The Belief System of What I Am
El sistema de creencias de lo que soy
A student describes confusion arising from the concept of "no self," and the teacher reframes the inquiry away from negation and toward the direct noticing of presence and beingness.
The Belief System of What I Am
A student describes confusion arising from the concept of "no self," and the teacher reframes the inquiry away from negation and toward the direct noticing of presence and beingness.
I listened to your video about the pain of knowing who we are. I resonated with it very strongly, and I really liked it. But after a day or two, thoughts started to attack, picking out words and criticizing them. I know that's just how thought functions. But I picked up this idea of "no me," of not being the body, and it's really confusing. I'm living life as normally as I can, but it doesn't feel normal. There's a lot of confusion because of this idea of no self. It's only an idea, and knowing that the idea is confusing.
I understand. I rarely use the expression "no self." It comes from Buddhism, and I think it's a very confusing and tricky concept, a tricky teaching. It's best not to start there.
What's good is that there is confusion, because confusion opens the door to looking at what we thought we knew. When confusion is about something you thought you already understood, something interesting is happening.
The belief system we don't recognize as belief
We grew up and gained a very strong, very solid, very clear understanding of what we are. That's appropriate. It's part of development; it's naturally what this body-mind is going to do, and it's needed. But there comes a moment, and because you're here I suspect it's happened, when something else needs to develop. It's a kind of undoing, but it's actually a transcendence.
First we create this sense of self that is very known. We know what it is. We know what we are. We are this person, this body. There's an equivalence: what I am is this body and nothing else. I could write a book all about me, my past. Thoughts come and go. Today I'm more sad, tomorrow more happy, more depressed, more frustrated. I can describe the type of emotions I usually have. "This is me." It's actually a very complex system of thinking.
What happens is that we attach to this knowing and it becomes very unshakable. It's really hard to undo. It's really hard to look at it and say, "This is just a belief." When we know what we are, there's a belief system, but we don't know it's a belief system. That's why it feels like a sense of knowing what I am. If I know I am this human body and that's all I am, I don't consider that to be a belief.
I don't think I really get that, and I don't think I can get that.
Think of a fact. Would you say we breathe air?
Yeah.
Would you say that's a belief? No. We wouldn't say that's a belief. We could get very philosophical about whether air is really real, but at this level, it's a fact. This body, in this dimension, breathes air. It's not a belief. It's a description of something, as accurate as descriptions can be.
The knowing of ourselves works the same way. When we know what we are, we experience it as a fact. But what I'm saying is that it's actually a belief. It's almost like the people who believe it is a fact that the earth is flat. For them, everybody else is wrong, everybody else is conspiring to trick them. The knowing of what we are is this kind of belief system.
Why "no self" can become another trap
The concept of "no self" is tricky, because going from examining this belief system straight to "no self" can turn into yet another belief. We can't imagine what "no self" is pointing to, so we imagine something that isn't what it is. Then we try to make ourselves be that construct, and it's a very painful construct.
So I would say: forget about "no self." Direct your curiosity instead toward beingness, toward "I am-ness." When looking at what I am, ask: what is the nature of "I am"? Don't look for "no self." Look for something that is more of the flavor of presence, aliveness, beingness, something with an infinite quality to it. By infinite, I mean it's not located anywhere.
For example, how do you keep attention on one thing rather than another?
Attention and what notices attention
Attention is going to move. It's going to jump here and there, and you can work on focusing on the breath. But there is something that notices the attention. You notice attention moving, right? So you're not the attention.
And there's something also directing the attention.
Something is directing the attention, something is noticing the attention, and whatever is being attended to is being experienced. There is, you could say, an infinite subject, a subject that you cannot find here or there, but it's known.
For example, like attention.
But you are aware of attention. If you direct your attention to my voice and then direct your attention to the screen you're looking at, back and forth, that's a change. Attention is not where you are. You're aware of it.
So when I say "you" and you say "I," what it's pointing to is the direction I'm offering. Look at that. Don't look for a quality of "no self." Look for a quality of presence.
I can tell very clearly: there is a noticing of attention. Just that, just the noticing of attention. I might call it something for the time being because there aren't really words for it. And I can tell very clearly that this noticing hasn't got the identity of a person. It's just that noticing of attention.
You're noticing attention, and the noticing of the attention. It might also notice the breath, or thoughts, or sounds. Attention is just where the focus is. It's one field of experience: attention focusing on sound, on sensation, on images, on thoughts, memories, a sense of "I," a sense of a personal identity. But it's all noticed.
Attention is not independent
The one noticing is not only directing attention; it's also being directed. For example, if I say, "Pay attention to the sensation of your feet," did you decide to pay attention to your feet, or was it automatic because I directed it? There's an aspect where we direct our attention, but also the universe directs our attention. It's not independent.
So this "something," as you called it, this which is noticing: you can't find its origin, and it's not independent from the universe, from everything. You will notice certain qualities. It's not independent. It's not located. And that has to do with what "no self" points to: that there isn't an independent, separate agent.
But it's not the denial of you as a person. It's just that the person is also a beautiful aspect of what is, inseparable from everything that is.
What I am cannot be known in the usual way
As you notice this beingness, this awareness within which attention and experience appear, notice that the nature of what "I" points to is not really knowable in the usual sense. It is, let's say, feelable, though it's not a feeling either. You can't know it in the way we talk about knowing, because you are that.
In this dimension, there is a kind of separation, and at the level where we usually talk about knowing, we mean understanding what something is made of, how it came to be, where it came from. But what "I am" points to is not even at a distance. There is no distance from it, and so it cannot be known in that way.
Part of us has made it known over the course of our life and development. It has become known as a personal identity, and only that identity, and nothing more. "I know what I am, I know where I came from." That's the false knowing, the limited knowing. It's only accurate at one level. But if we're talking about what I truly am, then to say that what I truly am is merely this person is a belief, not a fact. That belief is painful. It's a never-ending contraction, because it's turning what I am into something much smaller, something that appears within what I am.
It does resonate. I can see the point quite clearly. But the point is clear before it's not clear. Even the critical belief system is confusing. How do I function without belief?
The Santa Claus metaphor
It's important for there to be that confusion, because in that confusion, what appeared to be real starts to fall apart. That's a necessary confusion.
If I believe that Santa Claus is a real being who comes down the chimney and gives gifts, and I suddenly see my parents bringing the gifts, there's going to be a shock. Something dies in that shock. What dies is that world where Santa Claus was real. It dies by shifting from real to imaginary. Something that was absolutely real changes to become part of mind and imagination. That's experienced first as a loss, a shock, a confusion. And then, in the case of Santa Claus, there's a growing up, a freedom from a story that was limited.
I'm using Santa Claus as a metaphor for this work of discovering what I am. There is a belief system of what I am that was developed, constructed, and created from very early on. Then we come to a point in life where that belief system starts to create problems. The problem is basically different forms of suffering. First there can be a sense that something is off, that I'm looking for something that's missing. And then it can be seen that what I thought I was doesn't seem to be what I thought. That's where confusion comes in.
I understand that, but there's a worry. If the idea of air is also part of a belief system, how do I keep functioning?
Functioning without the belief
I understand the worry that there needs to be a belief about what I am in order for proper functioning, for living. Just know that this worry is natural, but it's more of a worry than a real problem.
For example, when you walk somewhere, even just to the kitchen, do you need to have a deep thought process around moving?
No.
There's something that is almost moving you. You are walking, you're moving, but there's an energy that is just propelling. That's a similar example of what it's like when there isn't a belief around what I am. It's a flow.
That's why I was saying that at first this construct of what I am is needed. But then it's like learning to walk, learning to drive, learning to do anything. At first there's a thought process, and then it becomes unnecessary. It becomes part of the nature of the body-mind, of the universe. In fact, if you think about how to walk while you walk, you will walk less fluidly and less efficiently.
It's well known in studies of high performance in athletes: usually when they think is when they fall or fail, because thought is no longer useful. It's actually inefficient. And so with the belief system of what I am, it starts to become a dysfunction.
A process, not an overnight change
But there is a process, and this doesn't change from one day to the next. There's a process of development, of growing. First there is a sensing that this isn't as real or as true as I thought. There's a confusion. When you start listening to people like me or reading books, it gets even more confusing. But if something's working, there's a resonance, a feeling of something right, a feeling of "this is calling me."
I had a very strong agreement when you said that beliefs start to become a problem, like when you think about how to walk and that becomes the dysfunction. I have a lot of openness, and I feel very ready to know the truth. Thank you very much.
Thank you for sharing.