The Illusion of Pulling Away
La Ilusión de Apartarse
A student asks about the nature of resistance to difficult feelings, and a second student raises the question of a persistent, nameless desire to change something even when everything feels okay.
The Illusion of Pulling Away
A student asks about the nature of resistance to difficult feelings, and a second student raises the question of a persistent, nameless desire to change something even when everything feels okay.
I'm a bit confused. I understand what you're saying, but I'm not sure where to go with it.
Just keep looking at what appears to be some kind of center, agent, controller, or decider, and notice that what it is made of is thoughts. Then there is something noticing the thoughts, recognizing them as thoughts. That something, just to use a word, is closer to the sense of "I." So it's more accurate to say: I see the thoughts that appear to be an agent.
In this context, what about the one that resists difficult feelings? That's like another agent in the same sense. What is it that resists?
It depends on what we call resistance. The body-mind will resist in certain ways. Contractions, for example, or if there's a threatening situation, there's going to be fear, tension, an attempt to avoid pain. That is a form of resistance you could say is natural.
I don't mean that. I mean the resistance to emotional pain.
In a sense it's the same; it's just the fear of it. But ultimately you can't resist. And when I say "ultimately," I mean more truthfully what is happening now. If you look for the resistance, it's just another mix of sensations, thoughts, and emotions.
But then what is that sense or feeling of something pulling away and not fully meeting the pain or whatever is difficult?
It's an illusion. It's thought. More precisely, it's a belief in thought as more than thought.
What would the illusion be in this case?
The illusion is that there's somebody pulling away, that can pull away, that is pulling away. It's all imagination.
If you pull away and it's imagination, why does it pacify or dull the pain a little bit?
It fills the experience with thought, and so it numbs other aspects of experience. It shifts attention. But the illusion is that there's any kind of entity pulling away. It's just creativity, just thoughts, just imagination. It's like a looking away: all you're doing is looking at thought instead of sensation, or looking more at thought instead of sensation. But the idea that the sensation you're pulling away from is something real, while the thought you're pulling into is not, that's the illusion.
Okay. I think I have quite a lot to work with there. Thank you.
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The meditation was great. I was wondering if you could talk about something. During the meditation, everything felt okay, everything in the right place. But then there's this nagging desire to change something, and I don't know what. It came up a few times. It feels like an old habit, but it's not very comfortable. It felt strange because at one point there was just okayness with everything, and then out of nowhere: "I have to change something here."
Two things at once
I think you nailed part of it with the sense that it's an old habit. As we see more of reality, as we live more in truth, we can be in a phase where both things are happening: a more constant in-touchness with reality, which is that okayness, and at the same time something more attached to the illusion. Part of it just becomes undone on its own. Ultimately everything does happen on its own. But there's a possibility to see more at the subtler levels what's happening.
The unrest beneath the desire
That longing for something to change, that desire for something to be different: I appreciate that you say it's not clear what it is or what it's about. The mind hasn't attached a narrative, and you haven't bought into a narrative. That's a sign of seeing through beliefs, because what would normally happen is a story would form around what needs to be done, solved, or fixed. But when we remove the narrative, something remains. It's like an unrest, a kind of deep, subtle sensation of unrest. At the source of that is still a belief in separation, but at a much more subtle level. It's trickier to untangle, but it will happen on its own. I'm just nudging in this direction: stay open to seeing more subtle aspects of that, and also notice how in life it can manifest in certain lifestyle choices that might be stemming from that unrest.
It feels like addiction arises from it.
Yes, addiction and certain preferences that are actually not real or deep. Addiction is a preference that isn't real or deep, but it could be anything. If I try to remember how that appeared for me, it would be, for example, "I don't like cold weather." I still don't, but it used to be a big problem. There was this preference that was out of place, and it was hiding some form of resistance, which itself was hiding a certain identification with certain body-mind states.
It almost feels like when I'm not sitting and meditating, it's not quite as obvious. But it can arise anytime. It doesn't arise with a desire; it's like the unrest arises, and then some desire, anything, could follow: to do something different, to change, whatever that may be.
Neurotic desire versus life force
Yes, desire is tricky because there are different kinds. There are desires that are harmonious, aligned, deep, not coming from that unrest. And then there's desire that comes from the unrest, which is an attempt to fix it, and that is actually what keeps it going. As we deepen in this, you can start distinguishing which desires are neurotic or based on the sense of separation, versus desire which is the life force itself, the universal desire. That kind of desire is very much stemming from the body-mind in the sense that at its core it is what the body loves, which is very unique.
That distinction is becoming clearer for me. Is there a grey area in the middle?
It's grey in that it's tricky to see in the middle, but once all of that is free and is seen, the middle doesn't matter too much. It's a creative place where that can be explored. It becomes playful.
Thank you.
You're welcome.