The Trap of Resistance and the Freedom Beyond Stay or Leave
La trampa de la resistencia y la libertad más allá de quedarse o irse
A student describes feeling trapped in an unwanted conversation with a neighbor, leading to an exploration of how the superficial mind frames experience as "wrong," and how creative engagement can break familiar energetic patterns.
The Trap of Resistance and the Freedom Beyond Stay or Leave
A student describes feeling trapped in an unwanted conversation with a neighbor, leading to an exploration of how the superficial mind frames experience as "wrong," and how creative engagement can break familiar energetic patterns.
That is exactly how the superficial mind works. It is going to be looking for what's wrong, convincing itself that it's right, and then producing a very clear, certain path toward a solution or an answer about what to do.
I was not conscious of that before you said it just now so clearly.
It starts from that sense that what is happening now is not okay. There is something wrong, and it has to be different. Then, only through thinking, by going into the world of contracted thought, can we try to manipulate what is for it to become what it should be.
The real source of discomfort
For example, what was going on for me was that while I was with my neighbor, I was trying to figure out what I was feeling. I thought what was wrong was the fact that I was talking to her. But actually, what the mind was registering as wrong was more a sensation of resistance, and this is what I was not seeing. What makes it so clear now is that the resistance itself is what I was rejecting. It was not even so much the interaction with her. There was a desire to end the conversation quickly and go back home to get ready for the satsang. But what was really bothering me was the resistance. It comes back to what we discussed last time: this feeling of discomfort in the body that you clearly want to reject and stop.
Yes.
And what we are suggesting now is that either you just go with it and stop the conversation and that's fine, nothing is wrong. Or you take a little bit of time and go a little deeper to investigate whether it is just habit, whether maybe it can simply shift, but without wanting to change anything. Just looking at it.
Resistance as a wave to surf
Just one more thing. When you experience resistance as something wrong, instead try to look at it as a new wave. Surf with that sensation. Experience the resistance instead of saying it's wrong and it needs to be this way or that way.
That metaphor is very helpful. I'm going to use it.
I'm curious about what was just said about the neighbor, because I think there is a similar thing for me. When someone over-talks, it feels like you are being penned in by the talking. There is a wall of noise. It is definitely a pattern for me. Should I go into the resistance of that? This feeling that I'm being penned in?
No, more likely you need to speak up, or leave, or be more active in the conversation.
I feel like I do those things, maybe too subtly, maybe too politely. I start walking away, and then there is more chat.
Start walking away as a new behavior, yes.
It's just too polite.
Beyond the binary of stay or leave
We often ignore what I am calling this deep desire. It might be experienced as something we know as discomfort. I might be feeling "I don't want to be in this conversation," and yet I stay there, against what I deeply want. But this is where it gets very creative. There are not only two options: stay or leave. That is limited thinking. You could start dancing. You could start singing. You could talk about the birds. You could do a million different things, not just stay or leave, not just listen passively or walk away, not just be rude or polite.
I like the idea of just starting to dance or sing.
But it feels like the other person is energetically saying "don't leave me." There is a personality that goes, "If I just keep talking to you, you can't move."
The energetic you co-create
A hundred percent true. They are doing that. It is a form of manipulation. It is very normal. It is not a bad thing in a sense. It is just very normal energetically. There is an emotional attachment, and their whole energy, with their attention, with their gaze, with the conversation, is wanting you to be there in a certain way and respond to them in a certain way. You don't necessarily have to completely cut off and walk away. That might be the right option, but another could be to break that energetic. For example, start dancing. I am using that as a ridiculous example, but you can participate in that energetic in a way that is creatively undoing it. Often, though, you simply do walk away. It all depends. If you are with a client in a therapy session, you probably should not just walk away. But you could roll your chair back. You could play with it. Also notice that if this is happening to you a lot, there is an energetic that you are participating in. You are co-creating it.
It is like my quietness attracts it.
Then you can find ways to play with it, to change it, if you are still wanting to engage. But maybe you don't, and it is more appropriate to disengage.
It is like feeling their anxiety, I suppose, and then I feel anxious as well.
Exactly. Then you own that. In a sense, you probably feel somewhat responsible for it: for doing something, for helping, for supporting, for resolving or managing it. But if it is their anxiety, it is not your problem. However, if it activates your anxiety, now it is a match, and you get stuck.