The Rope Made of Gold
La cuerda hecha de oro
A student shares the discomfort of speaking up and discovers that the very sensation he has always experienced as pain and fear may, when seen clearly, reveal itself as beauty and an opening heart.
The Rope Made of Gold
A student shares the discomfort of speaking up and discovers that the very sensation he has always experienced as pain and fear may, when seen clearly, reveal itself as beauty and an opening heart.
I feel like I should share, just because it's so uncomfortable for me to share, and you've told me that it's important to have personal exposure. When you're done talking and no one says anything, I feel prompted to say something, but it's so uncomfortable. It's also a good opportunity, so I can't help it.
Is there anything there in the discomfort? Let's just leave that aside for a moment.
It fades a little bit. It's still there. A pain and a heat in my chest.
So leave the discomfort, the pain, the heat, all of those sensations. Just let them be. At the same time, put them aside a little bit. By that I mean: don't fight with it, don't focus on it, don't wonder why it's there. Forget about why. What else is here if that isn't the focus? What else is happening for you?
A big dark space and sounds of children.
Good. Not black.
Right, not black. When I close my eyes, it's just a big open space. I'm trying to describe what's there when I don't focus on the pain. I don't know how to describe it without a color. You know what I mean: when you close your eyes, it's just dark, maybe a little bit of light. But I know what you mean when you say no boundary.
Sounds, beauty, and the open field
There's something about birds.
Yes, birds, and children playing outside.
How does that feel?
That feels nice. That's always nice to hear. And gangster rap in a car driving by.
What do you feel? What's in your heart?
I don't know. I don't know the answer to that.
A different question then. What is beautiful for you right now?
Being alive and hearing these kids playing outside.
What else? More specifically. Keep it specific, detailed. It could be something you hear, something you see, sensations.
I guess the most prominent thing is still the heat in my chest, but I thought I was supposed to try not to focus on that.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing. What do you find beautiful in the heat in your chest?
The snake that was always a golden rope
It's hard to answer because I've never seen it as beautiful. It's always been scary. I've never tried to answer what's beautiful about this thing I've always called pain and fear my whole life. What's beautiful about it is hard to answer. I mean, just the fact that it's there, I guess, in a way is beautiful.
Do you know the story from Ramana Maharshi about the rope and the snake?
Just the point of it, not the details.
Let's assume that sensation in your chest is the rope, and you've always seen it as the snake.
Yes.
But the rope is actually made of gold: your depth of feeling, your open heart, your vitality, your lovingness. It's too big to contain. You can't control it, so it's scary, but it's knocking. You've been walking around with gold that you think is a snake.
Yes. And thoughts have said, "You've numbed yourself with drugs. Have you done any damage inside that area?"
You seem fine. Just recognize that those thoughts are more fear.
Recognize the thoughts as more fear.
That's all. Just learn to recognize it so you don't go down the trail of thinking. Just notice: fear.
Returning to direct experience
Let's go back to: what is beautiful now? In direct experience, there is always beauty. And in imagination as well, but right now, direct experience.
All that's coming to mind is just to share my exact experience. But it's hard because I'm realizing that even with everything I've read and practiced, I'm still just in my head so much. So it's hard when you ask.
That's why: just be specific and simple.
The greenery around my office building is pretty lush. It just turned into summer, so everything is really green and full from the spring. It's the first thing that comes to mind.
I see it through the video. It's beautiful.
Usually I just walk right past it because I'm dreading going in there. And it seems like something is opening and dissipating in my chest and belly, so I guess I'd call that beautiful. It's not so tight. A young father is carrying his baby into the daycare center here. I don't know, it's just what I'm seeing.
This could seem like it's a practice, but it's just noticing what your experience actually is.
Yeah. I think I'm feeling what you mean, that it's always beautiful, but it's just covered.
Inside and out, the same beauty
Inside and out: in your chest, in your belly, in the world. Beauty. And notice how something can switch. Something that seems terrible, like a problem you need to get rid of, and then suddenly it's feeling, it's beauty, it's your heart.
Yeah. It's so strange.
This is the choice I was talking about in the meditation.
You said it's always a choice. A choice to trust the unknown.
You could say we listen from a deeper place or from a less deep place. And you could also listen into the deeper place or into a less deep place. If you listen to your thinking, which is coming from fear, and you don't know that it's coming from fear, it seems rational. From there, your energy, your attention, your experience will have one form. But there's this tiny leap, which was what happened when I asked you what is beautiful. And then the very thing that was most difficult became beautiful.
Why do we cling to our fears and our old ways? It doesn't seem like there's any gain.
There is, but don't focus too much on that. You could focus more on this. You could have it as a practice, but notice that it's not a practice. It's just noticing what your true experience is, putting more attention on what is more true and real to you.
The words are sight, sound, and sensation. But those are just words for it.
And you're wrestling with an opening heart.
Yeah. Sometimes I fear what it would mean, or whether that's even what's happening. Doubt and fear.
And so it's always that choice: to trust or not.
Knowing fear as fear
One fear is: I fight with my wife every single day. How can there be an opening?
You don't want to listen to the fear. Notice it's fear. If you notice it's fear, which you are already describing as fear, then you relate to it differently.
And if you don't notice it's fear?
If you don't know it's fear, you will more likely be, basically, not telling yourself what's actually happening. There's a bit of denial when you don't know it's fear. And that denial is in service to some form of avoidance or escape.
If you know it's fear, if you let yourself see what it is, let yourself see that it's fear, then there's a level of fooling yourself that you just can't do anymore. If you know it's fear, it changes how you relate to the whole thing.
And what can you do when you're honest with yourself and you know that it's fear?
Just that. You know, and it's up to you to find the best way to explore, to allow. We could talk about it more, but the important thing is to notice that there's a difference. When you're afraid and you know you're afraid, you contemplate everything differently. The possibilities that appear, the choices, are different than if you're afraid and don't know you're afraid. The world of possibilities and options, how you contemplate your reality, is going to be very different. One is going to be more in touch with reality, with truth. And so the options you contemplate will be more aligned with reality.
Right. No wonder, then, the practice of awareness of sensations. That might be all I have for now.
Thank you for sharing.