The Shame at the Root of Separation
La vergüenza en la raíz de la separación
A student describes encountering a deep layer of contraction and shame in meditation, and asks whether processing that pain is the pathway to freedom.
The Shame at the Root of Separation
A student describes encountering a deep layer of contraction and shame in meditation, and asks whether processing that pain is the pathway to freedom.
I was so glad to hear about this session. What a nice way to start the last day of the year.
I loved the meditation. It was deep, and I feel like I've been exploring what you guided us into: the sensation of the "I" in the body, that really core experience of the I and the body. It feels almost like a contraction to me, like a contracted body that has a shape. I've been becoming more aware of that. The more I see it, in moments it feels like it dissolves a bit, but it also becomes almost stronger, more centered. It's coming more into the throat and sternum and torso now.
In the meditation, it was very helpful to notice the question about why the feet feel different from those other sensations that feel closer. And at one point I noticed that the part through which I was experiencing was also part of that, in a way. There was something about the part that was looking: in a moment I recognized, "This is also a thought, or a sensation."
Coming up to the edge of that was very expansive, and in a moment, as I leaned into it, it was terrifying. It really made me want to go back.
I relate to everything you've said to others about that fear of no ground, no I. I saw the attachment to it very clearly. In moments, like during the retreat in Whistler, I went there and felt wonder and beauty. Today it felt very terrifying.
I want to bring up another thing, if that's okay. I've been deeply exploring shame. I feel like this body contraction is very tied up with shame. Almost like the deepest sense of not belonging is what I'm feeling. It's as if I could see how it projects my experience of the world through that lens, as if that fear of shame created a reality based on fear and rejection, with so much pain underneath it.
I'm trying to process it. I wonder if you have any insight into that.
It's all related.
Shame as a root of self
The shame is part of the psychology, the personal aspect of the mechanism of self. Shame is a very root, very key element. I always talk about fear and pain as fundamentals, and shame is basically a form of that: a particular arrangement of fear and pain. It is very fundamental, and it has to do with the core ways in which we create the sense of separation.
The layers of contraction and the imagined point of view
What you're describing, which is part of the point of that meditation, is to look at the layers. There is the layer of sensation and contraction, and that's where there is an anchoring of the sense of self. The sensation is the anchor because it is what creates a localization in the mind. We create a map of the world that is overlaid onto infinite space, which is not dimensional. That localization creates "me here, me not there." That is the separation: something here that is "I," and everything that is not that is "not I." The sensation is the anchor.
Then you saw that there is a point of view overlaid on that, located there. You saw that this too is an imagination. There is the assumption, "That's me looking, thinking, experiencing, perceiving from there." But actually it is just another layer of thought. There is a sensation, and then there is a thought layer that gets overlaid, like a wrapper around that sensation. I put this wrapper on with all of these colors and forms and shapes, and that becomes the "I" with all of its perspective.
You had a glimpse of perceiving that as object, of recognizing, "Oh, that's just more thought." The more you glimpse through those appearances and see them as not I, then you come to the root, also psychologically: the fear, the pain, and shame as one of them.
The great "no" that creates separation
In the Christian tradition, I think this is spoken to really well. I'm not sure if it's universal or if it resonates because we are in the West, but I think it is pretty universal. When we create the sense of separation, which is ultimately and deeply a choice, for that to happen there needs to be a really big "no" to what is. A really big "no" to life. A really big "no" to something fundamentally real and true. And that "I" is the one who says no. In a sense, we are saying no to God. We are saying no to creation. We are saying no to reality.
When you say that, I feel the pain. It's so profound.
And that is shame.
I was going to ask whether the pain is the pathway, or can be a pathway, to opening or transcending.
Seeing the truth, not processing emotion
Ultimately, the way through is seeing the truth, seeing reality. It is not about a process of emotion and feelings.
By seeing the truth of what I'm describing, seeing it in your own way (I'm describing it with words, but the more you see it in your way, in the truest way in which this is happening for you), ultimately you will come to that choice. You will know consciously that you are making that choice. It will be presented as: "You are choosing this. Do you wish to keep choosing this?"
When it is not a happening, in the sense that you are not a victim of something, when there isn't a thing doing something to you, when it is source choosing, then you are presented with a choice: to be something and suffer, or truth. What you are is unknowable, but free. Wanting to be something, wanting to be separate, requires illusion. It requires this big "no" to reality, to what is. And it also requires that you are the one who knows.
The trap of processing
All of these glimpses might give you the impression that processing is needed. For example: "I need to process the pain, I need to process the shame, I need to undo these contractions, and then I will arrive at some imagined state of peace." That is more of the same thing. That is more of "I know, and I will do it, and I will get there."
The only way through is seeing the truth, which doesn't mean the contraction ends. In fact, if it did, your body would be like a heap on the floor. The body naturally will have contractions, naturally will have tensions, naturally will have fears and pains that put it into states, even in freedom. Don't imagine that once this tension loosens, you'll arrive somewhere. That is an infinite, never-ending process of the illusion of "I" doing something, which stands on the very assumptions that are the root of that shame: "I know. I am doing something. I am the origin of the knowing and the doing."
That resonates a lot.
Freedom within the contraction
Then you will know the expansion in the contraction. You will know the freedom in the pain, the peace in the shame. And things will change. Something shifts energetically at the level of thoughts and emotions. There isn't a constant activation of fear and pain each day. But that is a consequence, not a solution. It is not the path.
I know what you mean. Some months ago I had that feeling: "This is like a hungry ghost. It won't stop."
Anything that is a process in time is illusion. That doesn't mean it has no value at the relative level. At the relative level, certain processes can be important. But at the level we're talking about, awakening and freedom, anything that is a process in time is illusion. It is all about seeing the reality, the truth of what is always here.
That's very helpful and insightful. Thank you. Happy New Year to everyone.