When Thoughts Fall Away
Cuando los pensamientos se desvanecen
A student describes an unexpected experience during meditation in which inner translation and mental commentary ceased entirely, and the teacher reflects on what it means to remember such moments as glimpses of something more real.
When Thoughts Fall Away
A student describes an unexpected experience during meditation in which inner translation and mental commentary ceased entirely, and the teacher reflects on what it means to remember such moments as glimpses of something more real.
I had a strange experience and I don't know how to explain it, but I will try. Normally when I listen to you, I always repeat what you say in English, like a translation for myself. But this time was so different. I could hear you, and I didn't repeat the words inside myself. I understood, but it was very difficult to try to understand what was happening. I thought, "What is going on?" and decided to just continue.
I don't know exactly what happened, because it was as if all the thoughts stopped, all the mental activity stopped. It stopped in a way that felt like a movement, but it wasn't located here. It was the first time I've had this kind of experience in meditation. Usually the mind was always present, maybe a little less active, but still there. And then I fell asleep, which has never happened to me before.
At one point it was simply: I don't need to understand anything. I'm sharing this because it was my first experience at this level. Then there was something like a big wall, the color of my desk, and I was just there. You spoke for a long time, but I don't know what happened with me.
I need to speak about this because it was really very different. Your induction was so intense. I felt so relaxed, so good. The only thought that arose was, "Why are you making problems over these stupid things?" And I realized: I'm alive, and it's not so different.
I always laugh when you mention "pain at the moment," because it was really something that happened to me. It's as if all the time one is doing things out of the pain of the moment, and that is not life. Just relax.
I needed to share this because it was truly so different, and I appreciate it very much. The group creates a kind of boundary of energy that is very strong and makes this possible. It's not easy for this to happen in other groups.
It was fantastic, because there was nothing but a beautiful color. The sun was coming in at that moment. Second after second, I just felt very good, expansive, calm. That is my feedback.
That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Correct remembering
I spoke a lot about what I call "correct remembering," which points to what you experienced, and what you're probably still experiencing now. That experience is more real. So when it's not there, remember that it was a taste of something more real.
The important thing is also to look at what you saw. What if that is more real? For example, what you described: thoughts becoming far away, receding into the background. Remember that this is how they always are, in a sense. They are never more real, even if they seem closer. Even when thoughts feel very close and very real, remember: it's still just thought. They aren't more real because they are closer. They're just closer.
Yes. Thank you. That is very important.
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## The Engine of Pleasing
A student recognizes the enormous energy she invests in managing how others see her, and the teacher explores how childhood survival strategies persist as automatic habits that keep us from feeling a deeper wound.
I wanted to share that I'm going back to work. This is my last session for a while. I'm really sad about it because it's been a real change for me. Being able to connect a little deeper this summer was amazing.
I've come to a realization today. I don't quite know how to put it in words, and it's something I knew intellectually, of course. But the amount of energy I put into my idea of how to please others, constantly, all the time, or how others see me, or how much I have accomplished: it's a whole huge structure that motivates everything I do. I see that on one hand I need it to function in life, maybe. But then there are many other moments when I don't need it, and it's still running. It's the engine. I don't know how to explain it. I wanted to see what you think.
Survival strategies from childhood
Those are survival strategies. We learn them very young, and they always have to do with how to get what we need from our caretakers, our parents. It becomes a way of operating. Because of that combination of who our parents were and who our siblings were, we find a thing that works: "If I do this, then I get more of what I want and need."
From very young, that is what children are doing. They are trying to figure out the strategy that works best in their situation. Because we have our own nature, our own makeup and characteristics, and the people surrounding us have theirs, we find the thing that works.
There are many types of strategies, and there are many maps for this. The Enneagram, for instance, is one such map. You develop a certain characteristic as a way to survive, as a way to fit in. But it's not really who you are.
When a gift becomes a cage
There comes a point where we can step out of that. It can still be a gift, because when we work on something a lot, we become good at it, and it worked because we had a certain ability. But if it becomes the automatic habit through which we operate and function, there is no freedom there.
I think what you're describing is exactly that: noticing more and more, "Oh, this is a strategy, and it's automatic." There is a lot of energy in it because it's still operating to avoid what was coming up when we were very young.
The wound underneath
When we are very young, there comes a point where a certain kind of wound arises, one that I think pretty much every human has. Then we try to manage that wound. There is not just a survival of the body, being fed and cared for. There is also a survival in the sense that we need to manage that wound. This strategy is how we manage it, so that we are not too close to it.
What I think you're describing is the noticing of that mechanism, that habit. There's a lot of energy invested, and you wonder, "Why am I still putting all that energy in? It's not needed." But the habit persists because there is still something it is helping us manage internally.
Discerning the source of action
As I always say, it is a form of fear and pain. But there is a lot you can do beyond simply observing the habit. If you can discern more and more when not to act from that place, that is key. Sometimes we want to do something good or something nice for somebody, and it isn't coming from this contracted sense of needing to please or needing to be loved. That is where discernment matters.
The more you can see, "It's coming from that place," and you inhibit the behavior, the more you will start to experience the energy underneath: the agenda that has been trying to help you avoid feeling something that is always present.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Visions and dreams
I have a small question. In an upcoming group, we need to share dreams and writing. I have three strong images from our sessions here. Do you consider an image like a dream? Not just a picture, but a story.
It's obviously different. A vision that arises when you're conscious, or technically awake, is different from a dream during sleep. But while they differ in that sense, they can both reveal a deeper part of our psyche in a similar way.
So I can present my images as dreams?
That's a question for your group leader.