Pessimism, Distrust, and What Lies Beneath
Pesimismo, desconfianza y lo que yace debajo
A student notices a recurring pattern of pessimistic thinking and distrust, particularly in close relationships, and wonders what drives it.
Pessimism, Distrust, and What Lies Beneath
A student notices a recurring pattern of pessimistic thinking and distrust, particularly in close relationships, and wonders what drives it.
I've been noticing something over the past few days. With all the chaos of moving, cleaning the old place, returning it, it's been a lot. But something has come up repeatedly and is very present in my awareness now. It's not exactly negative thinking, but when something could go either way, I tend to give more weight to the idea that it's going to go the wrong way. I lean toward the worse outcome.
What do you mean by "attach"? You said you tend to attach to the idea that it will go the wrong way.
Actually, I don't really dwell on it. It's more like I assign a higher probability to the bad outcome. At the same time, I realize I don't get stuck there. If it goes the wrong way, I don't spiral into "there it goes again." If it goes the right way, I just note it and move on. But I've noticed this pattern clearly: a pessimistic tendency, and alongside it, something that has really hooked me, which is a tendency toward blaming others and being distrustful.
I'll give you a very simple example. It was innocent in a way, but it was meaningful to me. A friend helped me move. I hired movers, but two friends also helped. One of them helped me unscrew my bed so it would fit in the elevator. When we got to the new place, he was helping me screw the bed back together, and some screws were missing. He said, "Oh, I remember there were screws missing when I was taking it apart." My first thought was: he's lying, he lost the screws. It was fine, no big deal, but I was suspicious. I asked him, "Are you sure? Didn't you put them in your pockets?" He said no. We put the bed together, and I forgot about it.
Then I went back to the old place and found a box of tools, and there were the extra screws. I had never put them in the bed in the first place. I'd kept them in a bag, maybe from when I originally bought it. I stood there holding the bag thinking: why did I go to that place? He told me there were missing screws. It could have been as simple as that. But I had to distrust him. And it really made me think that I do this a lot.
On separating two kinds of pessimism
You're bringing up something significant, because this isn't just some random situation. It's a relationship. This is an ex of yours, right?
You're addressing something that has to do with all of the material that comes up in relationships, especially close ones. The more a relationship involves romance or sexual intimacy, the deeper the things it will bring up. I say that to give this its proper weight. It's not some small thing with a random person. If the mover had been the one with the missing screws, you might have had a similar thought, but you probably wouldn't have felt it as intensely. This situation is activating deeper dynamics: your upbringing, your relational patterns, all of that.
The trust issues, the blaming, the distrust: these are what's surfacing, and it's not simply a tendency toward pessimism. There's more underneath.
So there's a distinction to make. There's the ordinary, surface-level pessimism, the habit of catastrophic thinking or expecting the worst. You can notice that and start to adjust it by recognizing: "Oh, that's just a pessimistic thought." Then you don't give it too much importance. But the example you brought up is not that. It's something much deeper.
I love that you're helping me separate these two things. The catastrophic and pessimistic thinking does happen, and I don't enjoy it. I wish I could just choose positive thinking instead. But you're right: I don't dwell too much on those surface-level thoughts.
You could be positively delusional instead. "Oh, this person is great, they're amazing," while they're taking advantage of you.
Right, exactly. But separate from the relational stuff, because you're right, that is different. I'm noticing it also happens with people at work. Someone triggers me and I think, "This person is trying to..." and I catch myself wondering: why this level of activation? It's just work. Nothing bad is actually happening. So why am I this triggered?
It's probably unconscious.
The function of preparing for the worst
Yes, but there's also an element of preparing for the worst. Like: in case the worst happens, can I handle it? Can I handle those feelings?
It's been interesting because at different moments in life we become aware of things that are arising. Over the past months I've become so aware of this pattern, and I keep thinking: what is happening? I didn't know I was doing it so much. But the level of awareness itself seems to be telling me that I need to look at this.
Right, for sure.
Thank you. And I want to say, what was shared earlier today about the experience of hiring and being hired really moved me. I've been on the other side of hiring someone too, and I know there is always this feeling of "did I make the right choice?" But it's the same on both sides. It's a bet for everyone involved. I recently hired my first person, and I went through those same processes: did I make the right choice? There was another candidate who came so close. It's always so much pressure on both ends. When we're on one side, it feels like it's just us and all of our stuff, but it's a human-to-human situation. And as much as big tech companies make it feel like there's a perfect process for selecting the perfect candidate, it's never that clean. It made me reflect on my own patterns of second-guessing.
Yeah, that was helpful. Thank you for sharing.