Roles, Relaxation, and the Return to Life
Noticing What Is and the End of Seeking
September 3, 2025
dialogue

Roles, Relaxation, and the Return to Life

Roles, relajación y el regreso a la vida

A student describes how seeing through the "me" thoughts that arise in close relationships has led to deeper relaxation, more open interactions, and a growing sense of wisdom that seems to come through on its own.

Roles, Relaxation, and the Return to Life

A student describes how seeing through the "me" thoughts that arise in close relationships has led to deeper relaxation, more open interactions, and a growing sense of wisdom that seems to come through on its own.

There's been more and more seeing recently about "me" thoughts, how they arise in different life circumstances. Ram Dass said something like, "You think you're so enlightened? Go spend a week with your parents." I just had such a week, with my daughter visiting, a family reunion, and all of that. It's really fascinating to almost watch how the idea of a separate self and a certain role we have to play with certain people just arises.

But there's clearer seeing of that now, and more relaxation in the body. There's not such a tight grasping around "I'm the mother," "I'm the wife," "I'm the daughter." When you see this and relax, the interaction becomes so much more enjoyable and free. It's a felt sense of relaxation on both sides, just letting the interaction be.

When you said "both sides," what do you mean?

Both sides, meaning what I think is "me" and the other person. But it's more felt as just being together. Not "together" in the usual sense, but words flowing, energy flowing, love flowing, without identifying on either side. You're not stopping that energy by identifying with a role. It's such a strong pattern, and sometimes it's automatic. A person shows up in your vision and you immediately fall into the role you've had for years and years. But it's definitely getting clearer. The seeing feels deeper.

The deepest relationships as the deepest opportunity

It's quite beautiful. When we have a big shift, there's a big adjustment as well, especially in relationships. Those relationships, whether with parents, children, or a spouse, are the ones that trigger us the most, that challenge us the most. But they're also where there's the deepest opportunity to grow.

I speak a lot about waking up and growing up as two separate processes. They're very related, and ultimately what matters most is growing. But waking up enables us to grow. The more we wake up, the more life can become abundant. Ultimately, it's love: love expressed between humans, and from humans to all of our surroundings, to nature.

So it is ultimately about changing the world. But it doesn't work to go first to the world to change it. It doesn't work to go first to our partner or our parent and try to change them. That doesn't work. But when we change, then everything can change. Sometimes relationships break because of a change we have. A marriage might have to end. Conflicts might arise with relatives. But ultimately, the more we wake up, the more the relationships around us become nurtured, in both directions. There's more appreciation, more love. I think this is maybe what you're speaking to.

Yes. I noticed with my daughter, it's so much easier to help her. She's going through some hard times and there's a lot going on in her life. There's so much gratitude for being able to just help her openly, without the mother-daughter dynamic getting in the way. Wisdom sometimes comes out that I didn't know I had. And it's the same with my mother. I can see my husband starting to absorb something too. He doesn't really know what exactly I'm doing, but it is definitely felt.

Growing into wisdom

He feels it. And I was going to use the word wisdom, because in growing up, that's what we grow into, or towards: deeper wisdom.

Could you say also, embodying what you know?

Ultimately, you will start to notice that, as you said, this comes out. It's not you doing it, but it's all you at the same time. That's the paradox.

It feels more like the "me" thoughts, the "me" feeling, just not being in the way. Letting it flow.

When the thoughts about you are seen to be thoughts, and no longer the belief of what you are, that's the change. Now you don't need to protect a thought. You don't need to protect an image.

And that is where even the body relaxes. Everything around it relaxes.

But then you can also realize there's nothing wrong with thinking about yourself. It can be very practical. It's just no longer one hundred percent of what you are. It's a functioning.

Unbound consciousness and the pull of life

I had this experience in meditation once when it went really deep. Some teachers call it unbound consciousness. There was just that oceanic quality, and I couldn't move the body. There were hints of thoughts like, "How am I going to move? I could physically die right now." No fear, nothing. It was beautiful. But you can't function, you can't live or feed yourself. I suppose that's what happened to some sages in India, where society understands this. But not in the West.

For some, that's the destiny and that's the end. And for others, probably most who wake up to that, it's back to life. It's the celebration and the journey, the infinite growing into wisdom and expressing love, sharing.

I remember when that experience happened and the thought came, "I can physically die right now," there was no caring about it. It was beautiful. But then an image of my daughter's face came right in front of me, with this energy and feeling that she needs me in my form right now. That's when all the thoughts and movement started coming back. It was like coming back, but with the knowledge of that. That stillness always stayed.

Samsara is nirvana

Exactly. You're not that. And to see that samsara is nirvana, in Sanskrit terms. That which is the never-ending turmoil of life: we can realize nirvana. But to realize it as separate, and then to see that they are not two. Actually, you can forget about nirvana. You can forget about unbound consciousness, because this is unbound consciousness. That's all this is.

It feels like that ocean is just dancing, expressing. It's all the same. Thank you.

Thank you.