The Fear of Losing What Matters Most
El miedo a perder lo que más importa
A student shares her personal experience of feeling unable to re-enter ordinary life after years in an ashram, and how confronting that fear ultimately led to a natural unfolding. The teacher offers a small but important note about group etiquette.
The Fear of Losing What Matters Most
A student shares her personal experience of feeling unable to re-enter ordinary life after years in an ashram, and how confronting that fear ultimately led to a natural unfolding. The teacher offers a small but important note about group etiquette.
I can really relate to what was just shared, and I was wondering if it would be okay to share something personal in response.
I'm not a mom, but I have experienced a very similar situation, and what the teacher said resonates very much with our satsang last week and with my own experience. So perhaps I can share, and maybe it will mirror something back.
The pull of spiritual life
A few years ago, maybe ten years ago, I had a very demanding job. I left that job and started my spiritual path. I discovered satsang, and the pull was so strong. It felt like the only thing I wanted to do. I'm not a mom, so please don't misunderstand my interpretation, but I feel like motherhood can be something like that as well. I have a mom. I see moms around. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that matters.
I went and lived in an ashram for five years, and I felt: this is my life. I just want to do this. I don't want to do anything else. But with time, after four or five years, things started coming up, a little like the struggles being shared now. I was not completely at ease. Things were missing. I felt like I was not complete. I didn't have this kind of guidance at that time. I didn't know that the ultimate aim was to come back into life and to apply myself in life.
When it feels impossible to let go
And for me, it was impossible. People around me were telling me, a little like what was said just now: you need to let go of this, you need to also fulfill yourself as a human being. It felt impossible. It was exactly like what was described. I felt like I didn't even know what my path was. How should I do that? I didn't want my life before the ashram, and I couldn't see where I could go. I felt that everything would take me away from myself.
But I kept hearing people telling me: you need to go back out there, you need to find a job. Then, about a year and a half ago, I was asked to leave the ashram. I started reconsidering this very seriously. Maybe this came for a reason. Maybe I just needed to start putting myself back out there again. It still felt completely impossible. I also had this feeling that I would never be able to find what I was looking for.
Resistance as a signal
Since then, it hasn't happened from one day to the next. It has been a process of simply accepting it and seeing the fear I had about putting myself back out there. This connects to what the teacher told me last week or two weeks ago, when I asked about resistance. He said that resistance is often an indication that this is what you need to do. Somehow, unconsciously, I felt that the resistance was so strong that maybe I needed to push myself a little more: to welcome the resistance but still hold the intention.
I started having this simple desire in me: "Whatever happens, God, I want to put myself back out there. I have no idea how. Please help me." Even prayer. Then I started doing interviews that felt completely off. But little by little, I was learning more about myself and what I wanted to do. A few weeks ago, something really nice unfolded.
Nothing can take it away
The past has been very challenging for me because there was always this fear that whatever I did would pull me out of satsang, that it wasn't good. And also this idea that I would never find the right thing, the right balance between satsang and work and something I actually liked. It felt so impossible. But once I decided to go for it, life started helping me, guiding me toward the things that were more right for me. It started unfolding.
It was beautiful, because confronting this fear felt very similar to what was shared earlier. This fear of letting go of something, of losing something: it is so much weaker now. It is still there sometimes, but something in my heart feels so strong. I am more and more convinced that nothing can take me away from satsang. And I feel that nothing can take you away from your son. If you fulfill yourself, you are only going to be better for it. Everyone has been telling you the same thing.
I don't know if this resonates, but I feel like it has been a journey. It is not easy, and it is not a clearly laid-out path, but it is worth it to allow yourself to see how it can unfold.
Thank you for sharing.
One small note, though. You asked for permission to share, but I don't think you received a response before continuing. Just in general, as a matter of form, it is good to wait for the person to accept. Sometimes it can be a lot to receive.
You're right. I'm sorry about that. I saw a nod but didn't hear a verbal response.
I may have missed it, but just as a general principle, it is good to be mindful of that.