Giving a Child Room to Grow
Darle espacio a un hijo para crecer
A discussion about the tension between devoted single motherhood and the need for a parent to maintain her own identity, especially as her son approaches adolescence.
Giving a Child Room to Grow
A discussion about the tension between devoted single motherhood and the need for a parent to maintain her own identity, especially as her son approaches adolescence.
I concur with everything that's been said, but what I would add is this: it's not selfish toward your son, because he's now almost ten. He's naturally wanting to differentiate himself from you. I would use the word "differentiate" or "individuate," not "separate." It is a type of separation, but he needs to move into who he wants to be. This is important for girls too, but it's particularly important for a boy, because he's not going to be like you in certain fundamental ways.
The good mother gives room to explore
As he naturally wants to pull away a little and discover himself, the good mother says, "Go for it. Okay, that's far enough. Now we'll come back." He's given room to play and explore, but your job is to keep him in relation to you, not so far apart that you're truly separated. If he gets the idea that the two of you have to be fused like this all the time or he loses you, then he'll either choose that fusion, which is catastrophic for his mental health as he grows up, or, knowing your son, he wouldn't choose that. He'd choose to walk away and sort it out all by himself in the world, and that's dangerous.
If you give him room to be himself, if you communicate, "I'm still with you, I'm still totally focused on you, I'm still loving you, but I've got my own identity too; you can be you, you can explore," then he stays in close connection with his mother as you both grow and develop together over time.
Finding the right scale
The other thing I really want to say is: it doesn't mean you have to have some super demanding, super full-time career. Maybe that would be too much. You could ask yourself, "What's a suitable career for a single mom who really wants to be done at four-thirty or five, or who works three days a week?" Then when he's sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, you go into it more fully. I think you just work within your own capacity. If it becomes so stressful that you really aren't being as good a mother, pull back a bit.
Identity caught up in your child
What we've been talking about is really identity. If your identity is caught up in your son, that will be a weight and a burden on him. It will be harder for him to discover who he is.
I also have the advantage of perspective here, being a son of a single mother myself. I have an understanding, from that vantage point, of how this kind of dynamic works. What is unique in your case is that your son is an only child, which I think would only amplify all of this.
I have one more thing to say. Your son has some really special characteristics. He's a gifted kid, and in some ways it's harder to raise a gifted child. He's going to need all that extra enrichment, but he's also going to need room to fly.
I also think, in regard to how much work you're doing: obviously motherhood is a tremendous amount of work. But doing something where you earn money is good for your own sense of strength in the world.
And for your own potential, both in earning capacity and beyond. Your own potential matters here. A gifted son doesn't come out of nowhere.