Dropping the Search and Meeting the Pain
Soltar la búsqueda y encontrarse con el dolor
A series of exchanges exploring the pull toward strategies, the identity of victimhood, the role of distraction, and why the shortest path to awakening runs through what we most want and most fear.
Dropping the Search and Meeting the Pain
A series of exchanges exploring the pull toward strategies, the identity of victimhood, the role of distraction, and why the shortest path to awakening runs through what we most want and most fear.
Maybe just a last question: do you think focusing in this area is good? My intuition says it's good to keep my attention there, in this physical region.
I wouldn't say that. No. Just be playful. Be like a child. Stay connected to that openness, vulnerability, innocence. The focus on an area is already a little too much of a strategy. It doesn't mean don't connect and pay attention to that, just don't have a direction like that.
That makes sense. I think because it's a strong sensation, normally I'll give my attention to wherever there's a strong sensation in the body.
Yes, but that could be creating the strong sensation: the attention loop. Just notice that. Notice the temptation to have a strategy. It's back to some form of knowing.
That's so true. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
There's something I want to talk out. I feel like I'm getting dangerously close to stopping the search. The way I'm approaching that is to just prioritize peace, because my life has felt really frustrating: trying all these different spiritual pointings and wondering why reality isn't reflecting that back to me in the way I think it should. What I've identified recently is that there's a part of me that wants to stay a victim. I find a safety in that narrative. It's been getting louder now that I'm really reflecting on it: just let go, prioritize peace, stop, you have everything you need, you've listened to enough nonduality, you understand the concepts. And yet there's still something in my mind that says I'm missing something, I'm not getting it. That's the frustration. It's very nonlinear, but if you had anything to say about this connection between calling off the search and this part of me that wants to remain a victim, does that make sense?
Calling off the search
Yes. What do you mean by calling off the search? That's the only part I'm not sure about.
Prioritizing peace is how I'm framing it.
But how could you still say you will focus on discovering peace when you say "prioritizing peace"?
I guess the step even beyond that is embodying my human self and accepting. And hoping to find peace in that.
Well, then you have a very big expectation, as though you already know what peace is and how you will find it.
From an emotional standpoint, I mean: notice when I'm rushing, notice when I'm trying to get somewhere, notice when I'm becoming frustrated. Even at the very subtle levels, like when I'm walking too fast. Just slow down, try to prioritize peace and be in the moment, and discover my true expression through that.
What do you mean by finding your "true expression"?
It's just being now. Not trying to get somewhere. Accepting the challenges I'm facing and not thinking there's something wrong with me because life feels really frustrating.
So are you saying that you're hoping to just be where you are and find peace in things being difficult? Is that what you're saying?
Yeah. Not thinking I need to read another nonduality book or meditate for longer or do some extreme thing.
Dropping the fight, not the seeking
So for you, to drop the search is to stop trying to fight and avoid the situation that's really difficult now. And if you can just be there where you are and be at peace there, it will be better. Is that what you're saying?
I think that's the right direction. You've said a couple of things that are really important, so I want to mirror them back to you. You said a few times, "the part of me that wants to remain a victim." That's a really big deal to see.
It's a whole identity, but it's not just identity in a vacuum. We don't simply have an identity we need to undo. There's a reason, a pretty valid motive, for why we go there, for why we've done that. It's because of the pain. We haven't been able to be with it, manage it, handle it. Pain is a very intense experience, especially for a young child. The amount of pain can be so vast, so scary.
The position of victim, which is a form of identity, is a way to manage that. It's a way to make it easier. It's just not a permanent solution. It's a way to cope until we can get to a point where we can address it more directly, which is what I think you're describing. You're dropping the search, and by that you mean to stop trying to get somewhere through a spiritual practice that takes you out of what's happening now, and just deal with what's happening now: you're in pain, you're frustrated, and things aren't going well according to what you thought they should be. Am I reading you right?
Yeah.
The breakthrough out of strategy
That's a really good thing. That's a breakthrough. It's the breakthrough out of the mind's strategies for avoiding what's here, which is a sensation of pain, frustration, and life challenges. But at the core of it, it's frustrating and there's pain.
And then to see that you've been attached to a way of seeing yourself through that pain, which puts you in the position of a victim: that is a very powerful mechanism for managing pain. It's extremely powerful. It's like heroin-level powerful.
It's funny: when you started talking, the word "rehab" came up for me, seemingly at random. I thought, how is this related? Now it's connecting. You're in withdrawal from an attachment and addiction to a way of coping that has brought you this far. And now you're, in a sense, in rehab. These are just words to frame it. Don't take it too literally. It's a reflection, in a sense validating the process you're in, what you're doing.
This is the way through, because all of the nonduality promises of peace are not realized except through the pain. Whoever has reached a true, profound realization without going through the pain, I've never heard of them. I'm sure there are some beautifully karmic beings who have had that experience. I'm sure it's possible. It's not what I know, and it's not what I know of anyone I've encountered or read about.
It's through the pain. It's in fact by meeting the pain so directly that everything becomes okay, because all of the suffering was the attempt to avoid that pain.
It's so interesting, because I've been going headfirst into all this spiritual stuff, personal development, and obviously pain is hard, but I felt I could take it. "Give it to me, I want to just get this over with and face it." But it wasn't until I actually started flirting with the idea of stopping the search that this other program appeared, so subtle I hadn't noticed it before.
The evolution of seeking
Yes, but you're walking the path. You're following the proper map of awakening. This is how it goes: we first hear of it and think, "Great, I want that. Enlightenment, peace, amazing. That's me, that's what I want." And then, "How am I going to get that? Following this, reading that, tomorrow I will get it."
Right, all these strategies for how to get to "now" tomorrow.
Exactly. A friend of yours put it well: she's sick of the teachers who teach you how to get to now tomorrow.
So yes, what's happening now is painful. It's difficult. It's shitty. And now you shift. The seeking evolves. It's the understanding of what you're looking for that shifts. You could say you dropped the search, but you basically dropped trying to find something tomorrow, something other than what is happening now. Which is what I keep pointing to: it's really what is happening now. It's here. You can seek as hard as you want, but seek now, in what is here. In a sense, you can also say "drop the seeking," and it means the same thing.
From victimhood to responsibility
And that position of victim: it has brought you this far, but it's too small of a dress. You've outgrown it. What's next is responsibility, because that's the opposite of victimhood. There is an end to responsibility, in a sense, because when we take responsibility to the end, we meet God. But we don't meet God through victimhood. We come to a point where we can step into responsibility. That's the correct sequence: we survive in victimhood until we become responsible. These are all valid vehicles, valid mechanisms. There's no shame in that.
Yeah, that's good. I can do that. I can do the responsibility. It's just that the victim identity feels like such a coping mechanism. It's such a safety. Like, "Oh, that's just me. That's just my life."
You are the creator of it.
Yeah. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Lately I've been falling into lots of different distractions, things that take me out of the moment. I think it's probably some kind of defense mechanism helping me not deal with things I want to confront. How can I deal with distractions in a way that is also mindful? Sometimes a switch flips, and when I'm distracting myself I don't want to be mindful at all. I just want to be completely sunk into whatever is going on.
Can you give me a very simple, small example?
For example, watching a movie, something that's built for taking you out of the moment. I want to know how I can be with that without using it as an escape, and how I can have self-compassion while I'm doing it, because I know I'm using it as a way to get away from the moment. I get the sense that I'm not using it as a reward. I'm using it to avoid things.
What are you avoiding?
Two questions. One: what are you avoiding? What are you not dealing with?
I think it's time management. Something in me resists taking responsibility for my time. I want to use my time in ways that are productive and that will make me feel better afterward, but…
I understand. I'm asking questions that might seem obvious, but you have a conceptual framework, a belief, that it is possible to not be in the moment. That's an interpretation. It's a belief system that can look at an experience and judge it as you not being in the moment.
Yes. I'm cursed with severe self-awareness.
And probably not feeling good about it, and self-judgment, and telling yourself you should be doing something else. There's a whole drama around that, probably.
You said, for example, that watching a movie takes you out of the moment. I don't know where a movie happens if it's not in the moment. I've never seen a movie tomorrow or yesterday. Now, when you say it takes you out of the moment, if by that you mean it's helping you not do something else you'd prefer to be doing, is that more what you're referring to?
Yeah. But my question is, how can I relate to the moment in a more compassionate way? How can I not be so hard on myself?
Connecting with what you really want
I think you're creating a whole context there. What matters has to do with what you really want and with values. What often happens is that if we misunderstand what is valuable, we will end up doing something that isn't the best thing. But doing the right thing doesn't come from forcing, for example, not watching a movie when you want to be doing something else. All of that comes naturally when you understand and are connected with what you want, and you understand what's valuable and meaningful. Because sometimes watching a movie is valuable and meaningful. But if there's something you'd rather be doing that you're not doing, then we can address that.
If you're trying to be able to watch a movie, not do what you want to do, and feel good about it, I'm not here for that. You're asking for something impossible.
Around the self-compassion: I don't think that's what you need, because the lack of compassion, that self-criticism, is a symptom of something else. To try to address it with compassion is not getting at the root of what's happening.
You could be doing that and feeling bad about yourself all day, and if that's what you're choosing to do, go for it, because it is what you're choosing. What's at the root has more to do with getting a deeper understanding of what you want for yourself, and then finding where the meaning and the value are. We lose our way here because often there are sensations that are uncomfortable. To do what we really want brings uncomfortable sensations, so we avoid them by telling ourselves a story, and we do something else. Then a whole conflict arises, but the conflict actually appears because we are telling ourselves something that's not true, so that we don't feel sensations we don't want to feel.
So in a way, I'm coming at it from a very defensive position, trying to defend these parts of me that don't want to confront the world.
Yes. And there's almost a resignation in it, as if you can't imagine that you could just undo the whole thing, do what you want to do, and not have to struggle with the consequences of not doing it. That's why I was asking: what is the alternative? What would you rather be doing? Because if there's something more valuable and meaningful than watching a movie, why aren't you doing that? If you look, you'll probably notice some discomfort, some typical sensations. And then you can work with that, and we can talk about that. But if there isn't anything else that's more compelling, that's a whole other thing, which has to do with finding the creativity and the love for something you want to do, the joy of being alive. Which sometimes is watching a movie.
The inner critic is not unique to you
In my case, I have a very strong critic, a victim role, that comes out when I do these things. It puts down the possibility of beauty and takes that out of focus.
The experience of the inner critic you're describing is not unique to you. It's not a special aspect of who you are. You said the inner critic and victim. It's not you. If I turn on a fire and put my hand on it, it burns. If I keep doing that and I say, "Well, I have this thing where my hand burns," anybody who does that will have the same thing. So it's more about looking at why you're doing that. It's not something special to you. It's just that you're choosing it. We can look at what other choices are available, what other life experiences are available that you are avoiding.
If you're bringing the inner critic and the victim identity for us to resolve, I would just say: stop. If you don't want that, don't do it. Because that really is the truth. We have that power. It literally is like turning a fire on, putting your hand on it, and then saying, "Hey, my hand burns, can you help?" I will just say: take it out of the fire.
I guess I was referring to times when I feel very out of control, taken into this wave of distractions.
I understand. The wave of distractions speaks to: distractions from what? What is the thing you want to be doing instead, if anything? Because if distraction is a distraction from something, from what are you distracting yourself?
In my case, it would be like going to get a job, or studying, getting out, just being more active.
Now, do you want to go get a job? Because you're not going to go get a job if you don't really want to.
I know that at this point in my life it's the most practical thing to do, but it's not so much coming from a place where I want to do it.
Desire must be real
That's the problem. You can't talk yourself into that. If you don't really want to get a job, you're not going to get a job. The body does not walk without the desire to walk. It does not eat without hunger.
I don't have any desire to do it, and that's why I'm avoiding it.
Yes, and you might be telling yourself that you should, that it's the most reasonable, rational, practical thing. But if you don't really want to do it, you're going to watch television all day. What's important is for you to actually connect with and take very seriously what you really want. That might turn out to be getting a job, after all, once you look.
I think my work is to inquire more about what I really want.
Yes, because unless you connect with what you really want, you're going to be lost. And the most likely thing is that what you want the most is what scares you the most, and that's why you're not seeing it.
Yeah.
The mind as a tool of avoidance
That's why you can find yourself confused around what you want. Your mind seems crazy and complicated around the whole question. That's often a sign that it's right in front of you, and you're terrified, and you don't want to see it.
So my mind becomes unreasonable with it.
You use your mind so that it looks unreasonable, so that you don't see what's right in front of you. The mind takes no credit for it. The mind is just going to do what you're asking it to do. It's a tool.
That makes a lot of sense. I guess I've been holding back on the work of inquiring more. I haven't been taking it seriously. I've been trying to approach it with more of an empty-mind stance, but I see now that there's more effort needed in the sense that I need to inquire more deeply.
Yes, because trying to empty the mind when you should be using it to imagine what you want is an avoidance. The mind is a beautiful tool. It can be used to imagine infinite possibilities which could then be created. To try to empty it can be an avoidance of life.
It's really that balance of having no attachment to things, but also taking very seriously what direction you want to take and really outlining the specifics.
Non-attachment is a consequence, not a starting point
The non-attachment teaching doesn't work the way you might think. It's not that I go to life and begin with non-attachment. Non-attachment is a consequence of living through attachment. I first need to let life happen, all of what I'm trying to avoid. For example, if I buy a house, I am now at risk of losing it. And then, once I have bought the house, I can really work on the attachment to it. But I can't begin with non-attachment. The house is a metaphor for anything in life.
Non-attachment comes through deep living, through going fully into life, living everything you've wanted and desired. You don't enter life with non-attachment. In Buddhism they say: let go of the attachment to the outcome of your actions. It doesn't say don't act so that you're not attached. It's basically saying: go after what you want, create what you want to create, and then let go of the attachment to it.
So first you need to be so attached that you're on your knees, afraid to lose it. And then you can become non-attached. Because otherwise it's not true non-attachment. The minute they put the gold in front of you, you're salivating. That's not non-attachment.
I guess that's what scares me most: that I have to take it so seriously, that I have to be so invested in the thing.
You don't have to. You just have to discover how invested you already are. You could buy a house and not care about it. It burns down. Oops. But then you plant a tree, and a goat comes and tries to chew it, and you're devastated: "My tree!" I don't know what your attachment is, but go after it. If you're afraid of being attached, you're avoiding life, you're avoiding the experience, you're avoiding even the possibility of knowing non-attachment, which comes after you're attached. It's a transcendence of attachment. It's not an avoidance of attachment.
I guess this is the area I'm stuck in, or insecure about. I just don't know.
Tolerance comes through action
I'll tell you what I think is going on. You probably love a lot of things. You have a lot of desires. You are overwhelmed by it. It's terrifying. You don't want to have the pain of what it is to live all of that. All of what I've just said, I relate to and completely understand.
I do relate. It's just the tolerance for the pain that comes with it. That's the struggle.
I understand. It is very understandable. The tolerance: you don't have to create it or do anything about it. It's like going to the gym every day. Your muscles will get stronger. That's the tolerance. If you face life, if you go after what you want, you will naturally encounter pains (I guarantee it), and you will gain tolerance as a consequence.
The experience of not having a tolerance for it is the avoidance of it. If I don't go to the gym, I will have no tolerance for lifting weights. And I can't sit at home trying to figure out how to face the lifting of weights, trying to develop tolerance from my couch.
And even at the gym, I don't have to develop the tolerance. I just have to do the actions, do the movements. The tolerance happens. The body-mind does its thing. If I do things that bring me to experiences of risk, uncertainty, pain, discomfort, and fear, but it's what I love and I'm following my heart, doing what I want, all of that is going to bring a development of tolerance, of courage, of openness.
But the caveat is: doing what I really want, which is always an exploration. There is no ultimate truth to it. But I can see, while I've been doing this, "I don't really want that. I'm avoiding that." Okay, I go this way. This is what I really want. And we're constantly in movement. That's the shortest path to awakening.
Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you so much.
You're welcome. Thank you, everyone.