The Knowing That Is Unharmed
El Conocer que permanece ileso
A student processing relational conflict and deep shame is reminded that what they fundamentally are, the awareness that knows all experience, remains completely unharmed by even the most agonizing contraction.
The Knowing That Is Unharmed
A student processing relational conflict and deep shame is reminded that what they fundamentally are, the awareness that knows all experience, remains completely unharmed by even the most agonizing contraction.
If the other person is triggered too, then in a way it's true that you do need to process it on your own. And then the question becomes: is it a fear of losing the relationship, a fear of abandonment, something like that? I think for me there was a deeper fear, which was the fear of losing the relationship and it being all my fault. I was also caught in shame, which is a really difficult one. So it's step by step: work on the thoughts, increase your ability to stay with a certain amount of sensation, and then you'll see a deeper layer of what you believe is true, what you're terrified of. I think the main thing is just to observe it.
But it is okay if you have to process it alone, to some extent. That might also overlap with some deep fear of "I'm going to be alone, I have to be alone." You were pretty alone in ways as a child that you shouldn't have been. It would have been nice to have an adult to help you process that, and the absence of that was wrong in a sense. It was a wrong belief formed at that time. So there's a residual belief that feels wrong to you now, but it is true that sometimes you need to process things. Not always alone, though. You can process with a therapist. And when your partner can't be there for it, he just can't.
The awareness that knows all experience
I have one more thing to offer. What you are is aware, right now. You're hearing me. You experience sensations. You see, you hear, you have thoughts. You're aware of thoughts and emotions. That which knows all of this is what you are. That subjectivity, that sense of subjectivity, is what you are, and it is always unharmed by what is experienced.
There could be a tremendous amount of fear, stories of torment, of pain, but the knowing of it is always unharmed. That which knows the pain, that which knows the torment. Before you are in torment, you're aware. During torment, you're aware. After torment, you're aware. That which goes unchanged and unaffected, that which is the same now as it was when you were a child: that knowing is also what knows you, and it is completely unharmed. It is completely okay with what's happening.
It takes time for what I'm describing, naming as a truth, to become your own understanding. To understand that that is where you are, and that it is completely safe. I'm naming it, but I'm offering it as a possibility of something being true now: what you are is completely okay and completely unharmed. The depth of torment that has come, that might come, the pain, the fear, the heartbreak, the agonizing contraction: that which knows it is untouched. You are less the contraction and more the knowing of it. You are less the pain and more the knowing of it. That which is hearing now, seeing now, feeling a little bit of a smile now.
I can feel that a part of me fights that. But then there's a subtle thing in the background that doesn't fight it. It's not like a part of me exactly, but there's always a relief in hearing it. I can feel the defenses come up. I can hear my mind saying something like, "I'll take your word for it." But even as that was happening, it was like trying to relax into it.
Don't believe it; explore it
Don't take my word for it. Take it as a "what if" and then explore it yourself. I often say: just give it the benefit of the doubt that it's as I'm describing, but don't buy into it. Don't turn it into a belief, because that won't be useful. Just let 51% of you be open to it.
What we're describing is a back-and-forth bouncing. We contract, we expand. We contract, we expand. We resist, we deny, then we see and recognize, and then we resist and deny again. But over time, if we keep looking, if we persevere and remain committed to seeing truth and knowing reality, what starts as 99% resistance and only a small opening gradually shifts. When we cross a threshold, we arrive at 51% accepting and 49% resisting. That's where things start to really shift.