The Urge to Get Through It
El impulso de atravesarlo
A student notices that while meditation opens up a feeling of space, there also seems to be something repressed underneath, and she wonders whether she needs to push deeper to reach it.
The Urge to Get Through It
A student notices that while meditation opens up a feeling of space, there also seems to be something repressed underneath, and she wonders whether she needs to push deeper to reach it.
Something I've been noticing just very recently, in the last two or three days. When I feel everything that comes up while I'm meditating, it creates a space. But at the same time, I can also feel that I'm repressing something. I was talking to my mother last night and I needed to repress in order to talk to her, and I just know that's going to hit me later, maybe tonight. I'm not exactly sure what the question is, but it seems like when I allow myself to feel everything, there's this space, and it can be really blissful and loving. But then there's also this other repression, like a deeper layer, maybe unconscious. Is that what's happening?
The intellectual map of repression
First, regarding what you're describing as repression: there's a lot of intellectual knowing here. You know the patterns of how things happen for you, and so you're expecting something to hit you later.
I can also feel it, though.
What is it you're feeling? Anxiety?
It's just a little bit there. But you're right, the rest is intellectual.
Whatever it is you're feeling, it could be anxiety around the thinking that something is going to come and hit you. That's what's happening in the moment. There's a conflict between wanting to feel through what you expect you're repressing, and what is actually happening right now. You're going backwards. You're creating space, and then you're wanting to go into something that isn't fully here yet.
I guess that's why I didn't have a really clear question. I guess what I'm trying to say is: is there more?
Feeling what's here, not what's anticipated
My point is that whatever happens tonight happens tonight, or not, or tomorrow. That's then.
It's like I can feel it now, but not fully. It feels like a little animal poking its head above ground.
I completely understand. But whatever you're feeling now, the animal poking its head out, that is the extent of what you're feeling now. There is quite a bit of thinking around "that's a thing I need to feel more of," and a map and strategy around what the process should be, what you should be feeling and when. Just notice that. If you're feeling anxiety, feel the anxiety. If you're worried you're going to feel pain, you'll feel it when you feel it.
To the question of whether there is more: yes, there is more. When you're creating space, you're observing what's happening, and that feels good. But there's also a complementary movement, which is going into it.
But feeling it is going into it. My experience is that when I dive in, then there's a space.
Then what are you not diving into right now? Because you're saying you're repressing.
Well, you're right. That part is intellectual. I don't know for sure.
Seeking a bigger space
Even if you're right that something is being repressed, what is happening right now is that you have an anxiety around when the repression is going to open up, when what you're pushing away is going to come to the surface. If it comes tonight, it comes tonight. What's the problem if it comes in an hour, or tomorrow?
I think the question comes less from an anxiety about when it's going to come and more from a seeking of a bigger space.
So you're wanting to get through the repression so you can get somewhere, a bigger space.
Yeah. Okay. And that just creates more.
Exactly. That's why I was pointing to the sense that it's going to happen later and you need to get through the repression. Why? The wanting to push past it in order to arrive somewhere bigger is itself another layer of the same pattern.