The First Level of Disturbed
El Primer Nivel de Perturbación
A student shares feeling unsettled by the discovery of constant racing thoughts during meditation, along with an unexpected fearfulness. The teacher explains why this disturbing realization is actually a sign of healing.
The First Level of Disturbed
A student shares feeling unsettled by the discovery of constant racing thoughts during meditation, along with an unexpected fearfulness. The teacher explains why this disturbing realization is actually a sign of healing.
I've been noticing that the more I meditate, the more I notice that my mind just has these racing thoughts all the time. It's really disturbing. Before, I would be in my thoughts. Now that I know these are my racing thoughts, I'm just observing that my mind is going nuts, and I feel really disturbed by that. It's a really unsettling feeling.
I noticed during the meditation that my mind would wander, and then there would be a noise somewhere and all of a sudden it scared me. I can't quite describe it. I'm scared, and I don't know why. I don't understand why I'm so unsettled noticing these things, or why that noise scared me so much. It just really penetrated me.
I can say a little bit about that. You're starting a process that is healing, and it requires some disillusionment. Seeing reality isn't easy, but the process of healing requires it. What you're experiencing is very, very common.
The contrast that reveals the mind
Most people live in racing thoughts, but they don't realize they're thinking. They're so immersed in it that this movement and activity simply is their reality. Because they don't remember what it was like to be calm, there is no contrast, no way to say, "Now my mind is racing."
But since you started practicing meditation, you've begun to experience that contrast. You start to experience moments of calmness, and you start to be able to separate from being immersed in the process of thinking, thinking, thinking. And now, in that space, in that contrast, you're like, "This is crazy. My mind is constantly doing this, and I'm constantly involved in it." That's a hard truth, but it's a really good thing, because you can now do something about it. And there isn't that much you need to do other than keep looking and keep doing this work.
Fear and pain beneath the surface
It's also good to balance this with psychotherapy. You're asking why you're jumpy, why that noise scared you. The reason is that from a very young age we developed habits in order to cope with what we feel, which is fundamentally fear and pain. We don't want to feel this fear. We don't want to feel this pain. And we've been doing this since so young that we forgot. We forgot. This is the mechanism of repression. We no longer feel the fear. We no longer feel the pain.
The process of meditation starts to remove some of these layers, because you begin stepping back, removing the energy one places in that activity. You start getting closer to what's really happening at a deeper level, and that is pain and fear. So you're now getting in touch with "I'm afraid." As much as that is a shock, and you'd rather not discover it, it's actually a very healthy thing to notice: "I'm afraid all the time." And at one point you might realize, "I'm in so much pain all the time." I'm not saying you have to have that experience, but I wouldn't be surprised if you do. Most people are in constant fear and pain. So this is a really healthy process.
Reactivity as a litmus test
My teacher used to do something, many years ago. We would be in a silent meditation, and then out of the blue he would clap so hard that half the room would jump. He did that so you could see your reactivity. Then he would say that if you're able to not react to that, it's because you are becoming more present. It was a kind of litmus test. It would let you know: "I'm taken by the mind."
The first discovery
I could cite the words of Jesus, who said: seek, and don't stop seeking, and when you find, you will be disturbed. There are all kinds of levels of "disturbed." The first one, the very common one, is: "My mind is nonstop." This is the first level of disturbed. It's a really good thing. It's realizing something that very few people realize, so it's quite a lucky thing.