When Seeking Falls Away
Cuando la búsqueda se desvanece
A student describes how, during a silent retreat, the energy of seeking dissolved once it became clear there was nothing to attain. The teacher addresses how to navigate this shift without prematurely abandoning the inquiry.
When Seeking Falls Away
A student describes how, during a silent retreat, the energy of seeking dissolved once it became clear there was nothing to attain. The teacher addresses how to navigate this shift without prematurely abandoning the inquiry.
I was on a seven-day silent meditation retreat last week, and while I was there, a lot of things clarified for me. No separation, no self. It became obvious that everything is just moving and changing in the moment. There is nothing fixed; it's just here and gone, here and gone, everything always changing, and awareness is simply present to all of that.
What happened is that the seeking energy totally slipped away from me. It left me in a strange place. I really saw that there is nothing to get, nothing I can push for. That whole orientation is a misinformed way of looking at the process. So I started wondering: what is the motivation to continue exploring, to continue meditating, to continue going into these insights? Before, it was largely based on a false presumption, even if very subtle and subconscious, that I was going to get something out of it. Now I see that's not possible. Could you comment on that? On personal will, on seeking, and how that evolves once you see this?
When you said the seeking energy slipped away, what do you mean?
I just realized there's no point in seeking. The seeking energy comes from a desire for a different feeling state, or a state that's going to last, and no states last. So it's more about being with what is and the changes of it, clarifying no self and the lack of separation. There's nothing to get, per se. Or maybe that's misinformed. I don't know.
A threshold in time
No, it's good. There is a shift when the understanding goes deeper. There is a threshold where you break through the seeking of something in time. That is what you're talking about: the recognition that there is nothing you can get in the next moment, or tomorrow.
But it would still be premature to stop, because that threshold marks a significant before and after. Something big has been clarified. You are, in a real sense, freed from the trap and the illusion of time. Not completely, but in a big way.
Right.
You see through that, but there is still more to see. And that is why there is still a seeking energy, because you asked where the motivation comes from to keep going.
There's a knowing that I'm not at the end.
What is the end?
That's the thing. I don't know. That's where I get stuck.
The back door of the mind
But that's my point. You have an idea. There is an idea of what you're getting, of where you're going, even if it has been clarified that it's not in time. There is a risk of something slipping in through the back door of the mind. The mind is very good at that. You could realize, "The seeking has been seen through," but then notice, "I am aware there's more." Where is that "more," if it's not tomorrow?
Right. So that's an idea, you're saying.
Yes. That is an aspect of seeking coming in through the back door.
But there is also something else. You might have heard me say that I'm not against seeking. The pointing around seeking that has become popular is very valuable and powerful, but it is like a medicine that needs to be administered at the right moment. It is not an ultimate medicine, because for some people, seeking might be exactly what needs to be encouraged.
One aspect of this is clarity: when something comes in through the back door, to see it, to recognize that there is still an idea of what "it" is. There is still an imagination about what you're trying to get.
That's right.
Healthy seeking as love of truth
But then there is also an intuition that something isn't fully there yet. And that is healthy.
When I talk about inner integrity, I'm talking about what happens when we pretend. "I'm great," or "I'm good with what's happening." There are all levels of this lack of inner integrity. In this work specifically, that is the worst obstacle. If we cannot let ourselves see what is actually happening, what we are actually thinking, feeling, and experiencing, there is very little that can be done.
These are levels. We can always keep uncovering how, at a deeper and more subtle level, we are still in illusion. And the illusion, when you see through it, reveals that there was an intention not to see it. You were lying to yourself, or buying into an illusion in a way that was, at some level, knowing.
So you're saying there's something in my experience I'm choosing not to see?
We are not victims of illusion. We want the illusion. When we are in illusion, we are buying into it, trying to remain there. The problem is that when it starts to fail, when things start to not go well because of the illusion, we are forced to either push harder into it or begin the process of letting it go.
Right. So at this point, if I understand you, you're saying I should...
Feed the seeking, but not in time
The key now is to not try to undermine the seeking. Not to treat it as something you need to detonate through understanding so that it stops. What matters is that seeking, if it is healthy, is a love of truth: a love of seeing what is real.
Now, as you've seen through the illusion of time, you can clarify further and let the seeking go all out on the question: what is this? What is here now? What is the reality of this? What is the reality of "I," not in time? What is the reality of "I," which I know is present, now, always? What is the nature of this?
Feed that seeking. Allow it to continue with a new understanding that you are not going anywhere in time. You will still notice the pull toward the future, but you can bring that back to now and then see what is here. There is still illusion around the nature of this present reality.
Beyond the lack of separation, you're saying there is something more?
There are more subtle levels where something still remains. Call it subtle separation.
That's helpful. So really, just focus on clarifying this experience. What is this, without time, even beyond the lack of separation.
Yes.