The Ethics of Inner Clarity
La ética de la claridad interior
A student in a committed but lightly open relationship describes a growing connection with another person, and the teacher challenges him to bring far more honesty and precision to the narratives he is telling himself and others.
The Ethics of Inner Clarity
A student in a committed but lightly open relationship describes a growing connection with another person, and the teacher challenges him to bring far more honesty and precision to the narratives he is telling himself and others.
I'm in a committed, partnered relationship that's been going for just under a year. It's lightly open, mostly around sexual experiences, and those are communicated. But I've met someone else, and there's a physical attraction as well as a kind of spiritual resonance I feel we share. We haven't acted on the physical attraction, and she's just moved to Mexico. But before she left we spent time together, and I started to worry. It feels like a catch-22. On one hand, I'm worried that even though my relationship is really great, maybe on some level it's not quite the right one, and I'm staying in an old paradigm, closing myself off to something more real. On the other hand, I worry that the new connection might be a mirage. We've talked about our attachment styles, and she tends to show up as anxious. Would it be a train wreck to abandon a perfectly functional, solid relationship and move to Mexico for something that could turn into a chaotic dumpster fire?
The question of commitment
The main thing has to do with, first of all, the question: what is your commitment to the first relationship? This kind of work on relationships is always related to the work on waking up. I always say both have to happen in parallel. But right now we're focusing on personal relationships, and there is a matter of ethics here: what is the commitment to your current relationship? Is it open? Is it not? In what way is it open?
It's lightly open, but partnered and committed. The openness mostly has to do with sexual experiences outside the relationship.
And what's the verbal agreement around the openness? Are those experiences required to be communicated to your partner?
They are.
And only if there is a sexual experience? For example, if you've gone on a few dates with somebody else, is that something you should communicate to your primary partner, or not?
I have been communicating. They haven't exactly been dates. There have been some cuddles, but it hasn't really been more than that.
I would say that if you're cuddling with another woman, that is a date. How is that not a date?
The first time was a date, but since then we basically said we're just friends. The cuddling stopped, but the attraction remained. We talked about that attraction, she and I, and I talked about it with my partner. It's all been communicated.
Naming things accurately
Then the work for you is around what I would call inner integrity: what are you actually, truly experiencing? What do you actually, truly want? What are truly your fears and your desires, more and more deeply and honestly?
For example, if you're saying, "It wasn't a date, we're friends, but we're cuddling and there's sexual attraction," that is a very unclear narrative. To communicate that to yourself in that way, and to your partner, and to the person you're doing it with, is very unclear. I don't think it's accurate. It's naive. You're playing on an edge where you say, "We're friends, but we have attraction and we're cuddling." You're stepping into something with a narrative that doesn't match reality. And I'll say more: you're bringing this up as someone you're considering leaving your current partner for, and you're calling it a friendship.
Well, she moved to Mexico, but after that first time together we did agree to just be friends. We de-escalated from the cuddling. And yet the feelings remained. We talked about the feelings, and I talked about some of them with my partner. I feel overall like I'm trying to exercise a good deal of discernment. But you're right, it is an ethical question, and it requires deeper introspection.
A thousand times more clarity
If you really challenge yourself to have a thousand times more clarity, a thousand times more inner integrity, more honesty, more courage with this situation, you will clarify the whole thing. And it will help you walk through it in a way that you'll be a lot happier with. Because when you start giving yourself these permissions to be a little gray here, a little gray there, you walk into confusion. You lose clarity about what you want. That, to me, is the underlying thing I see that needs to be looked at and worked on. I'm sure your personal work teacher would have plenty of material in what you just brought up.
Without getting into all of that, I do have something quick to add, if you'd like to hear it.
Sure.