A question about the fear that arises in social situations when openness feels threatening, and how to distinguish between energetic guardedness and authentic expression.
A question about the fear that arises in social situations when openness feels threatening, and how to distinguish between energetic guardedness and authentic expression.
I have a lot of things in motion after this morning's listening, sharing, and meditation. But one thing I'm really curious about has to do with what I'm learning to see in myself lately.
I have this strong desire to open up, to keep opening, to connect, to move toward intimacy, like you were discussing in the previous exchange. But at the same time, I'm seeing something very clearly. The experience I had when I went dancing on Wednesday was so concrete, as if I could see something in myself for the first time.
I have this openness to the movement and to being there. But when it comes to navigating what actually is, specifically: what does it mean to open up without this preconceived idea of "I'm shut off" or "I'm open"? Because I seem to only know the extremes, and I'm not even sure that what I call "open" is really open.
So it becomes: where do I start?
What I can see very quickly is that I have a lot of fear. There are so many fear triggers, and they fire so fast. I know how to relate to fear when I have space to be with it. But if I'm in a social situation, like dancing, and I turn around smiling and someone approaches me, I immediately feel, "No, that's not what I meant." It happens very, very fast.
And that reaction also comes from past experience. It carries a lot of images of what could happen. So I was talking with a friend about this, and she shared something you had once told her. She described exactly what I feel: my face is smiling, but my energy is completely saying, "Don't come so close," especially with men. She said you had told her to flip it around: keep your energy open, and let what you present on the surface be more neutral, or at least more aligned. I'm paraphrasing something she remembered you saying, so it might be off, but I liked the idea of flipping it around. How does that work?
I have some memory of that conversation, and what you're describing sounds related to what I said, though I don't remember exactly. But I can speak to it from what's coming up now.
The energetic close that protects nothing
Usually what happens in a situation where something in a relationship or interaction doesn't feel right is that there's an energetic closing. That closing is an internal guardedness, and it's protecting something that doesn't need to be protected. So it's unnecessary.
Now, that guardedness is different from what's actually being presented on the surface. If you're smiling and dancing but you don't actually want closeness, you're presenting something that isn't what you want. Then when someone comes toward you, you close energetically. There's a mismatch.
Flipping the inner and outer
What could happen instead is the reverse. The energetic openness stays, even if someone approaches and you don't want them to. That openness can still be there, because the deeper energetic level does not need to be guarded. But then what you manifest or express outwardly can be more aligned with what you actually want in that interaction. You move away, or you say, "I'm in my own space." The smile becomes more neutral, or if it needs to express something, it expresses what you really want.
In that sense, the notion of a boundary becomes almost irrelevant. You simply do what you want, say what you want, express authentically. Nothing needs to be defended. No energetic needs to be closed. You're just doing what you want.
So energetic openness does not mean you say yes to anything. You're simply open to what's happening. You're open to what is. And the guardedness you feel is a guarding of something that doesn't need to be guarded.
That's so beautiful, because in so many other circumstances in life, I can totally see what you're saying. It's obvious. But then I'm on the dance floor and none of that appears. It's just pure reaction.
I think the deeper thing is, what I truly want, ultimately, is the openness. It's similar to what you were discussing earlier: I know this fear isn't really about something I don't want. There is both fear and excitement. I have no idea how to go about it, but the excitement is there. I do want the openness. I felt myself very open dancing alone in my own space. It was so beautiful. I was having a blast. But then the contrast of those interactions, especially with men, was so stark. I found myself thinking, "What is this? Why is it so different?" And so the question remains: how do I find my way into the openness I know I want?