The Apology Question
La pregunta sobre la disculpa
A student reflects on a past relationship where her partner refused to apologize on principle, and asks whether the desire for an apology is a genuine need or an ego-driven demand. The teacher reframes the question around what we bring to relationships that no other person can ever fully satisfy.
The Apology Question
A student reflects on a past relationship where her partner refused to apologize on principle, and asks whether the desire for an apology is a genuine need or an ego-driven demand. The teacher reframes the question around what we bring to relationships that no other person can ever fully satisfy.
I have a small question about the topic of relationships again. It was interesting what was said earlier about wanting a partner to validate your needs, to acknowledge and empathize. That was definitely a big theme in my last relationship, and it got confusing because he was quite headstrong in how he wanted to express himself.
One of the main reasons I ended things was that he had this whole stance about apologizing. He believed that saying sorry means you feel guilty, that you feel shameful, that you feel bad.
The thing about not apologizing, yes.
Exactly. He had an entire philosophy around it.
Rationalization, yes.
I tried to understand it. I really did. But in the end, none of the issues we were trying to work through ever felt resolved. There was no sense of closure for me. He would say it was my ego that wanted an apology. And I still don't know. I'm still working that out, because there is something true about the deeper pattern of not feeling your needs acknowledged.
I can see how my emotions got the better of me sometimes, how I wanted him to understand the emotional pain I was going through and be there for me. But the apology thing specifically: is there anything you can say about that? Do you think it's something that's necessary? I still feel confused about it. I had to weigh the desire for empathy and validation against a kind of reality.
The limits of what another person can give
Part of what you're asking about is a previous relationship, and we can get into that. But there is a broader question here about how much a person can actually give.
For example, I could be very validating, compassionate, and empathic, but if that is simply not enough, then the question becomes: what is happening in me? If I speak about myself, there were issues in my own relationships where my partner could have been great at offering that kind of care, but it was just never enough. It was never enough.
And that is the point where it starts to direct your attention inward. What is it that I am bringing, that lives in me, that no human being could ever satisfy?