When You See Something in Someone Else
Cuando ves algo en otra persona
A question about wanting to give unsolicited feedback to someone who seems stuck, and the difficulty of discerning genuine insight from projection.
When You See Something in Someone Else
A question about wanting to give unsolicited feedback to someone who seems stuck, and the difficulty of discerning genuine insight from projection.
I have one of the researchers on my team, and I feel like I would like to give them more feedback about why I see them as stuck, or not doing a great job, or not reaching their potential. The reason this keeps coming up is that I keep realizing this person also has no interest in learning: "How can I be better? How do I improve?" They seem very contracted, hiding a lot. So my question is: in the world, in that kind of situation, have you ever felt like you have something to give to someone, like feedback or encouragement or a push, without being asked for it?
All the time.
And would you offer it? I can always frame it in the work context, but what I truly feel this person is stuck on goes way beyond work. It has to do with responsibility, risk, and showing up. And I can see how, in myself, I'm afraid of going there too.
Are you bringing this up because it's like a mirror for you about your own process?
Maybe. I got really moved by the earlier exchange, and I thought, how beautiful, this longing, this desire, this hard call, when there is an inner something that brings us out and brings emotion. But in this particular situation I don't feel anything like that in this person, not even in the professional realm of "How do I do better? What is here for me to learn?" And yet I see a lot.
I'm getting a bit confused, because you're talking about yourself but also about a person at work. Who are you referring to?
This is about me providing feedback to one of the people who reports to me, without them asking for it.
I see. You're challenged because you'd like to give feedback and you're not sure whether you should?
It's not about a particular project. I do that all the time: "You didn't do this, you could improve that." It's more attitudinal. This person needs a push for coming out of something that seems stuck: more responsibility, less hiding.
Separating what's yours from what's theirs
Is this person reporting to you? So this is a work question about how you can be a better professional.
I think so, but what has me puzzled is that the feedback isn't necessarily something I can frame in terms of "when you do X task, you could do this better." I do that all the time. But it seems to be something deeper with this person. That's why I'm confused.
If it's about this person, then it's not your problem unless it's a work problem. It's only your problem if it's about how you become a better boss. And then it's a work problem, a professional problem, and that's all it is. But if it's something related to you, other than "how can I be better at my job," that's different.
I suppose it does have to do with work, because I feel this calling. Now I'm in this role, and it's really fascinating how being a better boss has everything to do with my inner world too.
Of course.
What I'm really asking is: what does it mean when you see something in somebody else that goes beyond their work performance, something in their being? And what do you do with whatever that brings up in you? Do you keep it to yourself, or do you go down that road with that person?
That's why I asked whether this person is reflecting something back to you, whether you see yourself mirrored. If so, we can talk about that.
If it's about how to be a better boss, we can talk about it, but maybe this isn't the best context. And if you're saying it's not about being a boss because it has to do with something outside of work for this person, then that's really not your problem.
In fact, the part that does have to do with work is your responsibility. It's not about nudging. If this person is stuck in their work, they don't need to ask you. It's your job to address that. You already have the freedom to do so.
But if it's about something outside of work, something in their life, then it's not your business. That's where it comes back to: does it mirror something about you, about your life? And then that's something we can talk about here.
I see. That helps. Then it's about work.
If it's about work, that's great. I think we can talk about it, but maybe in a different context. The whole conversation of how to be a better leader is really important, but it's a conversation around work and leadership. And yes, it is part of your job to lead that person to become unstuck, to some degree.
Something that's been coming up with friends. Certain friends seem to show interest in awakening sometimes. They see me, they know I meditate and all that. But there feels like a fine line between giving them advice and not, between when it's good for them and when it isn't. I found myself being a bit direct once, and it just felt wrong afterwards. So I'm trying to sense when someone is truly interested, how much is good to share, and when to hold back. I've also noticed that even when people aren't interested, I can be a bit pushy, just because I feel like this is an amazing thing and I want everyone to get in touch with it. I'm trying to find that balance.
We see less than we think
You're not asking a specific question, but I think I understand the dilemma you're sharing, and I can say a few things.
One important factor is to simply assume that we don't see as much as we think in others, that we often get ahead of ourselves. We are too fast to assume we understand where somebody is, what they need, what their problem is. And it's most likely some form of projection.
I would say: hold on to that assumption pretty much always, until things are really extreme, where the difference is so vast and the clarity is genuinely unmistakable.
Ask permission, and suspect your own clarity
That said, another rule of thumb: if it's something that could challenge another person, and you have to be very broad about what "challenging" means, because something that for you is a beautiful thing could be deeply challenging for someone else. Understand that this work goes against what most people want, in some form. There's a lot of resistance, a lot of attachment to beliefs and to realities that are of the mind. People will resist.
So there's an art to it, but: ask. In some form, ask for permission before saying what you have to say.
Now, if they ask you first, then the first rule is the one that matters: assume you likely don't see things fully. And in fact, the more you think you see it clearly, the more you should be suspicious of that clarity.
I can share an example. Many years ago I was working with a teacher, and people who were interested in that work would come to me. I was basically directing them to work with this teacher: "You're interested in this; this is where you can find it." But I always came from the position of "I really don't know. If you want, this is where I recommend for you to go."
I've also seen a lot of people who get into this work, good things happen, and then it's very easy to become an evangelist. That's not actually very helpful or good. But if people ask, then you can offer resources and you can speak your truth.
I think once I was asked and what I said was too blunt. I think it put them off.
That's the art of how you respond. For me, it was very much about referring people to somebody else: "Here are some books, here are some teachers, this has been helpful for me." And then, in the moment-to-moment, if there's somebody you're close to, you might have something to share that can be very impactful as you deepen in your own work.
But the first rule of thumb is: just assume that we appear to have more clarity than we actually do. There's a big temptation to know, to see, to help somebody else. And a lot of that is often projection. That's the meaning of the saying from Jesus about focusing on the log in your own eye before you try to clear the splinter from somebody else's. It really is like that. Often we have a log in our eye and we see it in the other person's.
How do you tell intuition from projection?
I feel like my intuition grows along this road. But discerning between genuine intuition and projection onto other people seems tricky sometimes.
It should always be tricky, because the minute we think we know what intuition is, we are in a belief system. Any sense of "this is my intuition, and my intuition says this and that," well, what's the difference between that and a belief system? What's the difference between that and the mind, and us buying into some conditioning?
If you know what intuition is, it's not. You will never know if you're actually operating from wisdom. You will be completely not-knowing. So the minute there is some form of knowing that can be put into words, that becomes "what intuition is" or "what truth is," then it's likely not that.
I think there's more like a total spontaneity.
Spontaneity raises the same problem. What's the difference between spontaneity and reactivity? How do you tell the difference? How can you know the difference? It requires a lot of subtlety and a lot of clear seeing to distinguish, because the mind is going to wrap a conditioning or a reactivity into a very honorable cause: intuition, truth, helpfulness. And that needs to be seen through clearly.
None of what I'm saying is directed at you specifically. I'm speaking very generally to the kind of situation you brought up.
Thank you.