The Mirror of Other People's Pain
El Espejo del Dolor Ajeno
A student shares how witnessing others' suffering becomes overwhelming, leading to a pattern of isolation. The teacher explores how what overwhelms us is always our own, and how that recognition becomes a doorway rather than a dead end.
The Mirror of Other People's Pain
A student shares how witnessing others' suffering becomes overwhelming, leading to a pattern of isolation. The teacher explores how what overwhelms us is always our own, and how that recognition becomes a doorway rather than a dead end.
During the meditation, I loved that part where you said everything is awake. And then it felt like everything was inside us. That was so beautiful. When you say everything is awake, it's like everything exists because it's inside me. When I see something, it becomes reality. It's awake because I'm aware of it, and it's part of me.
And you're not separate from it. You wouldn't be able to see it if it wasn't in a shared reality.
That just feels so beautiful to me.
Good. I want to highlight that what you find beautiful could be a doorway to look more deeply, because there is a truth to it that you can know before the thoughts, before the words. The words can help you clarify.
When the beauty is easy and when it's not
It's easier when you're just looking at a flower or a light, something very neutral. But when you're looking at someone's suffering, it's really overwhelming. I find that quite often I get overwhelmed very easily and tend to enjoy my peace alone, in isolation. That gives me some sense of peace, if I'm not churning away in my machine mind. It's really hard to find that balance.
It's like the flower. You find some kind of restfulness or beauty or peace in being alone, so you're finding the beauty in the flowers. It's easier. But if you just stay there, it's very limited. If you only see beauty in the flower, it's limited. Then you can go where you don't find that peace or restfulness, and find it, because it's always there.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you're always depending on the flower to see the beauty, you're missing the true source. It's the same with peace, with well-being. If it's dependent on being alone, then there's a misunderstanding as to what the peace actually is. It could be clarified, but only by going to where you don't see it. Still, it does matter to find it somewhere to begin with. We can find that in certain hobbies or, in your case, in solitude.
I've found it really challenging this past year when I interact with a lot of people. It's not always the case, but quite often I feel their trauma coming up.
What overwhelms you is yours
That's always a mirror. If it's challenging for you, it's a mirror. If it's overwhelming to you, it's a mirror. What is difficult is what you experience. And that's the opportunity.
So their trauma is my trauma?
It's not that linear, but when you experience what you call the trauma coming up, and then for you it's difficult or overwhelming or challenging, that's you. It's not their trauma. What is difficult is in you. You could say it's a trigger. You could also say you lose your center, you lose your ground, you lose your peace. That's you.
By isolating yourself from those situations, you are, in a sense, denying life. Life is bringing situations for you to go deeper. You could avoid those situations, but you still bring with you that which gets triggered, so that's not a solution. It could be a valid path temporarily, so that you find a ground, a center, a peace. But if you stay in the mechanism of isolating in order to not get triggered, in order to not feel what overwhelms you, it's still a valid option, but it's limited.
I guess that's why I'm bringing it up.
You could tell yourself it's really them and you're just avoiding them, but you're avoiding yourself. You're avoiding the part of you that is hurt.
How would I engage with it? If I do choose to engage, I don't really know how, and sometimes the other person isn't ready to engage with that either.
Owning what's yours
When you say "it" or "that," what are you referring to? If we're talking about your pain, it's not for the other person to engage with. It's for you to engage with. The "how" begins with owning, with responsibility. It's you. It can happen that somebody else is triggered and in their trauma, but what you can do is address what's yours. It's as simple as recognizing when something comes up in you. Your experience, which you described a few minutes ago as their trauma that's overwhelming: it's you that's overwhelmed by something you are feeling.
I feel like they're suffering a lot, and I'm suffering watching them suffer.
You are suffering.
It's my own suffering. I know it's partly me too, a big part of it, but I don't really fully understand it.
Question (second student): Do you know that it's their trauma? Whatever is happening in front of your eyes that you're witnessing, or whatever you're hearing from them, do you know for sure that it's their trauma? I would look into that. What do you really know for sure? There are so many possibilities.
Maybe "trauma" isn't a good word. I feel like they're relating to me from a reactive place, because of the past. Perhaps that's what I meant.
Question (second student): Are they angry with you? Acting towards you in an angry way?
They're sharing something with me that's overwhelming. It could be they're sharing an experience. It could be they're telling me about a problem. Or I'm witnessing something happening in front of me that I feel is coming from a very hurt place.
Question (second student): In the first two cases, if they're opening up to you, telling you about themselves or their past, and it's too much for you, maybe that's the thing to look at. Maybe you're going too far into somebody else's needs and problems. It would be better to let them know when it gets too much, to include yourself in your own boundaries. Sometimes people do get codependent: they can't handle their own feelings and pain, so they seek somebody else to help them with it. If it's too much, you can kindly or gently offer it back to them, just to keep your own center.
I think it's coming more from their behavior than from direct sharing. I just find that in many of my interactions with people, I see so much more deeply now, and I see a lot of hurt. I also feel that in myself. It's overwhelming. So this year, I've preferred my peace alone, and I know that's not really good for me either. I'm not sure why I shared that. I guess it came up because of what was said about seeing the beauty, that everything is awake and inside me. I'm really open to that. But when it's something really challenging, when someone's suffering or behaving in a way that's coming from suffering, it's so much for me. I feel it much more deeply this year.
The door is the difficulty itself
I really just want to say that it's a mirror. And that's a door, because what overwhelms you is your own. That's the door: to recognize that the only thing that overwhelms you is yours. Maybe it's hard to see or believe. I would just say, trust me enough to explore that possibility. Not blindly, but as an experiment.
Once I feel that and see that, the stories start running in my head again, and it becomes about them, not about me.
Exactly. And that's how you know.
It's probably me projecting onto them. They're not suffering. I'm making myself suffer through them.
Even if they are suffering, that part isn't what's relevant here. Because it's all you.
It's on me, isn't it? It's always me.
It's very simple. When it becomes "the problem is them, so I just need to isolate, and then I'd be at peace," you're not at peace. You're hiding. You're in an inner cave, controlling your environment so that you don't get triggered by your own pain.
This isn't unique to you. The way it's happening for you is unique to you, but the pattern itself is not. Trust that it is you and that it is a door. Also trust that there is a way it can be resolved in you, where somebody could be in pain or in trauma, and you can be there and not feel overwhelmed. You can be at peace. You can be in beauty and love and openness.
And then what was said about boundaries is very relevant. We always have to dance in relationships, sensing when something is right for the moment or not. It might be very appropriate to say no to certain conversations if they're not feeling right.
I definitely have difficulty setting up boundaries. I guess my question wasn't very clear.
You didn't have a question, but you shared, we started exploring, and this came up.
Thank you. It always comes back to me, doesn't it?