The Refusal to Apologize
La negativa a pedir disculpas
A question about a former partner's philosophy against apologizing, and how to distinguish genuine freedom from guilt versus avoidance of vulnerability.
The Refusal to Apologize
A question about a former partner's philosophy against apologizing, and how to distinguish genuine freedom from guilt versus avoidance of vulnerability.
I have a small question about the topic of relationships again. It was interesting what was said earlier about wanting a partner to validate needs, to acknowledge and empathize. That was definitely a big theme in my last relationship, and it got confusing because he was quite headstrong in how he wanted to express himself. One of the main reasons I ended things was that he had this stance about apologizing. He believed that saying sorry means you feel guilty and shameful, and he had a whole philosophy around it. I tried to understand it, I really did. But in the end, none of the issues we were trying to work through ever felt resolved. There was never any closure for me. He would say it was my ego that wanted an apology. I'm still working out whether it was simply about my needs not being acknowledged, because that was true. I can see how my emotions got the better of me sometimes, how I wanted him to understand the emotional pain I was going through and be there for me. But just the apology thing: is there anything you can say about that? Do you think it's something that's necessary? I still feel confused about it.
I should also say that he was a deeply compassionate person. So I had to weigh that desire for empathy and validation against a broader reality.
Right, the rubber bag.
The thing that can happen, and part of what you're asking about concerns a previous relationship, is that there's a level of how much a person can give. For example, I could be very validating, compassionate, and empathic, but if that just isn't enough, then the question becomes: what is happening in me? There can be situations where a partner is great at providing that, but it's just never enough. That starts to point toward something I am bringing, something no human being could ever fully give.
The hungry ghost in relationships
We could imagine: "If only my partner stepped up a little more in this way or that way, then I would get what I need." But there can be a hungry ghost that will never be satisfied, to the point where no human being will resolve it. That hunger is actually a projection of a wounding, a pain from a previous lack of something in early childhood rearing and parenting. In a sense, yes, a conscious relationship will be a process through which that is healed. But it's not healed because the other person gives you everything you're needing.
So there's a balance. Is this relationship a healthy relationship? Suppose your ex-partner was a narcissist and a very difficult person, and it just didn't work out. That's great to see, the limitations in the other. But eventually, whatever you were bringing is what you will keep bringing to every relationship until it is met.
I am in the camp that some things can only really get resolved in relationship. You could work on understanding more about what was happening with him, and that could help you resolve something. But there is a dimension that only gets resolved through working with what arises when you are activated and triggered with a person you're involved with. All of the work on waking up is very powerful, but there are relational pains that often get resolved only through doing this work while in relationship.
The rationalization against apologizing
Now, somebody who has a full rationale and philosophy around never apologizing: that is a very problematic thing. It usually points to someone who is in deep shame. Any sort of apology would break them down into their own shame and guilt. It's fundamentally an avoidance of the vulnerability required to feel the pain of "I have hurt you, and I really didn't mean to, and I did that unconsciously but intentionally because I got triggered." That is a really difficult thing for a lot of people. They simply cannot feel it because they are already drowning in that sensation. Their entire relational strategy is built around how to avoid going there. So it's always going to be your problem, always going to be your ego demanding something.
Someone who is truly free will be able to apologize, and at other times say, "No, I don't think an apology is necessary right now." Someone who is free will be attuned to reality. They will respond with an apology when it's appropriate because they see they have made a mistake, and they will not respond with an apology when it's not appropriate, or they will push back on the request when there genuinely wasn't anything to apologize for.
The challenge is that, from what you've shared, avoidance is likely what was happening. The underlying issue would require feeling a very deep shame or guilt. Guilt is a toxic emotion that is simply unbearable for some people, and the reason traces back to how they were brought up.
The perfect match of wounds
On your side, there was also something that was yours, and often it's a good match. It happens to be that the way you were, in your particular challenges, is what triggered him. When we fall in love, these are usually the things that click. Until we have healed through them, what attracts us is the match of conditioning. At first, the attraction is: "This feels like the person I didn't get the love I wanted from when I needed it. Let's see if I can get it now." It's a projection, a transference of the early childhood wounding.
When that's mutual, two people come together where you have the perfect thing to trigger the person who has the perfect thing to trigger you. It's a perfect match because you will not satisfy each other either. The falling in love quickly turns into falling out of love and conflict. In that moment, you either commit to a process of consciousness, waking up, and healing together, or you separate, or you remain in a torturous relationship.
Yeah, and that's exactly it. He had a lot of similar qualities to my father, and I was trying to change his mind and convince him, just like I wanted to do with my father. But I guess there are still some doubts, because he was so certain. He was so certain, and I'm more fluid. I'm often not so certain, so it can be quite convincing. But there was just something that didn't feel right. And I do see the projections and the match. The guilt thing, you nailed it. That was exactly it. He said he had given up guilt and shame, and that's why he didn't agree with apologizing, because it would mean feeling guilty when he said he actually didn't feel guilty. I tried to understand.
People are pretty smart, and so the rationalization has a lot of good points. But ultimately, all of that correctness is in service to an avoidance.
Guilt versus remorse
I don't think anybody should feel guilt. Guilt is a toxic emotion; there is nothing good to it. No one, through some action, deserves to feel guilt. But if guilt arises, one should feel it and recognize it. That's where inner integrity comes in.
There is something different, however, which is remorse and shame. There is a healthy response: remorse, regret. A deep remorse toward someone who was hurt by me, and I wish I hadn't caused that hurt. There is a pain to that when it's really true. That pain is not guilt. It is a true, real, loving response. It says, "I have hurt you, and even if in the moment I knew I was hurting you and it was intentional, I regret it, because I see what it did to you." That can then be expressed. You can call it an apology or something else.
Guilt is a whole other matter. It doesn't bring anything good. It doesn't bring anyone to that genuine remorse. Guilt is a contraction, self-involved, just a negative narrative about oneself. It is not this open, loving, vulnerable heartburn of "I have hurt someone, and I regret having done that."
But when somebody says, "I've given it up," that is not freedom to move with the feeling when appropriate and be with it when necessary. It is a denial, a pushing away, an avoidance.
Yeah, there's a difference between regret and guilt. But in a sense, it is healthy that we feel some kind of negative sensation when we act unconsciously, even if we didn't mean to hurt the person. It's almost a course corrector. And it felt like he didn't have that. He would say, "No, I don't feel bad. I know we're all just learning. Why should I feel bad that I made a mistake?" He even said, "I don't believe in mistakes."
That's a very familiar rationale of denial.
Okay, that's what it felt like.
The avoidance of guilt
I want to clarify what I meant. I don't wish for anybody to feel guilt. But if you do feel guilty, you should feel it. You should recognize it. There is the emotion of guilt, and then there is the avoidance of the emotion of guilt. A person who has the tendency to feel guilty and then avoids it is often a person creating quite a bit of trouble. I'm not saying that's your ex; I'm just generalizing.
Yeah. Thank you.
You're welcome.