What "Protecting Myself" Really Means
Lo que realmente significa "protegerme a mí mismo"
A student and teacher explore what it means to protect yourself in a relationship, and how authentic self-protection differs from ego-driven contraction.
What "Protecting Myself" Really Means
A student and teacher explore what it means to protect yourself in a relationship, and how authentic self-protection differs from ego-driven contraction.
Going deeper into who you are and speaking your truth authentically will make the relationship broader, deeper, more expansive, more real. But there's a really important question: what does it really mean to be more completely who you are, and not just take the impulse of being what your partner wants you to be so you can get validated? There's a practice of going deeper into who you are and speaking your truth.
Because authenticity will completely undermine what we try to protect. If we are fully authentic, then that false sense of what we are will have to be sacrificed.
Yes, that's the word I was looking for too: sacrifice. There's a sacrificing into what the relationship wants from you, but in that process you actually become larger. It shouldn't be making you play small. And if your partner wants you to play small, that's a no.
The dance of alignment
We are all in this dance of trying to realize alignment, or unity, perhaps. And we're not there yet. When those child parts kick in, or when you get wrapped up in your ego, it can be really compelling to bring others along with you if you're not aware of it. So maybe what you're saying is that it's a "no" because if she's operating from that place, I have a responsibility to protect myself and not get pulled into it.
Yes, but you're not only protecting yourself. You're also protecting the relationship, and you're also protecting her.
What is the "self" being protected?
What matters here is what you mean when you say "protecting myself." What is this "myself" that's being protected? Is the self that's being protected something small, fearful, afraid? Or is it love? Is this "myself" the unknown, what is authentically being me, which I don't fully know?
Otherwise, "protecting myself" could get really close to ego defensiveness. But if protecting myself means protecting the relationship, protecting her, protecting something larger, then what I am is not this separate, defined thing. It starts to be less about myself versus her.
Because if you're protecting yourself from something in her, that's an ego activation. This is often the case with attachment style dances, where the small hurt child in one person activates the small hurt child in the other, creating a feedback loop. The reason it can cause a downward spiral is that neither person is resourced enough to recognize what's happening and act from awareness and love.
The direction of real protection
My interpretation of what you're saying is this: if I sense someone needing something from me in a way that doesn't feel good, or in a way that has me feeling like I need to protect myself, I should be very careful and on watch for what sets it off. I need to make sure I know what I'm actually protecting.
The direction of genuine protection should feel terrifying and vulnerable. It should require courage, vulnerability, and risk. If the direction of protecting feels safer, it is likely a contraction into separation and defensiveness. That's where "protecting" gets tricky.
Yes, because we're talking about fear, right? The avoidant person's fear is being taken over, exposed to threat, invaded, or hurt. The other person's fear is being left and abandoned. Neither of those fears should be running the relationship.
Exactly. Essentially, fear. Neither of those fears should be in charge.