The Mystery of a True Relationship
El Misterio de una Relación Verdadera
A question about the strange "third energy" that arises between two people in a genuine relationship, and whether that experience might be closer to reality than one's ordinary sense of self.
The Mystery of a True Relationship
A question about the strange "third energy" that arises between two people in a genuine relationship, and whether that experience might be closer to reality than one's ordinary sense of self.
Sometimes my prayer is simply, "Help me see more clearly," and then full stop, especially if I know I'm churning about something. But what I wanted to ask about is the mystery of love. Earlier this year I was seeing someone, and I noticed that when I was with him, it felt like there was me, then there was him, and then there was this force field, almost like a third entity with a life of its own. I got curious about it, because it's not really a third thing. So is it perhaps more real than what I think I am? Or maybe it's just a mystery I'll never understand. If he were to walk into the room, the energy would change. I would become a different life force: part of him, but also not part of him. I was wondering if you had anything to say about that. What is it? Is it actually closer to reality than when I'm on my own, or is it something else?
First of all, it is. Explanations could be a disservice, but that said, it is real. There is no way to define something that is always in movement and changing. But a lot of the time, it will be more real than when you're alone.
The third energy as a sign of truth
Because of how you're describing it, it seems like a real relationship. It is very likely that when you're alone, you often retreat into your own mind. When that happens, you're less in touch with reality. But when you are with him, that relationship, because it appears to be a true relationship (and by "true" I mean there's something more real because of this third presence you feel), that indicates there is truth in it. It is shifting you out of your center of gravity being the "me" thought, the "me" world.
And that's a whole spiritual path. No path is in opposition to any other; they're complementary. A true relationship is a complementary spiritual path. It acts as a mirror. It's hard for us to stay self-involved and trapped in ideas of "me" when there's another who breaks that pattern and invites us to relate to something beyond it. And if you're feeling this third energy, there's a maturity there.
In general, I would say it is a mystery. Not too much can be said. The more that is said, the more risk there is of sterilizing it, pulling it into the world of thought and co-opting it into a mental understanding. But the relationship, if it is true and stays true, will always break those barriers. It will always challenge those contractions and those beliefs. That is the power of a relationship that is true. And it could be friendship; it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. The relationship with a teacher, if the match is right, produces the same thing in different ways, different flavors, different forms.
So what is a true relationship, then? Why would one person inspire that shift and another person just not inspire it at all?
What makes a relationship true
There is mystery in it. It's really magical when it happens. But you could also say: there are two people who are honest with each other. It's not a black-and-white thing. There are always going to be degrees of honesty. But there must be a certain kind of openness, authenticity, and honesty for that third energy to be felt. And I don't think you're imagining it. When you say there's a third energy, something that appears, that's a sign that two people are simply more interested in truth, in relationship, in the other, than in their own self-involved world.
And it just requires fifty-one percent. A tiny preference more toward the other than toward my own world. That creates this energy, this interest in something beyond my ideas of my separate self.
I like the fifty-one percent idea, because the thoughts are still there. You can still sense them. But there's also this other force that is dominant when you're physically in the same room. When you're apart, it's still there, but the thoughts tend to become the fifty-one percent again.
Thoughts don't need to disappear
It's never about the thoughts going away. It's about what we attribute to be more real and more important. If the thoughts about "me" start to become more real and more important, we get lost in separation, ignorance, and illusion. But I could be in a completely open, loving relationship and still have thoughts. Thoughts are operational. They are creativity, problem-solving, forms of expression. There may also be thoughts that are neurotic.
But that is precisely what can become beautifully experienced in a mirroring relationship: one where I am more interested in knowing the other as they are, in the mystery of the other, than in them being how I want them to be. The latter is the self-involved need. It doesn't mean that the self-involved need can't be fully activated and present in a relationship. But if the relationship has that fifty-one percent, that greater interest in the relationship itself, then I will be able to expose what arises. I can say, "I really have this thing coming up. I'm wanting this. I'm feeling this." I can express and expose whatever activation of neediness is there. And that can happen both ways.
Then there's vulnerability. There's fun, because it's like getting to know each other's way of being. In that openness, we learn to appreciate each other and the struggles we're in. There is more and more connection, bonding, and trust. And you start to see more and more of the mystery of the other, unfolding.