When the Search Becomes Another Escape
Cuando la búsqueda se convierte en otra huida
A student explores the impulse to stop seeking and simply be with difficulty, and the teacher reflects back the significance of recognizing a victim identity as a coping mechanism for pain.
When the Search Becomes Another Escape
A student explores the impulse to stop seeking and simply be with difficulty, and the teacher reflects back the significance of recognizing a victim identity as a coping mechanism for pain.
There's something I want to talk out. I feel like I'm getting dangerously close to stopping the search. The way I feel drawn to approach that is to just prioritize peace, because my life has felt really frustrating. I've been trying all these different spiritual pointings and wondering why reality isn't reflecting that back to me in the way I think it should.
What I've identified recently is that there's a part of me that wants to stay a victim. I think I find a safety in that narrative. It's been getting louder and more apparent now that I'm really reflecting on it. The inner voice says: just let go, just prioritize peace, stop, you have everything you need, you've listened to enough nonduality, you understand the concepts. And yet there's still something in my mind that says I'm missing something, that I'm not getting it. That's the frustration. It's very nonlinear, but if you had anything to say about the connection between calling off the search and this part of me that wants to remain a victim, I'd appreciate it. Does that make sense?
Yes. What do you mean by calling off the search? That's the only part I'm not sure about.
Prioritizing peace is how I'm thinking of it.
But how can you still call that "calling off the search"? If you say you will focus on discovering peace, that sounds like you're still searching.
I guess the step beyond that is just embodying my human self and accepting. And hoping to find peace in that.
Well, then you have a very big expectation. You already know what peace is and how you will find it.
I guess from an emotional standpoint, it means noticing when I'm rushing, noticing when I'm trying to get somewhere, noticing when I'm becoming frustrated. Even at very subtle levels, like when I'm walking too fast. Just slowing down, trying to prioritize peace, being in the moment, and discovering my true expression through that.
I'm asking questions because you use expressions I'm not sure I understand. When you say "find your human expression," what do you mean by that?
It's just being now. Not trying to get somewhere. Accepting the challenges I'm facing and not thinking there's something wrong with me because I'm facing challenges, or because life feels really frustrating.
Accepting where you are
So are you saying you're hoping to just be where you are and find peace in things being difficult? Is that what you're saying?
Yes. Not thinking that I need to read another nonduality book, or meditate for longer, or do some extreme thing.
So for you, dropping the search means to stop trying to fight and avoid the situation that's really difficult right now. And if you can just be there where you are and be at peace there, it will be better. Is that what you're saying?
Yes.
I think that's the right direction.
The victim identity as a coping mechanism
You've said a couple of things that are really important, and I want to mirror them back to you. When you said, a few times, "the part of me that wants to remain a victim," that's a really big deal to see. That's a whole identity. But it's not identity in a vacuum. We don't just have an identity that we need to undo. There's a reason, a pretty valid motive, for why we go there, why we've done that. It's because of the pain.
We haven't been able to be with and manage and handle the pain. Pain is a very intense experience. It's even more intense for a young child than for an adult. The amount of pain can be so vast, so scary. And so the position of a victim, which is a form of identity, is a way to manage that. It's a way to make it easier. It's just not a permanent solution. It's a way to cope until we can get to a point where we can address it more directly.
I think that's what you're describing. You're dropping the search, and by that you mean stopping the attempt to get somewhere through a spiritual practice that takes you out of what's happening now, and just dealing with what's happening now: you're in pain, you're frustrated, and things aren't going the way you thought they should or would. Is that what I'm reading?
Yes.
That's a really good thing.