The Art of Honest Relating
El Arte de Relacionarse con Honestidad
A question about navigating recurring patterns in friendships where criticism and invasiveness arise, and whether to withdraw or move toward deeper honesty.
The Art of Honest Relating
A question about navigating recurring patterns in friendships where criticism and invasiveness arise, and whether to withdraw or move toward deeper honesty.
I'm noticing a pattern, something I want to call a boundary issue, though I'm not even sure what it is. Certain people feel they can just talk at me, being quite invasive, critical, and judgmental. I come and go in terms of whether I'm bothered by it. They can't seem to see their own unkindness. I've been asked quite invasive questions about my life, answered them honestly, and then been judged for the answers.
I don't know whether to persevere with some friendships that feel disrespectful. I think these people are unsettled because, personality-wise, I'm quite different from who I was ten years ago. At the same time, I don't want to become a hermit, because that's not my character either.
Maybe there's also something that says things do fall away, and that's okay. And maybe there's something for me to see around standing my ground more and not just sharing things so openly. I'm aware it's on my mind a lot. Something is obviously bubbling up, because it keeps returning.
When you said "sharing things so openly," what do you mean? And by "standing your ground," do you mean speaking up when something feels off?
I mean not telling someone so much about myself and what I'm up to, if that makes sense.
The pattern in relationships
You're talking about personal relationships and a pattern you're seeing. Is this something happening with more than one relationship?
Yes, a few people.
This is the key: noticing that there is a pattern. There's a yin and yang here. There's something that you are a part of. You notice the pattern, and then the question, as I interpret it, is: what would be the best way to work through this? What is the wisest direction toward the best outcome? That outcome may be hard to define precisely, but let's say it is more beauty, love, and friendship.
Truth now starts to become a value, a way toward love and friendship. Can you have love and friendship without truth? Can you have love and friendship without authenticity? It's not black and white; it's a matter of degree.
Beyond boundaries
You spoke about boundaries. I don't resonate strongly with the notion of boundaries as a long-term strategy. They are important to work on and practice when we are really struggling with something. They can serve as a tool in relationship, a way to contain something we're very challenged by. But after a while, boundaries need to be dropped for there to be deeper, truer relating. They can be useful as a way to get to a place where there is then a deeper chance of more intimacy in a relationship.
I suspect you're not at the place where boundaries are needed. I suspect you're at a place where there's a deeper need, something beyond just boundaries. And I think, not speaking to you specifically but generally in situations like this, it has to do with taking more risk.
Moving toward, not away
Often when something in a relationship is difficult, repetitive, and patterned with other people, we tend to consider backing out as an option. We prematurely end a relationship or distance ourselves without really exploring in the other direction, which is toward more intimacy. And more intimacy requires authenticity, honesty, and truth, along with the art of that practice. There is no book about how to be honest, authentic, and truthful. There are many ways in which these can be expressed, and it is a bit of an art, because it all matters: how you say it, when you say it.
What if you explored risking those friendships, risking those relationships? What if you found some way that is different, not based in the past, not based in anything you've done before? Otherwise it is more habitual relating. When patterns repeat, it is because of habitual forms of relating.
Usually what happens is there's a period where this is tricky, difficult, a little scary, and uncomfortable. And then you will likely be surprised by how some people respond. Sometimes the surprise will be unpleasant: a very unexpectedly difficult response. And sometimes you'll be surprised by people genuinely appreciating a call to intimacy and truth, because it brings them into something deeper as well. This process will automatically cause some relationships to fall away and some to come closer, without you having to prematurely decide.
The risk is facing more experiences of rejection, disconnection, or discomfort. But it is also a practice, because you can learn to say something difficult to someone and realize: "When I say it from this place, I immediately get a negative reaction. But when I say it from this other place, people open up." It starts to dawn on you that it really is up to you, where you're coming from, how open and loving you are, even when you say something difficult or challenging.
A never-ending practice
This is a never-ending practice. It is an art of relating. It is the process I would define as growing up, and it never ends: how to live, how to relate, how to express love, and how to create relationships that are deeply satisfying and intimate. None of us are born knowing how to do this.
I think I actually do this a bit more than I give myself credit for, from time to time. But perhaps not in a sustained way. I may have challenged people more than I think I have, just in bursts rather than consistently.
The risk of addressing what you see
Exactly. And that in itself is a form worth examining. You can ask: is there perhaps an even better way? Doing it in bursts is better than not saying anything at all. But when somebody is talking at you, being critical as you described, there is a lot you can do. It really is up to you, because when we experience what we interpret as unloving or uncaring behavior, it is up to us to take the risk of being wrong and to address it. It is up to us to accept the risk of doing it in a way that is not the best, in a way that creates more problems than it solves. Losing that relationship, being rejected, hurting somebody unnecessarily: all of those are the risks of addressing something.
I am of the philosophy that it is better to do that. That is the world I would rather live in. You might be right that you're noticing uncaring behavior. If you are, it is your gift in that moment to address it, with the risk of being wrong.
Certainty, paralysis, and the third option
We always need to be excruciatingly aware that we can never really know what is right or wrong. Any kind of certain knowing of what is right and wrong is very problematic. You take that to the extreme and you have Nazism, fascism. But we can't be stuck in paralyzing not-knowing either. The other extreme is to be absolutely aware that we can't really know anything and then become passive and paralyzed, which is also not good.
There is a third option: "I can't really know, so I am aligned with the truth that this is a mystery and I can't know the best action, but I'll take the risk and try." From there comes a great deal of learning, and through learning we get better at it.