The Urge to Get Through It
El Impulso de Atravesarlo
A student notices that while meditation opens up a sense of space, there also seems to be a layer of repression underneath, and she wonders whether she needs to break through it to reach something deeper.
The Urge to Get Through It
A student notices that while meditation opens up a sense of space, there also seems to be a layer of repression underneath, and she wonders whether she needs to break through it to reach something deeper.
Something I've been noticing just very recently, in the last two or three days. When I feel everything that comes up while I'm meditating, it creates a space. But at the same time, I can also feel that I'm repressing something. I was talking to my mother last night, and I needed to repress certain things in order to talk to her. I know from experience that it's going to hit me, probably sometime tonight.
I'm not exactly sure what my question is. It seems like when I allow myself to feel everything, there's this space, and it can be really blissful and loving. But then there's also this other repression, something deeper or unconscious. Is that a deeper layer of the same thing?
First, regarding the repression you're describing: there's a lot of intellectual knowing here, because you recognize the patterns of how things happen for you. You're expecting something to hit you later.
I can also feel it, though.
What is it that you're feeling? Anxiety?
It's just a little bit there, but yes, the rest is intellectual.
Feeling what's here vs. anticipating what's coming
Whatever it is you're feeling, set aside the anxiety around the thought that something is going to come and hit you. What matters is what's actually happening in this moment. There seems to be a conflict between wanting to feel through what you expect you're repressing and what is actually here right now. You're going backward: you create space, and then you want to dive into what you imagine you're repressing.
I guess that's why I didn't have a really clear question. I suppose what I'm trying to say is: is there more?
Whatever happens tonight happens tonight, or it doesn't. It happens tomorrow, or not at all.
It's like I can feel it now, but not fully. It feels like a little animal poking its head above ground.
I understand. But what I'm saying is: whatever you're feeling now, the animal poking its head out, that is the extent of what you're feeling now. There is quite a bit of thinking around the idea that this is something you need to feel more of. There's a map and a strategy forming around what the process should be, what you should be feeling and when. Just notice that. If you're feeling anxiety, feel the anxiety. If you're worried you're going to feel pain, you'll feel it when you feel it.
To answer the question: yes, there is more. But when you're creating space, you're observing what's happening, and that feels good. There's also a complementary movement, which is going into it.
But my experience is that when I dive in, then there's a space.
Then what are you not diving into now? You're saying you're repressing something.
Well, you're right. That part is intellectual. I don't know for sure.
The seeking behind the question
Even if you're right, what is happening is that you have an anxiety around when the repression is going to open up, when what you're pushing away is going to come to the surface. If it comes tonight, it comes tonight. What's the problem if it comes in an hour, or tomorrow?
I think the question comes less from an anxiety about when it's going to come and more from a seeking of a bigger space.
Because you're wanting to get through the repression so you can get to a bigger space.
Yeah. And that just creates more of it.
Exactly. That's why I was pointing to the sense that it's going to happen later and that you need to get through the repression. Why?