The Doorway in What Feels Unbearable
La puerta en lo que se siente insoportable
A question about how to stay present with intense, unfamiliar emotions that arise as deeper layers of identification begin to dissolve, and the fear that these emotions will make normal life impossible.
The Doorway in What Feels Unbearable
A question about how to stay present with intense, unfamiliar emotions that arise as deeper layers of identification begin to dissolve, and the fear that these emotions will make normal life impossible.
I wanted to ask about untamed emotions. You talk about those, and I find that when they come up, and they've been coming up recently, both physically and emotionally, it is so hard to find what you were describing so beautifully in the meditation: the beauty of just the presence that is here, being with sensations as they are. The only thing getting in the way of liberation is the wanting of something to be different. But when those untamed emotions come up, everything in me wants to run, not only from experience but from life itself, from anything I'm doing. My body is totally constricted, contracted, and it's unclear sometimes what is actually even happening in terms of emotions and sensations. There's a lot of, well, shittiness. That's the best way to put it. In those moments, how do you approach them? Can you say a little about the approach you were describing in the meditation: being with sensations, the presence that is already here, the movement of sensations already here?
Just for context: "untamed emotions" is a way to speak about the storminess that happens when we start to undo our more normal identification. The "tamed" emotions would be the kind of struggle and suffering we're used to, that which repeats. When we see through that, a different layer of intensity comes up that is much more raw, much more real. The word "untamed" is used because they are unknown. They are not what we can relate to habitually.
A good sign
The very appearance of them is a good sign. That things are shaking up to that intensity is the sign that we're moving to the edges of the known, the edges of the identification with thought. It's the threshold to the beyond, let's say. They are in a sense the guardians. This kind of intensity moves at a deep level of fear and pain and all forms of mind activation around that.
The key is trust
So to your question: the key is trust. Trust that it is positive that this is happening. The need and desire to run away will carry a very underlying sense of wrongness or danger, to the point where it feels like the end of you, like there is no way anything good can come of this. That is exactly what needs to be doubted. Doubt that deep sense of wrongness, and then trust: what if this is a doorway? Not a doorway into something over there, or in some other time or place, but a doorway to what is truly here.
You could think of it as the deepest activation of a veil, the ego pulling out its big guns to convince you to turn back.
Finding the core sensation
At the level of the senses: look for that which is a sensation. There is going to be a lot of active thought, and there is going to be a core sensation that feels unbearable. The more you can have a direct, intimate relationship with that sensation, touching it directly, the more something can be revealed. I don't want to give you more thoughts about it, but what can be revealed in that intimate touching and relating is that the sensation is not what it seems to be. Something that is terrifying and painful can be revealed as vitality and love.
But this is what I mean by "acquired taste." At first it burns. It's unbearable. It's often like that for quite a long time, and it might seem like no progress is being made. But it's just about going back there. Keep touching it. Keep distilling it to the source. There will still be more superficial emotional activation, but there is going to be a core sensation: that which is unbearable, that which you want to run away from, that which makes you feel like there is no point in living, like this is completely unbearable. Does any of this resonate?
Yes. I realized last night that when I went into fear, into the sensation itself, fear turned out to be vitality and aliveness. So I really resonate with that. But it feels like when I go into the sensations and emotions, there is a conflict. I can't live my life while this is happening, and yet I have to live my life in the midst of this crazy, untamed fear and wrongness. I notice myself fighting. I need to show up for things, but I feel like I just can't. It's hard for me to even touch in with this stuff. Does that make sense?
A hundred percent. Part of that is just thoughts. "I can't live my life while this is happening" is a thought. If you believe it, you go down a path you are familiar with, which is struggle and fear, because believing that thought brings more fear.
The fear of not being able to function
There are practicalities around this, of course. Something really unknown is moving, and there is fear, and there is a sense that it's life or death. "If I go down this road, I won't be able to live, because I won't be able to function and do the things I need to do." That is more fear. That is more thought. And it does bring you to the point where you have to choose, and keep choosing, to take the risk.
Take the risk of living with the sensations as they are, being wherever I am?
The choice is: do I fight this, push it away, or do I go deeper into it and risk the dysfunction that feels like it's going to be the end of me?
Well, that's the problem. I feel like there is a dysfunction that's the end of me. I'm with it, but then I can't do anything. I have plans with a friend, and I'm in the fetal position. I can't get up. That's where I fight myself. I don't mind being with it, but I have to live and be with it at the same time, and that's where the struggle is.
That's just the practical nature of things. You might have to tell your friend, "I'm really sorry, can we do this tomorrow?" But the mind makes it a big deal, and you buy into that.
I buy into the struggle, and that makes it a struggle in the mind. I'm in the sensations, being with it, and it feels like everything is wrong, like it shouldn't be this way. I get that that's thought. So I'm just in it. But then my mind says I need to get up and do everything I need to do, while my body is saying I can't. So it's good to hear a bit of permission that I can choose to make sacrifices in my life.
Exploring the unknowns
Yes, choose to explore all of the unknowns. Maybe you can be with this and see your friend. Maybe you can get up and do something while staying engaged and touching this. Maybe you can say no to a commitment and stay and be still. The point is exploring.
We usually say "the mind does this thing and it's happening to you," which is what I just did. But we are actually eliciting that kind of thought. In a sense, we look at mind and say, "Give me a very scary story about this so that I have a reason to run."
You've talked about this before. We're actually doing it ourselves.
There is a creativity in it, but it is us eliciting thought, activating aspects that rationalize and justify, quite honorably, how we will run.
Rationalization. Yes. Thank you.