The Void That Feels Like Absence
El Vacío Que Se Siente Como Ausencia
A student describes encountering a disturbing sense of emptiness and nothingness, and asks how to distinguish between a deep psychological wound around absence and the existential void that arises through awakening.
The Void That Feels Like Absence
A student describes encountering a disturbing sense of emptiness and nothingness, and asks how to distinguish between a deep psychological wound around absence and the existential void that arises through awakening.
I'd like to follow up on the thread from the previous conversation, because I resonate with it. As I was listening, where I found myself is this: there is a combination of both the known and the unknown. These days I find myself revisiting emotional patterns, even patterns of thinking I haven't visited in a while. A certain pessimism, a certain darkness, a certain "everything is doomed" feeling. And I think, "Where is this coming from?" Just this morning when I woke up, I thought about the meditation and the group, and there was this sense of "it doesn't matter," but in a dark way. Those patterns used to be familiar. That's where I get confused, because at the same time I was also looking at my body, at the sensations, and when I look quietly, there is a lot of something there. Some of those patterns feel familiar. So there is something unknown but also something known. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
The mind has its habits. We are involved in those habits. We have created them, and so they are still going to appear. But it comes in layers. There is the core heart of the difficult sensation, the unbearable sensation, and then there are things more on the surface. The surface layers are going to be easier for you to see through, because you are engaging with the core after having already seen through what lies on the surface.
I think, precisely because I have a lot of movement right now in my body, I can recognize that what has become really unbearable is when there seems to be this silence, this complete quietness, but it's not peaceful. My mind associates a certain quietness and silence with peacefulness and contentment. But lately there is this sensation of a quiet silence where there is nothing, a void. And that is very unbearable.
The battle between identification and energy
Ultimately, at the core of this, it has to do with identification. The more you come close, those typical sensations are the activation of the breaking down of identification. It is basically a certain quality of energy that, if I am in relationship to it, I cannot remain identified. So it is this battle between the identification, the believing into something, and an energy that cannot coexist with that believing.
When the identification drops, that energy moves freely and can be known for what it is. This has been described in alchemy as the transmutation of energies. There is a contraction, an identification, a believing that I am something known. Then, as we look through that, an energy activates. You can call it life force. It is energy that is beyond the structure of the contracted body-mind. Kundalini, different forms. These are just words, descriptions. But the essential dynamic is: there is an identification, there is a mind activation, and then there is an energy. When I am coming to that from a place where the identification is intact, it is going to be terrifying. Even silence.
Especially silence, for me. I recognize that silence has to do with the ultimate death of something that I love a lot, which is the movement of experience.
Because something you love a lot, the movement of experience, points to something beautiful. But what is the need for that to always be present?
When I look closer, it has less to do with the movement itself. What I really love is the experience that can be labeled. It has less to do with whether something is there or not; it has to do with not being able to label it, because it feels like nothing but is something. It feels like nothing.
What labeling serves
What does labeling serve? It is identification. As soon as you label, there is a subject that knows the thing that is labeled. And therefore the subject finds itself as that which is separate from what is labeled, knowing what is labeled.
It is so beautiful. What a puzzle. We are incredibly creative. If it is not working this way, it works that way. In the very act of labeling, there is someone who recognizes, who knows, who labels. At the same time, I just feel it is so out of my hands. It is what it is.
It is out of your hands, and there is a lawfulness to it. But it is also up to you to look and see.
There is a lot moving right now, and in a way, as I'm speaking, I prefer the movement for the reasons I've been telling you.
That can be our addiction: the activation of a lot of movement, a lot of emotion, which can then rationalize, "I'm doing a lot, it's going well, I'm processing a lot." All of that can be an avoidance and an addiction. The reactivity keeps the storm going so that I can then be the one in it.
Right. Because if I go back to this morning, it is still fresh. That moment of waking up and feeling this void. That is the one where I think, "No, no, no." When you said to the previous student, "It's not worth going on like this," that is exactly what comes up. "It's not worth going on like this." And I think, "What is this?" At the same time, these thoughts arise: "Are you sure? Hello?" It is so strange. It is uncomfortable, for sure.
The relationship with the void
Ultimately, the relationship with that void, that voidness, is the heart of this whole thing. Until you recognize yourself as that, the voidness is terrifying. But once you do, it is beautiful, open, loving spaciousness. When there is something in relationship to the voidness, it is terrifying.
I experience that a lot, especially at times around you. But I also know from my professional work that sometimes, for people, this void is their deepest fear in a psychological sense. My question is about the difference between the psychological dimension and looking at it purely in terms of identification. How would you know if it is a psychological thing, something too stuck, that is in the way?
You mean like nihilism?
Not nihilism. More like something deep-rooted, old, from childhood. There was no one there. And then that gets mapped onto the silence or the emptiness, and it feels the same. It is not exactly a trauma; it is more like an absence. Technically, maybe something like childhood neglect.
So a wounding around absence.
Right. Some people distinguish between small-t trauma and big-T trauma, and I don't necessarily disagree that a lot of smaller things still create a trauma response. But to me, a trauma is something that happened. I am talking about something that didn't happen.
But neglect and abandonment are something that happen as well.
In a way, yes. But what I mean is: perhaps that person craved presence, craved someone to be there, someone to love them, and it wasn't available. So that emptiness, that void, feels the same. "Oh my God, I'm existentially alone." But it comes from a childhood place where you weren't ready for that.
Dealing with the wound before going deeper
I don't see a big difference between the two categories. Whether you call it big-T or small-T, the relationship and the approach to it are the same: deal with what comes up as you move toward it. What comes up is pain, the sense of abandonment, the longing for presence. That needs to be dealt with. I think your question is about how to address it. I would say: intuitively address what comes up as you move toward those difficult sensations. Things will be brought out from the shadow, from the subconscious, that need to be addressed before you can continue into a deeper relationship with emptiness, with presence.
It is not that a memory of a traumatic experience surfaces. It is more the experience of a voidness because there wasn't presence, there wasn't love, there wasn't caring.
In that case, I would say it needs to be dealt with before going further into what we are talking about here. And what you are describing should be dealt with in relationship, with another person.
That's the question. To be dealt with before, and with a person. What I am wondering is: should I go investigating all of this that is happening when so many things are moving, at the same time knowing that there is a specific place where I am still processing this wound?
Parallel paths: waking up and growing up
It is parallel, both. This is coming up because you have done good work in the awakening. What I talk about is waking up and growing up. The more you wake up, the more you are able to deal with whatever is blocking you around growing up. So often, something is stuck at the level of growing up. There is a deepening in awakening, and then it becomes very clear what is in the way. It actually becomes conscious; it surfaces into awareness in a deeper way. Then it can be dealt with, cleared, worked through.
But if we take the conversation I just had about this sense of void, of nothingness: all of that seems to be emerging in the moment, and I can see that it is unbearable when there is someone relating to it. Should I go in that direction right now while at the same time I know there is all this other processing of the wound to do?
That is why I said parallel, both. You have to trust your own intuition, moment by moment. If you are thirsty, you are not going to keep running; it is better to have some water. My point in saying "both" is: don't plan now to put one aside for a year and face the other. It is both, together.
That makes sense. Thank you, that actually helps a lot.