The Longing for Direction and the Illusion of Something Missing
El Anhelo de Dirección y la Ilusión de que Algo Falta
A student shares a deep sense of not knowing what to do with her life, questioning whether spiritual seeking has become another strategy for avoiding the present moment.
The Longing for Direction and the Illusion of Something Missing
A student shares a deep sense of not knowing what to do with her life, questioning whether spiritual seeking has become another strategy for avoiding the present moment.
I have so much to share, but maybe I'll just start with the practical. What you said earlier about how a belief perpetuates an emotional signature: I've never actually thought about it that way. There are these new-age beliefs that say if you believe something, the universe reflects it back to you, and so you have to change your beliefs. I've been sitting with something, and I'm not sure if it's a belief or just an observation. I don't know what to do. I can already feel the emotion coming up when I say that. I don't know if I've been spiritualizing it, or if it's a distortion of my mind that's blocking me from knowing what to do, or if it's a truth and I'm judging it.
Why don't you say a little more? Usually something like this can be expressed briefly, as you just did: "I don't know what to do." But give me more of the narrative. You don't know what to do with regards to what? What does it imply? What is the consequence?
With regards to life direction, career. I know what to do to take care of my health and to maintain relationships, but when it comes to career and direction, I'm lost. I've traveled a lot. I'm always moving, and it just feels like I've been wandering around the world looking for something. Of course, you become a target for spiritual beliefs, and you start taking things on. I've always felt this "I don't know," and I've tried so many things. I'm very action-oriented. When I want to do something, I do it. I take risks, I have courage. But there have been so many times when I've thought, "This is it, I'll do this program or this job or start this business," and it just doesn't hold.
I got it. So if you knew what to do, what would happen?
Life would be more interesting. I guess I would feel a sense of belonging or purpose.
What would feeling purpose give you? What would a more interesting life give you? What are you trying to get?
I guess it feels like there's something wrong because I don't know what to do. I feel almost underwhelmed. I know I have so much potential and so many skills and things to share, but it's like: what am I doing here?
That's a good question.
And so of course I get into all this spiritual stuff, which I love, but I'm also realizing that I was raised Christian and then just took on a whole new set of beliefs and became intoxicated by these highly intellectual nondual speakers who filled my mind with concepts. So it became, "Oh, that's what it is. I'm here to awaken. That's my thing."
The mind cannot grasp awakening
Well, maybe it is, but the trick is you can't know what it is. You can't know what awakening is. The mind cannot grasp it.
Let me speak to all of that. When you started sharing, I mentioned how a belief creates an emotional tone. The story has an emotion attached to it. When we imagine a story, it creates a certain emotional tone in the body-mind. My point is that this is how we create continuity in experience, no matter what is actually happening. Because what's really happening is just a kaleidoscope, always changing.
There are parts of experience that remain, such as bodily sensations. But even if you look at bodily sensations, they're always changing. You can't hold on to a bodily sensation as "I." Because it's always changing, you need to create a contraction that preserves a body sensation you can call "I." But that's not enough. You need a narrative to accompany that contraction, and that creates an emotional tone. Then there's this soup of continued experience.
This is different from the more new-age idea of manifesting, where if you have certain beliefs, the world responds differently, and if you change those beliefs, the world will respond differently. That's true in a way. But I don't subscribe to it, because it's the perfect trap for trying to manipulate and control life, for chasing experiences. That's a dead end, an infinite search to nowhere.
There is value, however, in the understanding that if you drop negativity and become more loving toward what is, there's more harmony in life. That's just naturally what happens. But that harmony is not what you're looking for either. It's a consequence of seeing the illusion that nothing is missing right now.
Not knowing what to do is natural
Now, to get to the thing you mentioned about not knowing what to do: I don't know what to do at any instant, ever. I have no idea what to do, nor what I'm doing. But it's great. Now, what's the difference? Because if you knew what to do all the time, you would be insane.
The difference is that I don't have a steady income, I don't have any direction, and I'm just going for long walks and wandering around the world.
That can be changed without you really knowing what to do.
That can be changed without knowing what to do?
Yes.
Then maybe I should define it differently. I just don't have direction. I've done so much of this healing and spiritual stuff, and it's not making my life better.
That's a good realization.
I actually threw out all my spiritual books last week and unsubscribed from almost all the teachers I've been following. I feel like I'm having this awakening out of the nonduality industry, because I'm just listening and listening, and it's like: why do I need all these concepts to bring me to what's right here? I'm just taking on new beliefs.
So what do you want?
I want direction.
Direction is in service to something. What is the direction toward?
My values. Freedom, connection, excellence. I want to help people. I want to meet interesting people. I want to work with them. I want to be free and authentic.
Challenging the sense of not being free
How are you not free? Just as one experiment: are you able to stay home and sit on your couch all day, or get on a plane and go somewhere today?
Well, I have a credit card, so yes.
I'm just challenging the sense that, even at the mundane level of what you do in your day, there are infinite possibilities. You're free to explore a lot of them. And that's not even the freedom I'm referring to, which is already here.
It's natural to not know what to do. As I said, it would be insane to always know what to do. That would only come from beliefs. To know what to do at all times is being completely restricted by the highest level of conditioning possible. Being a machine. A robot.
I understand that. I am actually a pretty easygoing, surrendered, trusting person. But that's not really what I'm talking about, needing to know what to do all the time.
Choosing in uncertainty
The next thing is commitment. Choosing, but choosing in the uncertainty of not knowing if it's right or not. If you choose from a certainty that "this is the path," it's going to be the wrong path. It's going to come from seeking, from belief systems. But the choosing and the commitment is huge, it's heartfelt, and it's like a free fall without knowing if it's right or not. Then it might be the universe speaking.
Well, that is what I'm doing. But it's not happening fast enough.
"Not happening fast enough." You see, you're trying to get somewhere. What are you trying to get to?
I don't know. I want to feel like I'm part of this, like I have a reason to be here.
The reason to be here is this. Just being, feeling, experiencing, knowing. There's no reason. It's prior to reasons. It's mystery.
But everyone kind of has their role to play in this life, right?
Robots. You can subscribe to that and become that, sure. It's valid. And then there's freedom.
Something's not registering. I'm looking for an outcome. I am.
Investigating the sense that something is missing
Hold on to that. It's an understanding of your psychological functioning. The mind says, "I am looking for an outcome." That's what you're hoping knowing what to do will give you: some kind of outcome. When I asked you what you want, you said you wanted some direction toward an outcome. The longing, the desire, is coming from the sense that something's not right, the sense that something's missing. That's what you need to feel into and investigate.
One way to approach it is looking at the belief systems around the reality of those sensations. But there's also the way that's more of an antidote. It's an approach where, very slowly, you're trying to create something that will eventually overflow. Just drops, drops, drops, and then at some point the dam bursts. It's constantly paying attention and looking in your experience for some very subtle sense of something beautiful, something lovely, loving, delightful, even if tiny.
I do that a lot.
When that goes away and this angst comes, the feeling that something's not right, something's missing, that's when you want the antidote.
I guess I'm just trying to balance. For so long I explained this "not knowing what to do" away with the spiritual search and spiritual concepts.
That's just another form of a map of what to do. It's the thing that's going to get you to the thing, and it's more of a robotic strategy. Even if all it's trying to do is dismantle that, the mind can take it as a map to get somewhere.
Waiting is just another strategy
It just feels a bit irresponsible to just wait, though. It feels like that's what I'm doing: waiting for something to come to me because I don't know what to do.
What are you waiting for? It's again the same thing: waiting for something. Waiting becomes a strategy, because what you need and want is not in this moment, it's in the future. "If I don't have any strategies, my only strategy left is to wait." That's just another strategy. There is no future. You're just imagining it. All the future you've ever known is in your imagination. It's useful at times to imagine it. It's not real.
So, like, just sitting in the park staring at a tree in this thought-free zone?
To get where?
To be free from the mind, because I want to recognize my true nature.
The mind is already free as well. The mind has infinite degrees of freedom.
Yeah, but I'm still identifying with it.
That's the choice. You can't practice yourself into not identifying. Just don't do it.
Yeah, but it's not automatic yet.
No. The choice is always at every moment.
This is what trips me up. It's like, "There's nothing to do," but then, "Do this." If there's nothing to do and nothing to realize, well then, what are we doing here?
There's a mixing of things there, and I understand the language being confusing. "There's nothing to do" means nothing is needed in order to get anywhere, because what we're ultimately wanting is already here. That's a statement, words, and you can take it as a pointer. What if that's true? Then it has implications. There's nothing to do in order to arrive. Nothing is missing. But there's also a whole infinity of life to explore, to play with.
Yeah, but nothing's calling me. I feel bored.
Investigating boredom
What is boredom? Describe it.
Not fun.
That's not an experience. That's a judgment of the experience.
Yeah. Am I using this whole spiritual awakening and recognition thing as my solution to not knowing what to do? That's basically what's happening. So I'm kind of stuck. But I know you're going to say I'm not stuck, that I'm free. But I'm stuck.
It's important to stay with your experience. What is this boredom? I'm sure you experience it regularly, but when I ask you to describe it, it's not that easy, it seems.
Yeah, it's a judgment. You're right.
A judgment of what?
Of my experience, of my current situation.
What is the experience actually, if it's not boredom?
It's having nothing to do, not knowing, not understanding why I'm here.
How does that feel?
Familiar. Very sad. Like I'm doing something wrong.
"Doing something wrong" is also a judgment. It starts to invoke a belief in what you should be doing and what's right and what's not. It's not a feeling.
You're right. "Irresponsible" is a judgment too. It kind of feels like I'm being rejected.
By what or whom?
By life. By whatever all of this is.
As if, once you found your place, everything would work out?
Well, I'm not expecting perfection, but yes.
Invoking the deepest desire
You could have anything. Not tomorrow, not as a way to get somewhere. You could have anything right now. What does it look like?
That's a good question. Yeah, I'm going into the future.
Just to invoke the deepest desire: if you could have anything, imagine the deepest, deepest longing for this, right now. If you could have it right now. It doesn't have to be right or wrong. Just playful.
I guess just to be myself. The freedom to be myself.
I don't understand what that looks like, because you cannot be anything other than yourself. When you say "the freedom to be myself," there's a certain implication that you're not yourself. There's a certain "no" to what you are. A choice.
I see that. I am myself. Your question hit me. That's why I realized I'm going into the future. But it kind of feels like my clothes are on fire and I'm just sitting there trying to pretend I'm fine, or like there's a danger I'm not looking at. This feeling of "I don't know what to do" is connected to having my basic needs met, and I guess these are all stories, but it feels like there's a danger because of this, and I'm not addressing it.
Well, that's fear. There's obviously some validity to that, and there is a responsibility to take care of yourself and your needs. But I'm trying to ask about something deeper, because that's all important, but what do you want assuming your needs are met? Put those aside. Start imagining. Right now, close your eyes. Feel. Anything's possible, even the impossible. You can imagine it. Longing to be an eagle soaring, to be a pilot, to swim in the ocean. Just explore that, but let yourself get closer and closer to something that feels deeply valuable and loving. Something starts to resonate energetically. You start to feel a little tingling in your heart. There's nothing wrong with you, and it doesn't in any way oppose the value of being responsible and taking care of your needs.
Yeah, thank you.
All paths lead to a life
There's no right and wrong in the sense that there isn't the right path that, if you pick it correctly, leads to the right place, and if you don't, leads to the wrong place.
Yeah, that's just a belief.
It's all creativity, and all paths lead to a life with pain and pleasure in different forms.
I've been trying to heal my way out of this thing. And now I'm even seeing that's a bit of a scam as well.
I don't think many people propose that from the intention of scamming, but there is an illusion in thinking that healing will ultimately get you to what you want. Some healing helps. It's not the path to the ultimate. What you're recognizing, I agree: there are just a lot of illusions in the world, in what you called the industry of healing and the industry of spirituality.
Yeah, I'm questioning a lot of the teachers I used to follow. A lot of the big ones. Just so many concepts.
Even if it's with the ultimate purpose of pointing beyond the conceptual, it's very hard to communicate without concepts, and it's impossible to communicate accurately with them. The most perfect phrase I know in spirituality is from the Tao Te Ching. It's often translated, "The Tao that is spoken is not the true Tao." But I prefer the translation that says, "Tao called Tao is not Tao."
Yeah. Simple.
Tao, you can see as anything that is trying to point to the thing you're wanting: any strategy, teaching, path, map, direction. Tao is that which you're looking for. But as soon as you call it Tao, as soon as you map it, any teaching or strategy, it begins from "that's not it."
In contrast to that, truth can only be communicated in silence. But if words are to be spoken, the most perfect I know are: "This is it." It's this. The mind might not want that, might not like that. But it can be discovered in you, in your heart, in your deepest truth: this is it. It becomes obvious at any instant. And the joy that comes from that, the beauty and the love from seeing "this is it."
Yeah. I'm feeling it now. I think I just want to marinate more in this space.
Be gentle with yourself. There really is nothing wrong. Let that warmth in.
Are you sure?
I am.
You promise? Okay. Thank you.
You're welcome.