Confronting the Fear of Letting Go
Confrontar el miedo a soltar
A student shares her personal experience of leaving an ashram and re-entering ordinary life, drawing a parallel to another student's fear that pursuing personal fulfillment might pull her away from what matters most.
Confronting the Fear of Letting Go
A student shares her personal experience of leaving an ashram and re-entering ordinary life, drawing a parallel to another student's fear that pursuing personal fulfillment might pull her away from what matters most.
I can really relate to what was just shared, and I was wondering if it would be okay to share something personal in response. I'm not a mom, but I've experienced a very similar situation, and I feel what the teacher said resonates very much with our gathering last week and with my personal experience. So perhaps I might share and see if it mirrors something back.
A few years ago, maybe ten years ago, I had a very demanding job. I left that job and started my spiritual path. I discovered satsang, and the pull was so strong. It felt like the only thing I wanted to do. I'm not a mom, so please don't misunderstand my interpretation, but I feel like motherhood can be something similar. I have a mom; I see moms around. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that matters.
I went and lived in an ashram for five years, and I felt: this is my life. I just want to do this. I don't want to do anything else.
When things start to feel incomplete
But after four or five years, things were coming up, a little like the struggles that were just shared. I was not completely at ease. Things were missing. I felt incomplete. I didn't have guidance at that time. I didn't know that the ultimate aim was to come back into life and to apply myself in life.
And for me, it was impossible. People around me were telling me, a little like what you're being told now: you need to let go of this; you need to also fulfill yourself as a human being. It felt impossible. It was exactly like what you said. I felt like I didn't even know what my path was. How should I do that? I didn't want my old life, the life I'd left before going to the ashram, and I couldn't see where I could go. I felt that everything would take me away from myself.
But I kept hearing people telling me: you need to go back out there, you need to find a job. Then, about a year and a half ago, I was asked to leave the ashram. I wasn't there anymore, and I started reconsidering this seriously. Maybe this came for a reason. Maybe I just needed to start putting myself out there again.
Welcoming the resistance
It still felt completely impossible. I had this feeling that I would never be able to find my way. But just to share my experience: over the past year and a half, it hasn't been something that happened from one day to the next. It was simply me accepting it, and seeing also the fear I had about putting myself back out there.
This is a little bit what the teacher told me a couple of weeks ago. I asked, "What is the resistance?" and the answer was that resistance is often an indication that this is what you need to do. Somehow, unconsciously, I felt: this resistance is so strong now, maybe I need to push myself a little more. Welcome the resistance, but still hold the intention.
I started having this desire: "Okay, whatever. God, I want to put myself back out there. I have no idea how. Please help me." Even prayer. Then I started doing interviews that felt completely off. Little by little, I was learning more about myself and what I wanted to do.
Life begins to unfold
A few weeks ago, something really beautiful unfolded. The past had been very challenging for me because there was always this fear: whatever I'm going to do will pull me out of satsang, and it's not good. There was also this idea that I would never find the right thing, the right balance between satsang and work. Something I actually liked. It just felt so impossible. But once I decided to go for it, life started helping me, guiding me toward the things that were more right for me. It started unfolding.
It was beautiful, because confronting this fear felt very similar to what you shared. This fear of letting go of something, of losing something. It's so weak now. It's still there sometimes, but something in my heart feels so strong. I'm more and more thinking that nothing can take me away from satsang. And I feel nothing can take you away from your son. If you fulfill yourself, you're just going to be better for it, as you've been told.
I don't know if this resonates, but it was a journey. It's not easy, and it's not over. But it's worth it, just to allow yourself to begin, even without knowing how it's going to work.
Thank you for sharing. One small thing, though: you asked for permission to share, but I don't think you received a clear response before continuing. Just as a general form, when offering this kind of feedback between members, it's good to wait for the person to explicitly accept. Sometimes it can be a lot to receive, and the person may need a moment.
You're right. I'm sorry about that. I saw a nod, but I didn't hear a verbal response. I didn't wait. That's true.
I may have missed it myself, but in general, it's just good form to be mindful of that.