When Fear Doesn't Come
Cuando el miedo no llega
A student describes a powerful opening during retreat, filled with love and intensity rather than the fear she had been told to expect, and wonders whether the absence of fear means something is wrong.
When Fear Doesn't Come
A student describes a powerful opening during retreat, filled with love and intensity rather than the fear she had been told to expect, and wonders whether the absence of fear means something is wrong.
I wanted to share something, and maybe there's a question in it about fear. I was at a recent retreat, and I've been to a couple of retreats before. So much has shifted. There have been lots of openings and seeing.
At the last retreat, the first days felt dry to me. Nobody was talking, nobody was looking at each other, and it felt like there was no connection. Since I was used to retreats that are very feminine and expressive, something was stirring inside that just wanted to come out and scream.
I was listening to one of the other teachers in a small group. Someone asked, "What is consciousness?" and she started explaining very neutrally. Something like a fire lit up inside the heart chakra, like electric shocks. I just wanted to scream. I wanted it to come out, but it was love. It was all love, and so beautiful. I could feel it coming. The circle went neutral, and then I went to the Q&A session, but I couldn't sit through it because it was just ripping my chest apart.
So I went and walked up the hill, and it kept coming, like ocean waves. You stand in front of the ocean and the waves wash all over you, then subside, then come back. It was just this beauty and love, and the crying was insane. Again, like it was ripping the chest apart. All I could think was: this is beautiful, this is so big, how can this body take it? It's so much.
I ended up thinking I was going mad. I couldn't stop crying, so I texted one of the teachers for help. She came out, and we talked a little. I don't remember what we talked about. Then we just sat in stillness, and that really helped the grounding. I could feel the grounding, the bed of it, and I sat in silence for quite a while after that.
Those waves kept coming all night. In the morning I woke up and felt like laughing, because it was so funny and so obvious. This is how it's always been. This is it. How could I have missed it? What is this "me" thing? It clearly appeared that "me" is a thought, a mental overlay. The me-stories, the you, the others, the world: all concepts. It was so clear.
The intensity did subside, although it kept coming. There were some visual and perceptual changes. It felt like something was happening in the field around me, more flowy, more morphing. Sometimes things would seem to come closer, and it felt like awareness was in the hill I was looking at rather than behind my eyes. That weird flow kept going on.
What I was wondering is this: it's still happening, still not as intense, but it's here. One thing the teachers asked me was, "Is there fear?" And there has never been any fear. Since teachers talk about fear so much, it's almost like I'm expecting it to happen. If it's not happening, I feel like something is off. In a way, there's no grounding, like I'm hanging and there's nothing to land on. But the feeling was more like awe, not fear. So I'm just wondering: what's up with this fear? The fear of losing the "me," I guess.
I would simply say you're lucky. It's very obvious to me that every process is unique and that no process requires anything to be in any particular way. Just because fear is common doesn't mean it's required, and if it's not there, that doesn't mean something is wrong.
The reversal of attention
Everything you describe is very clearly genuine. There is a kind of reversal in what attention is focusing on: whether it is absorbed in the mental world, or resting in what is prior to it. Then the mental world collapses inside that which is prior. That's my way of describing it, but what is present is infinite, and yet also dimensionless. There is no size to it. The mind appears inside of it and comes and goes.
For you, it seems to have become very clear and obvious that reality is not the mind. And then it seems very simple: it's just thoughts.
All the changes you're describing are part of it. Part of it is mystery, incomprehensible. But another part is clearly the body and mind adjusting and changing. There are effects in the body and effects in the brain. Those can be felt and seen, but it is also a process that will settle.
Listening beyond thought
When you reached out for help, there was something you needed. You listened to something and responded, and it was insightful, because it helped. Something of a different depth has been coming to aliveness, and it's going to be calling and leading in a deeper and deeper way, non-cognitively.
What you're listening to now is deeper. It's not coming from thought. There are many teachings that speak to the problem of seeking, but seeking is only a problem when we're seeking in thought, with thought. Now there is a seeking that is a listening to life. There is a calling, and at one point that seeking will stop also. But right now it's like a burning calling toward more and more truth. These are my words. I'm just feeling into what you've shared.
Yes, definitely. A few years ago, the seeking was more mental. I wanted to know: what practices do you do? What does this mean? What does that word mean? Now it's more about feeling it. There is this internal guide, what we call the sadguru, and you just follow it. You follow that love that comes. I really like having no questions, other than that one about fear.
Trust as the antidote to fear
The fear question is understandable, because I speak a lot about fear, about fear and pain. But it is definitely not a requirement for there to be fear in this process.
This process is about the heart, and the antidote to fear is trust. Not trust in beliefs, but trust in the heart. It is something you are directly in touch with, and once that ignites and there is trust, fear is a lesser god.
Yes, I totally feel like the trust was huge.
That's clear. You may just be lucky in that whatever fear you had in the past, if any, was all that was needed, and the trust came. For me, there was a lot of distrust, so there was a lot of fear, a lot of battling with that, a lot of intensity. I think that's more common than not. But it's very obvious to me there is no need for fear if trust comes naturally. It's trust in mystery, trust in the heart, trust in the openness.
There has definitely been lots of fear and anxiety through the years before this.
And that's what I'm referring to. You've gone through it. It doesn't mean fear won't come up in the future, but there is no need for fear to be present. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is missing. Just celebrate. Celebrate the heart that is now opening and present. The love you see is really fundamental.
Thank you.
You're welcome.