The Obsessive Nature of the Search
La naturaleza obsesiva de la búsqueda
A student describes the confusion that arises from trying to intellectually grasp their true nature, and the teacher reframes this confusion as a sign of progress, revealing the mind's obsessive and addictive tendencies.
The Obsessive Nature of the Search
A student describes the confusion that arises from trying to intellectually grasp their true nature, and the teacher reframes this confusion as a sign of progress, revealing the mind's obsessive and addictive tendencies.
I just want to say I'm very grateful for your pointing. When I first joined the group, I was very confused about the concept of what I am, my true nature. At that point the confusion was because I had forgotten something. About a year before I joined this group, I got to the point where I couldn't understand this, what this is. There was no way I could understand it, so I stayed away from non-duality for a while and just let life happen on its own.
Then I was drawn to the videos again, and at a certain point I became confused again. That's when I joined this group. Now I'm not confused about what I'm not, or about my true nature, at least intellectually. But I don't feel comfortable listening to the discussions here. The mind just goes straight into confusion. When speakers say, "I don't know this," it puts me into a state of not-knowing, and that's confusing. I struggle with understanding what people are talking about, even what they're saying in plain language.
I think I get a sense of what you're talking about. I might be wrong, but I feel compelled to talk about an aspect of mind that has to do with obsession.
The obsessive nature of mind
The mind is naturally obsessive. Some people can be more specifically characterized as obsessive because of certain patterns, but my perspective is that all minds are obsessive in different ways. Understanding obsession is valuable for everybody, because it allows you to see two aspects: the obsession itself, and the addiction to the obsession.
There is a loop where the obsessive nature is a problem, but it's actually an addiction, because we are wanting to get something from it. It's like trying to satiate thirst from something that isn't water, from something that doesn't have the nature of quenching thirst. There is an illusion that something is going to satisfy this need, and that illusion becomes addiction in many people. Some people could be more specifically described as addicted if they are taking substances, and there are different kinds of addictions: to work, because work creates a hormonal release, and so on. There is an addiction to that release. But the underlying nature is this addiction and obsession.
This is not about you specifically. It's the nature of mind.
From worldly obsession to spiritual obsession
What you're describing relates specifically to this, because as I said earlier, we can move from trying to find something in experiences in the world (money, relationships) to the spiritual work. In a sense, it's almost the same problem. Instead of obsessing about the stock market and how to get more money, I obsess around "Who am I?" Because once I get that, I will be happy.
The more subtle mechanism here is that the obsession attaches itself to a question that has no answer. For example: do I generally want to go left, or do I generally want to go right? I want to know if it's truly left or right so that I can drop the question and just know it's left. There is an aspect of the process of self-inquiry that can trigger or ignite this: trying to get what I am. But what it actually does is bring to the surface the obsessive nature of thought and the addiction to getting something.
We come to a point where we hit a wall. We can't get it. And I think that's what you're describing: an intellectual trying to understand what you are, trying to get it. That's always going to fail. And the more it fails, the more successful you are.
Confusion as a sign of progress
The confusion, the sense of not getting it, the not-knowing, the way it just brings up confusion when you reach a certain point: these are actually signs of success in the process. It's not an ultimate success. It's not an arrival at total realization. But it is a seeing of a different, deeper layer.
The question "What am I?" or "Who am I?" can appear to the mind as something it can get, something it can answer. Zen Buddhism focuses on this intensely, and that's why the koans are so powerful. "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" "What is mu?" You ask the question for an hour every day: "What is mu? What is mu? What is mu?" People have had total awakenings from asking what is mu, which is an absurd question. But it works because it asks a question that has no answer, and it brings up the madness of the mind, the obsessive nature, so it can be seen for what it is.
People say that social media is addictive. To me, that's ridiculous. The human mind is addictive. Social media has simply made the addictive nature of mind more obvious, more visible. The root becomes more apparent, and there are ways to make it visible that are healthy and some that are not. Zen koans and self-inquiry work because they exist in a context where somebody is guiding you, saying: "No, that's not the answer. No, that's not it. Keep asking." It's very common in these circles for somebody to say, "I got it," and then they describe it, and the response is: "No, that's not it." Or: "Yes, but that's partial."
What the confusion is really about
I'm framing this as something successful because you are uncovering the nature of thought. You can see: "Wow, I really want to know. I want to get it. And the confusion is so uncomfortable." Often what it's about is sensations in the body that have to do with discomfort, with the wanting to know, because "if I know, then I won't feel this." The circular thinking helps numb, helps us not feel, helps us stay distracted. That's why, if we asked a question that had an answer, it would be a terrible question, because it wouldn't help us numb constantly.
If the question is "What is one plus one?", the answer is two. Done. And then: "What am I feeling? This is uncomfortable." But if the question is "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?", then I can keep asking and going in circles, thinking and thinking and thinking, until I reach a point where I realize I'm not getting anywhere. This is uncomfortable. I'm confused.
That's a successful place, and there's more. Now you can look at the nature of thought, the obsessive nature, the addictive nature, how it is for you so tempting to go into thought after thought after thought. What is that helping with? What are the sensations? What are the feelings? What is happening in the body? What's happening simultaneously, right here?
There is a turning point that I feel I was lucky to just hit. I feel so calm now. When this sensation arises, I actually feel peace in my experience. It's less like fighting with experience and what's coming up. It's more like settling with the idea that I don't know. I still call it an idea, but I am happy with the idea of "I don't know."
Yes, you're in contact with this. That's wonderful.
It's very helpful talking to you. It clears up a lot. Thank you so much.
You're very welcome.