When Grief and Joy Arrive Together
Cuando el duelo y la alegría llegan juntos
A student describes an experience of uncontrollable crying that held both sadness and joy simultaneously. The conversation then turns to a question about whether certain unresolved experiences, such as a difficult breakup, require active engagement with another person in order to fully process and release them.
When Grief and Joy Arrive Together
A student describes an experience of uncontrollable crying that held both sadness and joy simultaneously. The conversation then turns to a question about whether certain unresolved experiences, such as a difficult breakup, require active engagement with another person in order to fully process and release them.
At a retreat, something happened that has occurred several times since, and once before: uncontrollable crying that came completely out of the blue. I wasn't attaching to any story about what it was, but I can say I had never felt anything come out that way before. When you described sadness and joy being felt at the same time, it just hit me. That was exactly it. They were totally coexisting.
When I thought about it afterward, my mind wanted to make it only positive, like it must be beauty or awe. But what was felt in the body could have been pain, sadness, grief, total awe, joy, and happiness, all in one. My mind would never have even considered that this was possible.
I remember the first time that happened to me. I was crying more deeply than ever before. At one point, I couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing. I thought, "No, I think it's more laughter now," and then, "No, actually..." It was both. It kept moving along the line between grief and absolute joy, between weeping and ecstatic laughter. It was just this fluid movement between the two.
Now I understand what people mean when they say, "And then you really start going mad." Thank you for that.
You're welcome.
Unresolved things that hold you back
I wanted to ask about things that hold you back: conversations you would like to have with someone, grief that lingers, something bugging you at the back of your mind. I have this experience where no matter how much I try to meditate on it or be with it, there is such a strong activity that it seems to require a more active form of reconciliation, or processing with the other person.
For example, if I had a very messy breakup and we never really got to talk about what happened, it just ended, and there is still a lot of attachment and grief. What would be your take? Might it be better in some cases to speak with the person in order to process and fully let go?
Very much so, and it really is a moment-to-moment thing. You might need time to process on your own first. Depending on the breakup, if there is room and openness at some point after a certain period of grieving and simply being with what happened, then yes, there is something that might not be possible to fully resolve unless you come to that conversation.
Taking care of what is yours
You need to be ready, but you are never going to feel ready. It is never going to feel resolved beforehand. The key is to take care of what is yours and not come to the relationship expecting something to be resolved by the other person. You really hold what is yours first. Once you can do that, it is possible that you need to speak to this other person and resolve things more fully.
But you would also have to see whether there is openness in that relationship for it to happen. If there is, then it could be very helpful as a way of clearing what happened and learning from it. Not as a way to fix things or go back to where they were, but as a way to learn, and to help each other understand what happened, so that the separation is more loving and healing than not.
It all depends, though. If things were really difficult and messy, going back to the person can make things worse.
Right. So the question becomes: am I doing it for me because I still have this attachment? Or could it be that this person will not be able to hear it? And really, the relationship is more of a general example. It applies to anything in my life that I feel is holding me back: things I would like to resolve, apologies I owe people.
Yes, exactly. All of that.