When It's Your Problem and When It Isn't
Cuándo es tu problema y cuándo no lo es
A question about wanting to offer deeper feedback to a colleague who seems stuck, and how to distinguish between what is your responsibility and what is not.
When It's Your Problem and When It Isn't
A question about wanting to offer deeper feedback to a colleague who seems stuck, and how to distinguish between what is your responsibility and what is not.
I'm facing a situation at work. I have a researcher on my team, and I feel I'd like to give them more feedback about where I see them stuck, or where they could be doing so much better. The reason I keep running into difficulty is that this person seems to have no interest in learning, no curiosity about how to improve. They seem very contracted, hiding a lot. So my question is: have you ever felt you have something to give someone, like feedback or encouragement or a push, without being asked for it?
All the time.
And would you offer it? I can always frame it in the work context, but what I truly feel is that this person's stuckness goes way beyond work. It has to do with responsibility, risk, and showing up. And I can see how I'm afraid of going there too.
You're saying you're bringing this up because it's like a mirror for you, reflecting something about your own process?
Maybe. I was really moved by the previous exchange, the beauty of that longing, that desire, that hard call when something inside brings us out and brings up emotion. In this situation with my colleague, I don't feel any of that, not even in the professional realm of "how do I do better, what is here for me to learn?" And yet I see a lot.
Clarifying the question
I'm getting a bit confused, because you're talking about yourself but also about this other person at work. Who are you referring to?
This is about me providing feedback to someone who reports to me, without them asking for it. I just don't know how to address it when it's not about a particular project. It's not "you didn't do this." I do that all the time. It's more attitudinal: this person needs a push to come out of something, to take more responsibility, to stop hiding.
Is this person reporting to you?
Yes.
So this is a work question about how you can be a better professional.
I think so, but what has me puzzled is that the feedback isn't just about specific tasks. I can frame it in the context of "when you do this task, you could do it better," and I do that all the time. But it seems to be something deeper with this person. That's why I'm confused.
Sorting out whose problem it is
If it's about this person, then it's not your problem unless it's a work problem. It's only your problem insofar as it concerns how you become a better boss. And then it's a professional problem, and that's all it is. But if it's something related to you beyond how to be better at your job, that's different.
I suppose it does have to do with my role. It's really fascinating how being in this position is all about how to be a better boss, but being a better boss has everything to do with my inner world too.
Of course.
What I'm trying to ask is: what does it mean when you see something in somebody else that goes beyond their work performance, something in their being? And what do you do with whatever that brings up in you? Do you keep it to yourself, or do you go down that road with that person?
That's why I asked whether this person is reflecting something back to you, whether you see yourself mirrored in them. If so, then we can talk about that here.
If it's about how to be a better boss, we can talk about it, but maybe this isn't the best context for that conversation.
And if what you're pointing to is something outside the work situation for this person, something in their personal life, then that's really not your problem.
The part that has to do with work, however, is your responsibility. It's not about you "nudging." It's your job. If this person is stuck at work, they don't need to ask you for help. It's already implied that you have the freedom, and the obligation, to push them.
But if it's about something outside of work, something in their life, then it's not your business. The question then becomes: does it mirror something about you, about your life? And that is something we can talk about here.
I see. That helps. Then it is about work.
If it's about work, that's great. I think we can talk about it, but maybe in a different context. It's your job to lead that person, to help them become unstuck to some degree. The whole conversation of how to be a better leader is really important, but it's a conversation around work and leadership.
That makes sense. Thank you. The earlier exchange was really beautiful, by the way. I was very moved. Whenever we strive to get out of ourselves, it's just so beautiful.
You're welcome.