The Fear of Letting Go
El miedo a soltar
A mother describes the inner turmoil of being torn between devotion to her ten-year-old son and the need to re-engage with her own life and work, and the teacher explores what might actually be blocking her.
The Fear of Letting Go
A mother describes the inner turmoil of being torn between devotion to her ten-year-old son and the need to re-engage with her own life and work, and the teacher explores what might actually be blocking her.
During the meditation, I had a lot of racing thoughts about my son and about the stage we're in right now. My son is ten years old, on the cusp of becoming a teenager. I stepped away from my work due to burnout and my inability to adapt to some very difficult situations, and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to just focus on my life as a mother and enjoy my time with him.
But it's also been very challenging. I didn't grow up in a healthy family environment, so I have a lot of issues from my childhood. When really normal things come up for my son, they can trigger things in me. I've been trying to work on those, but lately I feel like he's getting older. Perhaps he needs to learn to be more independent, but then I'm also thinking he's going to be a teenager, and I feel a lot of pressure about our relationship, how it stands before that transition, peer orientation, all of that.
I also struggle with how I should move forward with my work, with saving for retirement. There's no way I can retire now, not the way things are. I go back and forth constantly. On one hand, this is really important, being with my son at this stage. It's a great opportunity. He's my only child. On the other hand, I'm supposed to be at the highest earning stage of my career and I'm not working. What am I going to do with my future? I don't want to be dependent on anyone.
I know the answer is to balance both. It's not like I can't do both, but I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm being tugged in opposite directions. It causes a lot of turmoil in me. In some moments I think, this is so great having this time with my son. And then at other times I think, I just need to let him be and I should be working. I'm sure a lot of parents have this conflict. I'm just wondering what your thoughts are, if you have any pointers you could share.
Waking up and growing up
There are a few complementary paths in this work. One has to do with seeing things for what they are, not for what they seem to be. Another has to do with how that affects the way we live, and then how the way we live also affects how we see things. You could summarize that as waking up and growing up. There are limits to how much you can grow up without waking up, and vice versa.
What often happens in this work is we hit a ceiling. We can't go deeper or develop further. The challenge then is figuring out where it's easier to unblock the process. Often, if we try to unblock the wrong side, we just go in circles. Sometimes meditating won't shift anything. And sometimes pushing hard, working hard, getting a lot done, having our life develop outwardly, doesn't shift something internally. We can be just as conflicted as we were when things weren't going well.
In your case, my sense is, and I think it's been what I've encouraged you regularly, that the challenge is more on the side of life.
The advice to become functional
When it comes to the waking-up side, pointers about what is real and what is not can be quite clear. But when it comes to the growing-up side, there's a lot more room for error. It may be solid advice, but it's really up to you. My advice is to become functional. By that I mean: to work, to find a way in which you can go back to work in whatever form you can. And then to engage the psychological and emotional aspects through therapy, different kinds of therapy, whatever works. This is what I call the growing-up side.
That will probably also shift the way you raise your son, because if we are stuck, we are affecting others. Especially as parents, there is a limit to what we can offer. If you're not living your full potential, you are communicating that. You're manifesting it in the way you express your life, and it is being seen, read, emulated, and felt by those around you. What we often focus on here is ultimately in service to living. Living fully, in a sense, comes first.
Sometimes I struggle with this: just because I'm not receiving an income for the work I'm doing as a mother doesn't mean I'm not doing work. I don't know if that's just an excuse, but I feel like motherhood is a lot of work too.
I'm not minimizing the work of being a mother. But there is potential for more outside of being a mother.
I don't really see a clear path for that. I feel really lost with anything outside of motherhood currently. I feel interest in certain things, but I don't see a clear path. I get distracted by many things, and I honestly don't know if pursuing something else is really for me, or if my path is with my son. I don't know if that makes sense.
The place to explore
In a way, I'm isolating anything other than motherhood just as a way to focus on what I'm talking about, because motherhood you're already focused on. What I'm pointing to, which is what you're saying, is that you're confused. You don't see a path. But that is the place to explore. One of the ways you can get help is through various kinds of therapeutic assistance or guidance. But it requires diving deeper into these obstacles, finding a way, and really taking on the adventure. Because what you're doing isn't working. It's working to where it's working, but as you yourself describe how you feel, clearly something is not working.
I do resonate with what you say about hitting a ceiling. But I also feel like I can't separate myself from being a mother. I've got my son's cells in my body. He grew inside me.
I'm not saying you should remove that from yourself. I'm just focusing the conversation. For example, yes, if you go back to work, you do that as a mother, because you are a mother. But what I'm pointing to is that there is something you are that is also not a mother. And this is where I'm stepping into the waking-up aspect, which has to do with identity and beliefs about self. In your body, in your mind, in your being, you're a mother. And then there's something prior to that.
I really feel like I had to give up all of that to become a mother.
That's what I'm saying you can recover. And it doesn't come in opposition to motherhood. It doesn't battle with motherhood. It's not an either-or.
I've tried reconnecting to those parts of me prior to motherhood. I feel like they're no longer there anymore. I'd have to start anew or something.
Prior does not mean the past
You're trying to connect to a memory. When I say "prior," I don't mean what was there before in time. I don't mean how you were before you became a mother, in the past. When I say prior, it's in a different dimension, one there isn't easy language to point to. In a sense, yes, you need to find that again. But it's not anything you've had. It's something about where you are, which will then move things for you where they are blocked, where they are stuck.
I feel like if I genuinely do that, it really takes me away from my son.
The fear at the core
Exactly. That's the fear. That's the fear and that's the pain. But what if that is the way? What if it's the healthiest way for you and your son? I'm not saying the way is to take you away from your son. The way is a direction where you feel like it takes you away, where it feels like something ends, dies, brings up pain, brings up fear.
Yeah, there's a lot of fear about that.
What if that is the healthiest thing you could do and the most loving thing you can do? Just to be clear, I'm not saying the way is to be separate or cut off from your son or from motherhood. I'm pointing to the direction that feels like that, that risks that, that internally feels like it risks that.
I guess it's really loaded.
It is. And that's the core of what's blocking you. It's well established that the development of a son involves psychological separation and individuation from the mother.
There's been a lot of counter-will this past year, my son wanting to do the opposite of what I want for him. It feels like it's selfish of me.
What if you're wrong?
Perhaps what feels selfish is the most loving thing you can do. I can only vaguely imagine that must feel like your heart is being crushed with the thought of it. But what if that's the most loving way?
I guess I need to really take that into consideration.
I think so, very seriously. I'll say it a little more directly. What if your sense of selfishness is very wrong, and it's not selfish? For your son's sake, what if you're wrong?
I don't understand.
What if what feels to you like selfishness is actually the most loving thing? For your son's sake, what if you're wrong?
I think I need to sit with everything you've shared with me. Thank you so much.
You're very welcome. Anytime.