The Challenge You Carry as Your Own
El desafío que cargas como propio
A parent shares a difficult moment with her son during a simple activity, revealing patterns of projection, displaced frustration, and the struggle to pursue her own growth while raising a child.
The Challenge You Carry as Your Own
A parent shares a difficult moment with her son during a simple activity, revealing patterns of projection, displaced frustration, and the struggle to pursue her own growth while raising a child.
I wanted to share something that came up for me during the meditation. It's about an interaction between me and my son, and it touches on who I identify as. I'm the parent, I'm the protector, I'm going to do all these great things to help my son be fully who he is. And I get really humbled by how much he's actually teaching me.
It's been such a busy year, and finally we have some holidays and time to ourselves. We were building a Lego set, something we haven't done in years, just because it's something we can do together. I notice he's fidgeting on his chair, and I'm comparing him to how he was when he was younger. I feel like he's less able to focus, like he can't sit still, and I'm irritated by it. I'm thinking, "Oh no, he's not in the right environment at school. It's been such a crazy year." I'm dissatisfied with how he's changed, even though it could just be that one moment.
We're building along, and then we finish another package, and I see some extra pieces. I think, "Oh no, we missed something." I'm getting more irritated. I'm thinking, "We haven't done this in a long time, and you wouldn't normally miss this." I missed it too, and I'm getting more and more irritated, thinking he can't focus anymore, thinking I haven't done this with him in a long time. I'm getting upset and essentially blaming him.
Blaming him for what?
For making a mistake, basically. Building Lego. And I don't know why I was so irritated. Then I realized it stemmed from my fear that I'm not doing something right. Before, I would have had the patience to say, "It's okay," because he was a lot younger. "Let's just figure it out." That was part of our learning process. Then I realized I had turned something I wanted so badly, spending time with him, recreating these moments we used to share, into this horrible thing. I was just like, "Why do I do this? I'm so sorry. Why do I do this to you?"
And he says to me, "That's just the way it is." And I'm like, "No, this is not the way it is. I don't want it to be like this." I have this need for everything to be perfect. And I realized: no one's perfect. We all make mistakes. I'm so sorry. And he's just okay with it. He teaches me so much. I think I'm the parent, and yet in this moment, he's teaching me.
The parent is still the parent
That's true, but you are the parent. It's not his job to teach you. Obviously everything can be a lesson. But when you say to him, "Why am I doing this? I'm so sorry," the "I'm so sorry" part is appropriate. The "why am I doing this" is not. That puts him in the role of having to hold your troubles, and that's not his role.
Yes, this happens, and this is how life goes. But as you said in the beginning, you identify as the mother, and you are the mother, and you are the protector in a lot of ways. What we're talking about here is that this isn't essentially, truly what you are. It's a role, and it's a role you decided to live when you became a mother. Now you're appropriately committed to being the best mother you can, and that's great. But it is still very early for him to be put in the place of holding what is difficult for you.
Sorry, holding what is difficult for me?
He's not the person for you to turn to when something is difficult, even when it's difficult with him. Especially when it's difficult with him. That's too much of a burden for him. He might get great at it, and maybe he shouldn't. Maybe it wouldn't be best for him to be good at that.
It's not my intention.
I know. I'm being very clear and direct because I think it's important. I know it's not your intention.
It's just that in that moment I realized.
Hold your own challenges
I understand. So what I'm pointing to is for you to hold your challenges, your emotions, your worries, your insecurities, and work through them with somebody else. Let your son be free from having to hold, in any way, something that is for you to hold.
Because when you said you wanted to recreate these ways in which you shared time in the past, where is that coming from? I'm not necessarily asking you to think about it and find the answer. But those are the kinds of things we need to look at more deeply, because you are going to the past. Imagining and remembering the past can be useful and practical, but often when we do that, it's not. Same with the future. If you're trying to recreate something from the past, it's more likely related to a need you have, as opposed to something that serves the relationship between you and your son, or his own needs. The most direct way I can put it: if you're trying to recreate a form of relationship that you had in the past, you're not relating to the son you have today.
I'm just missing those times when we had more time together. That's my attempt.
When you notice that, when you recognize you're missing something, know that it is your own. Anything that moves from missing something in the past is coming from your own involvement with yourself. That is different from saying, "I do miss the past, and I'm aware of that, and I am holding that experience as I navigate this moment with him."
Projection and living through your child
So much of me is projecting onto him. That's really important, that I try not to live my life through him and his journey.
Exactly. Don't live vicariously through him, and don't project onto him what is your journey, what you need for yourself.
It's like a double mirror, isn't it?
There are these rude awakenings, but it's human nature, really, what you're going through. When you have a unique situation with more unusual talents (and by unusual I mean outside of the norm), that requires energy and attention.
Essentially, my anger is displaced onto him. I'm actually just angry at myself.
That's pretty much any time we get angry. We are often angry at ourselves. It's a projection. Most of what we experience as anger is. So notice your fears, your dissatisfaction, where all of that is coming from and why. The invitation here is how to bring balance, how to restore a kind of equilibrium to your situation. It's to focus on your own needs, your own larger arc of life, with gentleness toward yourself. Because in focusing on your own needs and what your life is calling you to, aside from being a mother, that in a sense is the deepest form of love toward yourself, which is going to be the deepest form of love from you to anybody. Being a parent is a sacrifice in many ways, but your own growth and your own development shouldn't be sacrificed.
I feel like at this stage there's just more hope in him.
That's the problem, because it's not about hope. Obviously wanting him to grow up, knowing he has a whole life ahead of him, that's a priority. But what is your love and desire for your own life, your own development? Not for the hope of getting somewhere, not for the hope of achieving some special thing, but rather you living fully and developing fully in all of your potential.
I don't know if I'll ever figure that out. I'm so lost with myself.
Giving up on yourself
That's exactly what I think needs your attention: to work on that as you work on being a mother. That's going to balance things. Because in a sense, right now there's a bit of you giving up on yourself, and so you're putting it all on your son.
All that pressure I have on myself, now I'm putting on my own son. I know that I don't want to do that, but there are moments I realize that I'm doing it.
By that, what do you mean? Putting pressure on?
Living through him.
And so the way to address that is exactly what we're talking about.
That's what I want. But I'm still doing it.
Because in a sense, it's harder to face what's hardest for you in your own life: your deepest fears, your deepest desires, your deepest longing, what your potential is calling you toward.
I thought my deepest potential was to help him rise to his own potential, and I'm failing at that too.
That's more critical thinking. You're not failing. He's doing great. It's always messy, it's always confusing. I'm talking about a balance: you can be an even greater mother if you don't abandon your own growth. Because then you also lead by example.
I just feel like I'm failing at everything. Everything that I thought I knew about who I was, I'm not. It's all just a facade.
Okay, so then what's for real? That's great. That's a really big step. That's all of what I talk about.
And when I think I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the wrong thing.
And sometimes you're doing the right thing, maybe when you think you're doing the wrong thing.
It's just so hard. I don't feel like I'm doing anything right, even though I want to do the right thing.
I know. Just notice the critical voice. There's pain, and there's probably a lot of fear. And it's okay.
I feel like my son is parenting me. I'm not parenting him.
Just focus on what you need, as a matter of balancing.
Begin from now
I've been trying to focus more on myself. It's a slow process.
It'll be a lot of looking at first: seeing, contemplating what you're seeing now. Keep looking and wonder what life is calling you toward. In other words, if your son and you as a mother are taken care of (you're doing that), but if that's put aside for a moment, what is the challenge then? It's you, and your life, and what you truly, deeply want. What does the full development of your potential look like?
That's the big question, isn't it? Perhaps I even had my own child because it was a way of abandoning that, an excuse.
But look at now. Always begin from now. Potential is now. So that balances the challenge, so that you don't displace it and put it inside the challenge of being a mother by putting it on your son.
The more I become his mother, the more I see how capable he is of doing things for himself that I don't need to do. He's perfectly capable.
Look at your insecurities there, look at your fears, look at your pains, your frustrations. And also look at inspiration, excitement, opportunity. Where is it? And if there is none anywhere, just keep looking.