Sinking Into What We Avoid
Hundiéndonos en lo que evitamos
A student asks about the emphasis on posture in Zen practice, which opens into a broader conversation about breath, emotion, and the fear of feeling what lies beneath the surface.
Sinking Into What We Avoid
A student asks about the emphasis on posture in Zen practice, which opens into a broader conversation about breath, emotion, and the fear of feeling what lies beneath the surface.
When it's time for questions, I get tense, like I'd better think of something. I started thinking about the Zen practice I've been reading about. Why does Zen emphasize posture so much? The erect spine, sitting forward, lotus position, all of that. Is there a purpose for it?
There is a purpose in sitting upright, but my earlier response about lying down was specifically targeted to challenge the idea that it has to be that way, that it's the only way. There is value in sitting upright, but the degree to which we stress having a straight spine or sitting in a certain position, it starts to become more of an athletic pursuit. And it's just one way. You could meditate while dancing. So why not lying down? The only challenge with lying down is if you're likely to fall asleep. But then, if you can only meditate lying down, it's best to also try sitting up, best to try walking.
All these accounts I was reading were of people having a kensho moment, and it was always after a long period of intense zazen, erect sitting. So I was feeling like that must be just one end of the spectrum.
The stories we tell about how awakening happens
Exactly. Zen is going to account for the stories of people in the Zen community describing how it happened, and they've all been practicing zazen. Go to a community or a lineage where they practice whirling, like the Sufis, and all the books are going to be filled with kensho while they were whirling.
Is that pretty much dancing, or what is whirling?
It's spinning. You literally stand in one spot and you spin.
There is so much I'm unaware of.
That's what I'm intentionally trying to debunk: the idea that there's one way, that it has to be this way. But there's also a risk of not having a practice if there is no way. One might think, "Well, whatever I do, I'm meditating." Most likely not.
I guess my practice has been trying to do a natural meditation: sometimes visual, sometimes sensation, sometimes breath. But I don't know if that's structured enough, or whether structure is important.
Working with sensation and feeling
I think for you, the structure is going towards sensation and feeling. To notice what you actually feel emotionally, and deeper, beyond emotion. I distinguish emotion from feeling. An emotion is more mind content. But it's important to notice emotion too, to know what we're experiencing at that level, and then to notice what's happening with sensation: the body and feeling.
So there is emotion, feeling, and sensation?
Yes, but emotion and sensation are quite linked. Feeling is a separate aspect. That's why, for example, the practice of paying attention to the breath brings you into sensation. And the way we breathe is often a form of managing emotion and feeling.
My breath has been really shallow for a really long time. I remember when we used to live in an RV, there was a guy who lived next to us for a while, and I was so impressed with his breath. Every time I saw him, his breath was the opposite of mine.
You could look at that. That could be a practice. Going into the breath, into sensation. Noticing how the breath is being managed and controlled, and then seeing what happens if you just allow a sinking in the breath. What kinds of sensations and emotions come up? The mind is going to activate stories, narratives, most likely.
It's so constricted down. I don't know what area it is, the solar plexus maybe.
Don't worry about the specifics.
You suggested a practice of trying to sink into the breath.
Yes. Notice the feeling space, emotions, thoughts. It clears anxiety, sadness.
It's definitely like a letting of the guard down.
Avoiding feeling through practice
You could do all the zazen you want. If it's done to avoid feeling, it's going to create more distress.
If it's done to avoid feeling? My wife has told me to try labeling the emotions too, and so far it's been hard to do that. What I already described is like a feeling of letting the guard down, of not holding something up, but I don't really have a word for it as an emotion.
Don't worry about the naming. It's too soon. You need more time sitting with it.
It feels kind of scary too.
What is that? An emotion. So you noticed that, and you sit with it. Don't try to analyze it. Don't try to understand it.
Just sit with it and feel it.
And it's going to move. It's going to change. Everything is changing. So, letting the guard down. A sense of vulnerability. A sense of fear, lack of safety. Just keep sitting with that, always sinking into the breath, letting the breath go deeper, slower. What happens if you lean into the exhale, extend it gently all the way to the end? Notice the impulse to inhale a little too soon, too quickly.
To manage it. I guess the thought that's occurring is just a feeling of having to manage everything.
The mechanism that manages
You're having to manage everything because there's something you can't feel.
Another thought: that there's no manager.
There's no manager, but there's a mechanism that manages.
Everything is managed, but there's a mechanism that wants to manage.
Yes. So there are two ways to go towards this. One is what we're talking about now, which is to go into that which we're avoiding: the sensations, the feelings, the emotions. To sit with them, go into them. The other approach is what's called self-inquiry, which is basically looking at that sense of "I." What is it really? But again, if we're doing that to avoid feeling, it's not going to work.
I think I resonate most with the feeling. But when you brought up self-inquiry, there was some fear of what that sense of "I" actually is.
That's natural, because it's not what it seems to be.
That's it for now.
Just take time with that.
I will. It feels right.