The Choice Between Pain and "Me"
La elección entre el dolor y el "yo"
A student explores the amplification of physical pain during deep meditation, and the teacher guides them to see that pain arises from identification with thought, presenting a fundamental choice between suffering and letting go of the constructed self.
The Choice Between Pain and "Me"
A student explores the amplification of physical pain during deep meditation, and the teacher guides them to see that pain arises from identification with thought, presenting a fundamental choice between suffering and letting go of the constructed self.
I notice that often in this context, during a deep meditation with a teacher, physical sensations and physical pains really amplify. I'm assuming it's some kind of contraction or resistance to the opening that's available. But what do I do with it?
When the pain is coming up, you can see it's always going to be some thought-form resistance. What's going to come up through induction, transmission, and the rising of energy hitting resistances that are painful is the thought system being brought to the surface.
Right, so I could print out a very long list of thoughts that have been bugging me in the last half hour.
The structure beneath the thoughts
What matters is not the list of thoughts, but the structure. The thoughts are going to be the projection of the contraction, projected outward as "things over there."
But even with that, I can sit here and try to analyze what the structure is.
No. Analyzing is not going to get you to the structure. That's just going into more thought.
Then how am I going to find the structure?
Looking. Not analyzing. Looking.
Well, I can look at my thoughts: there's this stuff about my sister, this and that. And I still don't see much.
Why don't we do this? Close your eyes. Are there thoughts coming up now? Is there pain?
Those are two questions.
Yes. Are there thoughts?
When you bring my attention right there, I can't say there are thoughts going on.
Looking, really looking
There you go. That is looking. Really looking. And then any pain that comes up is just like a little bell saying something is happening at the level of identification with thoughts. So, is it flowing? Moving? What's happening?
I can't quite describe it, actually. It just feels like a choice between pain or… I don't want pain. I don't want to lose "me."
"I don't want pain, I don't want to lose me." That's exactly the choice. You can't have both. And you need to believe some thought world in order to have "me."
Anything more? You good?
Sort of. It just feels like I can't really afford to not focus.
The contraction takes over
Right, because then some contraction-thought takes over. But it's beautiful, because you can see that it's you. You can go there yourself. You're not relying on an external source. An external source can help you recognize it, but it's you.
I'm curious: is there someone you would recommend who speaks clearly and with high ethics about ethics specifically?
Not specifically. Most teachers do, but it's all peppered throughout. A lot of books and names come to mind, but none that is explicit and direct about it.
Virtues and the moment of truth
When I was in Colombia, I bought a beautiful edition of the Meditations by Marcus Aurelius in Spanish. When you were speaking about privilege, I noticed that he actually starts the book by expressing gratitude for the life that was given to him and for the people he has met. And I thought, well, it's easier to be ethical when you have all of these beautiful conditions and extremely ethical people around you. He begins from a place of gratitude. I was thinking, yes, I have had that too through my teachers. But it still sometimes feels like I get lost. And he talks more about virtues: what is the virtuous act, what is the right thing to do. I think it's easier to talk about virtues because the virtuous act in specific circumstances can be defined. But ethics has more to do with moment-to-moment conditions. So I find the virtues inspiring, but still a gamble. When the moment of truth comes, what are you going to do?