The First Level of Disturbed
El primer nivel de perturbación
A student describes feeling unsettled by the discovery of constant racing thoughts during meditation, along with a surprising jumpiness and fear. The teacher explains why this discomfort is actually a sign of healing.
The First Level of Disturbed
A student describes feeling unsettled by the discovery of constant racing thoughts during meditation, along with a surprising jumpiness and fear. The teacher explains why this discomfort is actually a sign of healing.
I've been noticing that the more I meditate, the more I notice that my mind just has these racing thoughts all the time. It's really disturbing. Before, I would be lost in my thoughts. Now that I can see them as racing thoughts, I'm just observing that my mind is going nuts, and I feel really disturbed by that. It's a truly unsettling feeling. I also noticed during the meditation that my mind would wander, and then a noise would come from somewhere and all of a sudden it scared me. I can't quite describe it. I feel scared, and I don't know why. I don't understand why I'm so unsettled noticing these things, or why a noise like that scared me so much. It just really penetrated me.
I can say a little about that. You're starting a process that is healing, and it requires some disillusionment. Seeing reality isn't easy, but the process of healing requires it. What you're experiencing is very, very common.
The contrast that reveals the chaos
Most people live in racing thoughts, but they don't realize they're thinking. They're so immersed in it that this constant movement and activity simply is their reality. And because they don't remember what it was like to be calm, there is no contrast, no way to say, "Now my mind is racing."
But since you started practicing meditation and joining the group, you've begun to experience that contrast. You experience moments of calmness, and you start to separate from being immersed in this process of thinking, thinking, thinking. Now, in that space, in that contrast, you see it clearly: "This is crazy. My mind is constantly doing this, and I'm constantly involved in it."
That's a hard truth. But it's a really good thing, because now you can do something about it. And what you need to do is simply keep looking, keep doing this work.
Getting closer to what's underneath
It's also good to balance meditation with psychotherapy, because you're asking: why are you jumpy? Why did that scare you? The answer is that from a very young age, we developed habits in order to cope with what we feel, which, as I was saying earlier, is going to be fear and pain. We don't want to feel this fear. We don't want to feel this pain. And we've been doing this since so young that we forgot. We forgot. This is the mechanism of repression. We no longer feel the fear. We no longer feel the pain.
The process of meditation starts to remove some of these layers, because you begin stepping back, withdrawing the energy you place in all that mental activity. You start getting closer to what's really happening at a deeper level, and that is pain and fear. So what you're experiencing now is getting in touch with "I'm afraid." As much as that's a shock, and you'd rather not discover it, it's actually a very healthy thing to notice: "I'm afraid all the time." At some point you might also realize, "I'm in so much pain all the time." I'm not saying you have to have that experience, but I wouldn't be surprised if you do. And I can speak very generally here: most people are in constant fear and pain. So this is a really healthy process.
A test of reactivity
My teacher used to do something years ago. We would be sitting in silent meditation, and then out of the blue he would clap so hard that half the room would jump. He did this so that you could see your own reactivity. Then he would say: if you're able to not react to that, it's because you are becoming more present. It was a kind of litmus test. It would let you know whether you were taken by the mind.
The first level
I could cite the words of Jesus, who said: "Seek, and don't stop seeking. And when you find, you will be disturbed." There are all kinds of levels of being disturbed. The first one, the very common one, is: "My mind is nonstop." This is the first level. It's a really good thing. It means you're realizing something that very few people realize. So it's quite a fortunate thing.