The Cage of Self-Doubt
La jaula de la duda sobre uno mismo
A musician describes a growing creative flow and joy in their work, yet struggles with self-doubt and limiting beliefs about what is possible. The teacher points to the contradiction between wanting expansion while clinging to contraction.
The Cage of Self-Doubt
A musician describes a growing creative flow and joy in their work, yet struggles with self-doubt and limiting beliefs about what is possible. The teacher points to the contradiction between wanting expansion while clinging to contraction.
I was in contemplation recently, and there was a realization. It came pretty quickly: I am joy, actually. I am joy and peace, and I am everywhere. The only thing the mind does is play this comical trick. When I'm in that recognition, it's such a laughable ruse: the mind creates this fictional character who needs to pursue joy. It was really funny to notice.
It's like a choice to believe that trick. And just now I was driving, listening to a musician I also saw live last week, someone I listened to a lot in my twenties. It connected me with this joy and this flow again.
There's a lot happening for me with music, especially this year. What's new is that there's much more joy, but also something I don't quite know how to describe: a sense of flowing more with creativity, of bringing my music out into the world. I've always been more of a musical worker, not so much a performer or creator putting things out there. But this year a lot of compositions have been coming out, a lot of motivation and enjoyment.
I was listening in the car and feeling that so much is possible in that area. But there's also still a lot of not believing. Not believing that more things can change in that area of my life. There's an impatience too: how do I get my music to more people? Why aren't people listening? And then I think, well, it's only been a year since I really started putting energy into this.
Is it more accurate to say not trusting?
Yes, exactly.
The belief you need to lose
Because maybe the belief is actually the reverse. You're believing that it's not possible. So what you need is less believing.
I suppose so. But there are also so many people talking about formulas: "Do this, do that." The real formula is just good music. But I have doubts. I don't trust that enough. I've been moving more in that direction, but I don't know. Maybe it's a matter of trusting what life brings my way.
Obviously the life of a musician is challenging. But what I'm hearing is more about the belief that it's not possible. That kind of self-doubt is based on beliefs. When you say you're "not believing" that it's possible, it might sound like a small semantic point that I'm being pushy about. But I think it really matters. Look at the beliefs you still have, because those beliefs are keeping you in a contracted place. They are the cage that keeps your energy, your abilities, and your expression more limited than they need to be.
Yes.
Contraction as false safety
And those beliefs are serving a purpose. They give you a false sense of safety, a limited sense of safety. It's as if you follow certain rules or beliefs, and at least then you know you're operating within something known. You have a sense of controlling this reality.
For example, when you shared that recording with me a few days ago, I shared it with a group you're in, and you told me, "Hey, you're exposing me to the group." My sense was: you should be doing that yourself. You're creating music, you're putting music out. Any opportunity you have to spread it to the world and then see what happens, you should take. But clearly there is a series of beliefs operating in you that create a series of actions designed to limit that. You want more listeners, but you don't want to share your song. There's a contradiction.
The dance between expansion and contraction
There is an energy in you, based on beliefs, based on fears, that is controlling you and keeping you limited, limited in the sense of the potential of your expression. Part of you wants expansion. Part of you wants contraction. You're caught in that dance. But expansion doesn't come by forcing expansion. It comes by seeing the contraction and then releasing it. The expansion will naturally happen.
So you're talking about beliefs about how much is possible? How much is possible in music, how much is my potential?
Yes, all of the negative beliefs around that. And they don't get solved by positive beliefs, because positive beliefs are just fighting the negative ones. You have to uproot the negative beliefs and then see what happens. But the thing I'm pointing out is: notice your attachment. There is a desire and attachment to keeping yourself small. It's obviously fear-based, but it's protecting an identity, a false identity, an image.
Perfectionism as a hiding place
I see it in the perfectionism too. I'm never totally happy with what I create, or I never feel it's finished, so I delay sharing. Beliefs like, "Why am I going to share this if I don't have a plan, or something I know will work?" Stupid ideas, really.
Yes. Exactly.