When the Solution Seems to Depend on Someone Else
Cuando la solución parece depender de otra persona
A question arises about how to discern when emotional difficulty should be processed on one's own versus shared with a partner, and how to recognize the pattern of depending on another person to resolve what is ultimately an internal trigger.
When the Solution Seems to Depend on Someone Else
A question arises about how to discern when emotional difficulty should be processed on one's own versus shared with a partner, and how to recognize the pattern of depending on another person to resolve what is ultimately an internal trigger.
If I'm in turmoil, I'm mostly in thought. I can be aware of the body for maybe a couple of seconds, and then I just can't feel the body anymore.
Exactly. In those moments, what I'm offering is a tool: notice whether you are more the thought, or that which knows the thought. Are you more the sensation, or that which knows the sensation?
When we are not identified, what you describe is true: the knowing of a sensation and the sensation itself are the same thing. But when we are identified, we are something, and that something is an imagined self. It's a mental construct. It's a narrative of somebody: "All I am is this which was born and will die and is limited to his body."
Right, it's the person inside the body and all the stories that go with that.
And so when that becomes very tight and very much your reality, you look at that which is aware.
When you say "look at that which is aware," I just end up looking at the body, the feelings in the body. Because when you say "look at that which is aware," it's like an idea I'm trying to figure out.
The knowing that is not an idea
There is a knowing right now which is not an idea. For example, the question: are you aware?
Yes.
Where is that answer coming from? Does it require thought, aside from understanding the question and formulating an answer?
No. I mean, I can support it because I'm seeing, I'm awake, I'm hearing the question.
But that's interpreting or assuming that you're aware because you're seeing or hearing, as if seeing and hearing are evidence that you're aware.
If I remove the seeing and the hearing, because it's easier to remove the seeing than the hearing, I know I'm aware of thoughts because I'm having them. But if there's nothing to see or hear...
Just stay with that. Being aware is not something you know because of a thinking process. You could say, "Because I'm aware of thoughts, I know that I'm aware." Let's say that's good enough. But you could also have no thoughts and have sounds and know that you're aware. Whether you know this experientially is the question.
I think that's what I'm trying to say. It's something that people say a lot, but I don't know if I'm experiencing the power of that question.
Just contemplate it. Take from this the suggestion that it's valuable to contemplate, even if it doesn't seem like it. Bring a curiosity to it and explore.
So the question to contemplate is: am I aware?
"Am I aware, and how do I know?" Does it require you to think to know that you're aware? Explore those kinds of questions.
Thank you.
Recognizing the pattern of dependence
I had a question about staying with your own experience, like through the night. How do you discern between "this I need to stay with by myself" and "this I should share"? I'm wondering if I overshare. Most of the time I find sharing valuable too, but I think the pattern you were describing was more like a reaction, like demanding a certain attention or validation from the other person.
For example, if I wanted attention from my partner and went to him and said, "Hey, I want some attention," and he said, "Sure," then there's no problem. So I'm not saying I should never bring something to him. But there were times when I'd be reacting, and he wouldn't be available, or he'd have a boundary, or he wouldn't be in a grounded, untriggered place himself. In those moments it was important to be able to do that on my own.
Also, because of the consciousness work we're engaged in, even when he was there for me, supporting me, grounded and calm, helping me process, which he did many times, I would still want to ask: what is this in me?
The way I came to think of it was: there's a trigger, and it feels as if the trigger is external to me. But if I'm reacting, the trigger is not external; it's internal. When I could go, "Okay, what happened in me? What is that causing in me?" I felt as though who I am expanded to include that trigger. It stopped feeling like something outside and became something I could hold.
I have one small thing to add. Notice if there's an interpretation or narrative running that says, "This is really difficult, it's unbearable, and the solution depends on the other person." The other person needs to behave a certain way, do something, stop doing something, and only then will this be resolved. In certain contexts that may be appropriate. But when you notice it's a pattern, when it's always that the other person needs to be different or change for you to be okay, that's evidence of a trigger. That's when you should stay with what's coming up in yourself.
But that said, I still take into account my partner's preferences. There are certain things that in my understanding are really important to him, maybe something from his past that was very difficult. It's completely understandable that he has a preference around it, and I'm going to take that on to some extent.
What I'm trying to say is: sometimes there are things from somebody's childhood that are so understandable. They would naturally have difficulty around those things in a relationship. Not that they can't be responsible for their own inner experience, they can. But if you had a partner who had been through major traumas, I think there has to be room for that in the relationship. Still, for me it really comes down to looking at yourself: what is this in me?
Sharing versus needing the other to change
That's much clearer now. The thing about noticing a pattern is important, because the tricky part is this: if you notice that you depend on the other person changing for you to be okay, that's significant. But if you don't notice a pattern, you might think, "Well, the other person is being really unempathic, and he's also on a growing spiritual path, so I should let him know."
Here's the distinction. If you share something, if you say, "I think this," and you have a conversation, that's sharing. But if the conflict is about something and the habitual pattern is always that the other person needs to be different, needs to change, needs to do something they're not doing or stop doing something they're doing, and only then will you be able to feel okay, that's evidence of a trigger. That's when you should stay with what's arising in you.
Right. And in the example you gave, where your partner is not as empathic as you'd like them to be, you can definitely let them know you experience them that way. But while they're working on that, you might also find that you make some really great ground dealing with your own stuff.