The Root of Specialness
La raíz de la especialidad
A student describes a diminishing sense of subject-object separation, alongside a persistent physical clenching that seems tied to a deep belief about needing to be special in order to exist.
The Root of Specialness
A student describes a diminishing sense of subject-object separation, alongside a persistent physical clenching that seems tied to a deep belief about needing to be special in order to exist.
My experience lately is that there's just a lot less of this separation. I feel a lot of relaxation into something I don't quite know how to explain. It feels like less of that dynamic where "that's an object and I'm the subject." But there's still something like a clenching in the body. I'm not actually experiencing it right now, but it comes and goes. I'm trying to relax it, to allow the clenching so the body doesn't completely freak out, and then to see what the clenching is based on. My guess is that there's a belief at some deeper level I haven't entirely perceived yet, one that's causing the clenching. I think it's something like: "If I'm not special, I'll die." It's the same for everybody, something like: if you're not special, you'll get killed. Which makes no sense, obviously.
It actually makes a lot of sense.
In a way it does, but in another way it doesn't. It makes no sense in the sense that there is no "I," and you don't have to be special to exist. But it has been a human drama, right?
The root of identity is specialness
I think it makes a lot of sense at the level of the sense of identity. The whole thing we're talking about, the identification: the root of it is specialness. It's "I am something," and that something is unique in that way.
Yes. I also wanted to share a related experience. After the first retreat I attended, I went to a farm outside the city. It was a beautiful setting, a gorgeous afternoon out on the plains. I remember lying on a bed staring at the ceiling, freaking out. Someone asked me what was wrong, and I said, "Everything is coming in." They looked so worried and asked, "What's coming in?" I said, "The sky, the birds, everything." I think it was similar to what was discussed earlier. I didn't experience it as claustrophobic. I experienced it more like, not exactly invasion, because they were beautiful things. But if it had been people, I think it would have felt like invasion, like everything pouring in. I was obsessing about which way was north and which way was south.
No dimensions.
Right. So, do you have anything for me?
Working with subject and object directly
Yes. A very simple exploration: find something that feels experientially like it's clearly separate and "out there." You might not have that experience so strongly anymore, but whatever feels the most separate and out there, take that, and then look at the sense of the subject or perceiver.
I can feel into doing that in a way that's more perceptual. For example, you appear over there, I appear over here. But I could also imagine exploring it in a more felt, emotionally loaded way. For instance, someone I really don't want to be like, maybe a person living on the streets in addiction, something like that.
I would say the first is the better exploration, because the second one is still about an identity, about an idea of what you are.
But that's what I mean: to challenge that identity in a way that is more felt or loaded, as opposed to purely perceptual.
The loaded one is loaded because of the perceptual. The perceptual exploration is the foundation. Without it, the loaded one could actually be destructive.
The body as anchor for false separation
So what I'm suggesting is: find something or an experience that feels "out there," whether it's a sound or an object, and then look at the sense of the object and the subject. There's going to be a perceiver and a perceived.
That I feel really in tune with. But there's still something I haven't resolved. It still feels really physical, like this quaking, physical fear.
If you look at that sensation directly, that sensation is an object. I'm pointing to the experience of the subject-object relationship with that sensation.
I think that's it. When it's no longer clearly an object or a subject, it starts to feel very strong.
Usually, when the body activates physically like that, it's what calls you back into the separation. We could try to resolve it by going back into the separation mindset, or we could try to resolve it by pushing and pulling on the experience. But if you go to the sensation directly and work with it, that is where the false sense of subject is anchoring. It anchors in the sense of a sensation in the body that feels separate from the rest of the world.
It's a temptation.
Yes, exactly.