The Whirlpool Slowing Down
El remolino desacelerándose
A student describes a sudden energetic experience that left them feeling as though a large piece of self had dropped away, bringing anxiety, fear, and a sense that "nothing is here." The teacher addresses what remains when familiar identity dissolves, and how to relate to the fear that accompanies the process.
The Whirlpool Slowing Down
A student describes a sudden energetic experience that left them feeling as though a large piece of self had dropped away, bringing anxiety, fear, and a sense that "nothing is here." The teacher addresses what remains when familiar identity dissolves, and how to relate to the fear that accompanies the process.
A couple of days ago, I started feeling a lot of anxiety, so I just lay down in my bed. All of a sudden this huge energetic event happened. It felt like the body was dying, so I curled up, just trying to get through it. Something was moving; I just knew there was a lot of energy moving through. Since then, it has felt like there's really nothing here. There's no ability to reference anything. I don't really exist. It's just one big thing without any stability at all.
The body responded to this with so much anxiety. Sometimes terror just comes in, this sense of the body going, "Wait a minute, something's not here," trying to hold on to something. Like you said, trying to be the triangle over and over again. But it's clear that that's just not what's happening anymore. It feels like something dropped away, some big piece of self or something.
I just wanted to know your thoughts. Is there anything to do? I notice especially when I meditate that everything feels like it's swirling around, and the anxiety and tightness in my chest gets more intense.
That's awesome.
It's crazy.
Allowing the energetic process
That's kind of by the book how it goes. For different people it's different. There can be more of a physical-sensation journey, very energetic, very much felt in the body. You might even see the nervous system affected, muscles twitching, all kinds of things. This has been meticulously named, categorized, and documented, especially in Hinduism: kriyas, various yogic maps. But that's not for this moment, because when it happens, it's just a matter of allowing and going into the mystery of what it is, rather than going into the understanding or the mapping of it. That would bring you back to the world of ideas and somebody having an experience. I don't have a sense you're doing that, but just as a comment: let that journey be.
A new way of desiring
The exploration at that point would be more around what you feel is calling you at the level of desire. But it will be a different kind of desire, a different kind of calling than the one we previously know, the one that's all about the stability of something in time. It's more of a discovery of a new way of desiring.
You might have to explore changing your mind a lot. For example, you might be getting up to make a coffee, and halfway there something picks up that, no, there's something in that impulse that had become automatic. You can realize, "Wait, do I really want a coffee?" The awareness in that moment notices that suddenly it's not about the coffee. Suddenly you're just walking in a circle, exploring the sensation of your feet. It's really about the playful enjoyment of experience. And of course, if we're listening at every level, there might also be a wanting to do something very functional, like work. Everything is part of the game. We learn to balance different energies: deeper, more complex energies, movements, and desires.
"Nothing here" is a transition
The other thing: you said there's no one here, there's nothing here. In a sense, obviously, that's language. But it's pointing to what I see as a transition, because there is something here as well. When I call your name, you respond with "I." Something is getting referenced. There is something rather than nothing.
Like a body? Is that what you mean?
No, because that's an assumption. Is it a body? Is it a body, that which knows?
Oh, I see what you're saying. There's some entity. It's not clear what it is, but something.
"Entity" is maybe saying too much.
Yeah, I see where you're going with that.
Refining what remains
Now it's a matter of refining and clarifying what it is. In the metaphor of the triangle: suddenly the triangle is gone, or it appears and you see clearly, "That's not I." And yet there's still something that is here.
Yes.
You could say something's gone, or there's nothing here, no one here, but there's still something here. That can be clarified, though language is really poor from this point on. It can be referenced as emptiness, or silence. I'm pointing to the transition between the attachment to "I" being a thing, an entity, which is what we've been rehearsing from very young, and seeing through it. That entity still has a function, but it becomes clearly seen as a system of thoughts that has a function. It no longer references what I am. Same with the body.
So keep looking, keep refining. It's going to be trippy.
It does feel like I'm on mushrooms right now, basically.
The system trying to recreate itself
I have one more question. There's something that seems to be trying to recreate a triangle here. That just happens until it doesn't. You keep getting pulled back, and then everything overtakes the environment again. But something is trying to pull back, and that something is afraid. Afraid of death, or at least those are the thoughts. Is that mostly what it is? There's nothing that's actually afraid of death; it's more thoughts that are just saying there's fear?
There is still a thing that is a system. It's not an isolated, separate thing, but it is a system. It's like a whirlpool in a river. It has a momentum, and as it's slowing down it's losing its sense of being a whirlpool, because it blends into the rest of the river. In a sense, it is dying. So the fear of death is valid.
That's good to hear.
But it's not what you are. In that metaphor, you are the river. There is, however, the experience of something, a part of you, that is undergoing a process which includes the death of that system. The ending of something. Death is really ending: something ending.
The gold ring
If you're a gold ring and you get placed into a furnace in order to be made into a necklace, the part of you that is "ring" is ending. But you're really the gold. The part of you that is ring is ending. When we talk about the absolute reality of things in language and in form, we have to address both sides to be complete. In a sense, the part of you that is ring is ending. It's still a part of you. And so it does experience, and will respond and react, as if it were dying. The body will die. It will end.
But the fear is just part of the ending process. The fear, the tightness in the chest, all of that is just part of this system knowing that it's ending.
Yes. And there's a distinction here: it's not the ending of the body. It's the ending of the system of thought, the one that says, "I am this triangle. I am this thing that I've imagined."