognitive faculties close down. It's like, "Help me, help me." Here I am traveling. I have to deal with everything. I'm all by myself in this "hostile world." And I have to tell you: I've never been in this place in my life. It's free fall, again and again and again. There's nothing to hold on to, and there's so little reactivity. There's so much love, so much gratitude. It's blowing my mind.
I am traveling in a country that is imploding. It's Israel. I lived here during two wars. I visited during two intifadas. Those are nothing compared to what's going on right now. It can be overwhelming, but it's just another thing. It's just another thing. So I figure out: what do I need to do to deal with this moment, right here, right now? That's all. I don't have to save the country. It's phenomenal.
It's not that I'm walking around like Jesus, although I just visited the Jordan River where supposedly he was baptized by John the Baptist. Someone took me there. What a scene.
Beyond all that, I just want to say: it's the imperfection. It just keeps flowing, opening. Another opening, another beginning. It's a new moment every time. I don't need to figure it out. I don't need to be enlightened. I just feel so much love, so much openness.
And it's not that I'm great. It's that I keep bringing myself to these places, with you and other people, and it happens by itself. Despite me. Who would have thought? I come from such a dark, dark place. The world was so hostile for most of my life. Now I'm finding out that maybe it was a mind construct. What a cool discovery.
I barely want to say anything because I feel you're in such a great place that I don't want to touch it. You sound amazing.
Touch anything you want. I love hearing you. Go for it.
The mind construct and the collective
What you're going through, I truly respect, because I have not been in the kind of places you have and where you have lived. But what you're describing, what you just said about a mind construct: it is that, and it's not a small thing. Because that's what the collective in that country is immersed in. That construct is what breeds the violence. That construct is what breeds the conflict.
That's what I'm experiencing. Watching people take a pistol to their own heads, and to other people, on a metaphoric level. The insanity of it. It's so profoundly painful. That's why this is so much more painful than any war, because in a war it's very clear: you fight the war. This is like watching someone at the edge of a building who wants to jump off and take the rest of the country with them. The people I'm talking to are horrified. So what I'm observing is magnified a thousand times.
I don't take it lightly. But what I'm taking lightly is me, my mind construct. And the beauty of it is that I can watch around me and see the collective consequences of that level of insanity.
That's all you can do: look at yourself. And that is a lot.
Yeah.
Looking at yourself is enough
We have the example of so many people. You just mentioned Jesus. That's an example of somebody who all he did was look at himself, and two thousand years later he's still impacting the world.
Exactly.
I don't want to touch much of what you're bringing because it's beautiful to hear you. You sound great, and it's just a big yes. What you're seeing, you're seeing in the darkest place. Not only are you in the world in a place that is dark, as you're saying, but you also know that darkness in yourself because you've inhabited it for so long. And when, in that place of inner and external darkness, you see the construct of darkness, you start the process of freeing yourself from it.
What has been clear to me for a very long time is that I can't save anyone. I can only save me. And I can't even save me. I can just show up, and then the magic happens. I can't do it myself, but I show up at these meetings and all of a sudden, what the heck? All this love, all this gratitude, all this depth of okayness. It's phenomenal.
Letting go of a country, loving the ones who break it
I see I can't save people. And I think this is an incredible opportunity for me to be able to say goodbye to this country. A country that has meant so much to my grandfather, my parents, my family, myself, people that are near and dear to me. An important place in general. And just to say: I'm in free fall, and so is this country.
What's hard for me is to still love the "jerks" that are making it happen. So that's an opportunity too. That's the big one for me right now.
Yeah. Wow. Thank you for sharing.
I was just at that spot at the Jordan River, the spot where people believe he was baptized by John the Baptist. And then I come back here and I wonder if anyone has any clue as to what truth is beyond their nose. It's so ironic. Anyway, thank you for listening. Thank you so much.
Thank you for sharing, and soon we will see your face again.