The Difference Between Guilt and Remorse
La diferencia entre la culpa y el remordimiento
A student reflects on a past relationship with someone who claimed to have transcended guilt and shame, and the teacher distinguishes between toxic guilt and genuine remorse.
The Difference Between Guilt and Remorse
A student reflects on a past relationship with someone who claimed to have transcended guilt and shame, and the teacher distinguishes between toxic guilt and genuine remorse.
He had a lot of similar qualities to my father, and I was trying to change his mind and convince him, just like I wanted to do with my father. But there are still some doubts, because he was so certain. He was so certain, and I'm more fluid. I'm often not so certain, so it can be quite convincing. But something didn't feel right, and I do see the projections and the match. The guilt thing: you nailed it. That was exactly it. He said he had given up guilt and shame, and that's why he didn't agree with apologizing, because apologizing meant admitting you felt guilty, and he said he actually didn't feel guilty. I tried to understand.
The thing is, people are usually pretty smart, and so the rationalization has a lot of good points. But ultimately, all of that correctness is in service to an avoidance.
Guilt versus remorse
I don't think anybody should feel guilt. Guilt is a toxic emotion; there's nothing good to it. One should feel guilt when one is feeling it, meaning you should not suppress it, but my point is that nobody, through an action, ever deserves to feel guilt.
There is something different, though, which is shame, remorse, and regret. There is a healthy response: a deep remorse toward someone who was hurt by me. I wish I hadn't done it. There's a pain to that when it's really true, and that pain is not guilt. It is a true, real, loving response. It sounds like: "I have hurt you, and even if in the moment I knew I was hurting you and it was intentional, I regret it, because I see what it did to you." That can then be expressed. You can call it an apology or whatever you like.
Guilt is a whole other matter. It doesn't bring anything good because it doesn't lead anyone to feeling that remorse. It is actually a contraction: self-involved, contracted, just a negative narrative about oneself. It is not the open, loving, vulnerable heartburn of "I have hurt someone, and I regret having done that."
When "giving it up" is actually denial
But when somebody says, "I've given up guilt," that is not the same as, "I am now free to move with remorse when appropriate, to be with it when necessary." It is a denial, a pushing away, an avoidance.
There's a difference between regret and guilt, but in a sense it is healthy that we feel some kind of negative sensation when we act unconsciously, even if we didn't mean to hurt the person or inconvenience them. It's almost a course corrector. And it felt like he didn't have that. He would say, "No, I don't feel bad. I know we're all just learning. Why should I feel bad that I made a mistake?" He even said, "I don't believe in mistakes."
That's a very familiar rationale of denial.
That's what it felt like.
The danger of avoiding guilt
I also want to clarify what I meant. I don't wish for anybody to feel guilt. But if you do feel guilty, you should feel it. You should recognize it. That's what I was talking about with inner integrity. There is the emotion of guilt, and then there is the avoidance of the emotion of guilt. A person who has the tendency to feel guilty and then avoids it is a person who is often creating quite a bit of trouble. I'm not saying that's your ex; I'm just generalizing.
Thank you.
You're welcome.