The Transaction Behind People-Pleasing
La transacción detrás de complacer a los demás
A student shares their struggle with people-pleasing, especially in intimate relationships, and the emerging but unfamiliar impulse to set boundaries. The teacher reframes the dynamic as a two-way transaction and points toward a deeper resolution.
The Transaction Behind People-Pleasing
A student shares their struggle with people-pleasing, especially in intimate relationships, and the emerging but unfamiliar impulse to set boundaries. The teacher reframes the dynamic as a two-way transaction and points toward a deeper resolution.
I feel like there's a people-pleasing thread today with the boundaries and indulging people's energy vampires. I can really relate. It feels chronic in me sometimes, and I think the worst place it shows up is in intimate relationship. I feel like I sometimes can't be myself in my relationship, like I have to manage myself more than I want to. My partner is very expressive, and that has provoked a lot of comparison on my part.
Lately I've been getting in touch with a sense of anger and frustration about it. I think it's not really about her. I think it's about my own crossing of my own boundaries, or maybe not having them to begin with. I'm getting in touch with a sense of self-protection. Like in one of the earlier questions today: do I stay with the person who's chatting away, or do I leave? Increasingly in those moments I feel a surge of anger, like, "Okay, I do need to get out of this conversation. I do need to protect my own space."
It generally feels good now. I feel like I'm passing a hump where it's feeling less scary and more like the right thing to do, to stand up for myself and set boundaries. But it also feels scary, because I'm not used to being that person. I've noticed some people have really good boundaries. They say, "Thank you for the conversation, goodbye," and go about their day. They're in tune with the flow. They know what they want, and it's a quick, easy thing to shut down a situation that's not serving them and move toward what they more deeply desire. I think I'm learning how to do that, but it feels really challenging. It feels like a lot of growing.
I'm not sure what the question is exactly. I was inspired by your comment that it gets easier. I just feel like I'm going through that right now, and I'm healing, though with some challenge.
This is all very important stuff. It might seem like it's not that big, or not that important, or very common. You might wonder why we're putting so much attention on it. But it actually has to do with a very radical and deep change in how we relate to other people.
Why relationships matter for awakening
That's important because most of the illusions we carry are supported by relationship. We come into contact with relationships, and we get stuck in forms of relating that reinforce our illusions. You can't have one without the other. You can't have a deep change in awakening and not have a deep change in relationships, and vice versa. You can't have a deep, true change in relationships and not also have a deep change in awakening. These dynamics go very deep.
The co-dependency behind the vampire dynamic
Take the energy vampire, for example. The energy vampire is a co-relationship, a co-dependency, a co-dynamic. You could quickly talk about it as if there's somebody taking energy and you're a victim of the vampire. But if you end up giving your blood very regularly, there's something you are getting from it. You are, in a sense, vampiring off of it too, even if it looks like you are the one giving energy and the other one is taking. Something in you is getting fed.
Boundaries versus deeper resolution
One of the tools to resolve what you're describing might be boundaries, which is what you're talking about as being hard for you. But a deeper solution will come from understanding what you are getting from that dynamic. What are you getting from it? This dynamic that keeps repeating, that you are starting to sense you don't want, that you're starting to sense is not good for you. There's a friction that is not all bad. It's like something inside you saying "no" to this, and you need to see how to listen to it and go deeper.
The key is: what are you getting from it? This isn't something you can answer quickly, like, "Oh, I'm getting attention," and then it's solved. It has to do with a deeper energetic that you can feel into in the moment when it's happening. You can see how there is a transaction taking place. If that gets resolved, then there won't be any food available anymore. Or, to stay with the metaphor, the blood will be of a different taste, not very tasty to the vampires.
When the inner shift changes the outer dynamic
You could say, as a metaphor, some of us are vampire feeders and some of us are vampires. Some are takers, some are givers. And if this is coming from an energetic transaction that supports a conditioned worldview, then that's what we're creating. If we are able to, and no longer want to, live in that conditioned worldview, then when we engage with people, something different happens. A lot of the time it actually shifts others into a less conditioned worldview. Some people just won't want to be with you or relate to you anymore. Some might respond with, "I like this."
But what I'm pointing to is that it starts in you, which you are addressing as well. The key is: you're not a victim of a thing that's happening to you, needing to set boundaries against things that are coming at you and taking your blood. You are a participant. What is it that you're getting in exchange for giving your blood?