The Heart Does Not Need to Be Protected
El corazón no necesita ser protegido
A question about the fear that arises in social situations, particularly with men, and how to remain energetically open while still honoring one's authentic boundaries.
The Heart Does Not Need to Be Protected
A question about the fear that arises in social situations, particularly with men, and how to remain energetically open while still honoring one's authentic boundaries.
I've been noticing something very alive in me lately. I have this strong desire to open up, to keep opening, to connect and experience intimacy. But at the same time, I'm seeing something I hadn't seen so clearly before. When I went dancing on Wednesday, it became very concrete, as if I could see something in myself for the first time.
I have this openness to movement, to being present, but when it comes to navigating what actually is, I realize I only seem to know the extremes: I'm shut off, or I'm open. And I'm not even sure that what I call "open" is really open. So it becomes: where do I even start?
What I can see very quickly is that I have a lot of fear, many fear triggers. It happens so fast. I know how to relate to fear when I have space to be with it, but in a social situation like dancing, it's different. I'm dancing, I turn around, I smile, someone approaches me, and immediately it's, "No, that's not what I meant." It happens very, very fast. And that reaction is also coming from past experience. It carries a lot of images of what could happen.
I was speaking with a friend about this, and she shared something you once told her that really struck me. She described how she felt like her face was smiling but her energy was completely saying, "Don't come so close," especially with men. And apparently you told her to flip it around: keep your energy open, and let what you present on the surface be more neutral or more honest. I loved that idea. How does that work?
I have some memory of that conversation, though I don't remember it precisely. But I can speak to it from what's coming up now.
The real reversal: open energy, honest expression
My sense of what I was probably pointing to is this: usually, in a situation where something doesn't feel right in some form of relationship, what happens is an energetic closing. There's an internal guardedness that is trying to protect something that doesn't need to be protected. That closing is unnecessary.
But that's different from what you're presenting on the surface. If you're smiling at men on a dance floor but you don't actually want closeness, you're presenting something that doesn't match what you want. They come toward you, and then you're energetically closed.
The reverse would be: the energetic openness remains, even if someone approaches you and you don't want them to. That openness can still be there, because at that deeper energetic level, nothing needs to be guarded. But then what you actually manifest or express can be more aligned with what you truly want in that interaction. You move away, or you say, "I'm in my own space right now." The smile becomes more neutral, or it expresses something authentic. In that sense, the notion of a boundary becomes almost irrelevant, because you're simply doing what you want, saying what you want, expressing authentically. No boundary needs to be drawn. No energetic needs to be closed. You're just doing what you want.
Energetic openness does not mean you say yes to anything. You're simply open to what is happening. You're open to what is. And the guarding you've been doing is a guarding of something that doesn't need to be guarded.
That's so beautiful, because in so many other circumstances I can totally see what you're saying. It's obvious. But then I'm on the dance floor and none of that appears. It's just pure reaction.
I think what's really alive for me is that this fear isn't about something I don't want. There's both an excitement and a complete not-knowing. I do want the openness. I felt myself beautifully open dancing alone in my own space. I was having a blast. But then the contrast of those interactions, especially with men, was so stark. And what you say about nothing needing to be guarded feels like an important reminder in this new arena that's appearing for me.
What the heart needs vs. what the body needs
I want to clarify something. I didn't say nothing needs to be protected. What I said is that what the energetic closing is trying to protect does not need to be protected. But the body does need to be protected.
Yes. That's a good clarification. It's very nuanced.
The heart does not need to be protected. The body does.
In that situation, if men are approaching you and you have a strong sense that your body is not at risk, that they're not coming with danger at that level, but you're afraid of the intimacy, then the energetic closing isn't necessary. You can respond to whatever level of engagement or intimacy you actually want, without the need to be guarded energetically. And if there is an approach that doesn't feel safe at the level of your body, your person, you can respond with a clear "no," with whatever is necessary. But at the heart's energetic level, there is no need to close, no need for protection.
Do you have any guidance on things to try?
What I've been describing is the practice itself. If you're at a dance, and you evaluate that it's a safe enough place, that the men approaching you are safe enough and there isn't a danger to your body or your person, then you don't need to guard your heart. You always read moment by moment: how someone approaches, what their energy is. As a woman, you do need to stay attuned to men who may have bad intentions. That's simply how it is. But you do need to distinguish between that necessary attunement and the habitual guarding of your heart. Stay attuned to intentions that are not what you want, but let the heart remain open.
Where the confusion began
Something really intense is moving in me right now. I mentioned this in a message I sent you before, and I'm only bringing it up because it's so present. I can connect to why the guarding of both body and heart happened in the past, where it started. What's coming up right now is this sense that if something wrong were to happen, it would be my fault, that I let it happen.
Yes. You're opening up a place where there's a lot of pain and a lot of confusion, because a young mind interprets a situation in certain ways. This is very natural given the situations you were in as a child. All of this is exactly what would be happening because of that. The confusion is around what is your doing, what is your responsibility, what you can do, what you cannot, what to guard, what you cannot guard.
Exactly. It's not only, "What is my responsibility toward myself and what I want to allow or not allow?" It's also, "What is my responsibility toward what I'm inviting from the other, or in the other?" It gets very confusing, and I think that's where the pattern comes from.
Yes. It becomes an overload. "I don't know what to do, so just in case, I'll shut down." And that shutting down was necessary. Even at the heart level it was necessary. What I'm saying about the heart not needing protection, that's true after a certain age. A child's heart is not ready to be open to everything. That closing was a needed protection, to preserve the innocence, to preserve the lovingness, to preserve the sweetness. And you did that really well. Very successfully.
It was a miracle that I protected anything.
You did. And as someone once said: always plan for a miracle. You had a good plan there.
What survived
This isn't the first time I've been aware of this, but it's just so alive right now. What's really beautiful is that sitting with it from here feels like a celebration. Something did get protected, and it's time to let it free now. It survived.
Your heart, your sweetness, your innocence, your openness, your vulnerability: all of that is alive and well. And that was a miracle. As you deepen in intimacy with this, the unnecessary confusion around your relationship with men will become clearer, and many of the coping ideas you've carried will simply become unnecessary.
Thank you.
You're welcome.