The Dissatisfaction That Work Cannot Satisfy
The Lover and the Beloved: Intimacy with What Is
March 29, 2023
dialogue

The Dissatisfaction That Work Cannot Satisfy

La insatisfacción que el trabajo no puede satisfacer

A wide-ranging dialogue in which several students explore the gap between what is happening right now and our resistance to it, the beliefs we bring into relationships, the sense of wonder that arises when we see reality directly, and the struggle to find fulfillment in work.

The Dissatisfaction That Work Cannot Satisfy

A wide-ranging dialogue in which several students explore the gap between what is happening right now and our resistance to it, the beliefs we bring into relationships, the sense of wonder that arises when we see reality directly, and the struggle to find fulfillment in work.

You don't really know how you're reacting to something because it's happening in the moment.

Everything that is happening, everything you are experiencing, you cannot change. You cannot change the exact thing that is happening. You can relate to it and move with it toward something different.

It's really subtle. You can change things in the practical sense. I can make a coffee now and change the current reality of being out of coffee. But the fact that I am out of coffee cannot be changed in the moment. And that is what we have a problem with.

The issue with what is happening right now

The issue we have with ourselves, with our lives, with our reality, is ninety-nine percent an issue with what is exactly happening right now. We are not okay with that. We have a problem with reality exactly as it is at every moment, most of the time.

In this work, the practice of presence and meditation is to sometimes suddenly, but often gradually, start to see that more and more and to recognize the futility of it. And so we become better artists, better creators.

There is more, actually. You can realize that reality exactly as it is right now is mind-blowingly beautiful, beyond what you could have imagined. But that is a realization. When the part of us that is constantly resisting, or believing that what is happening is not okay, when that stops, you can see reality as it is.

You make it sound so simple.

It is simple. The mind is going to make it complicated. It takes time because we have trained ourselves for so long to see things in a really complex way, because we are looking through our thinking. But it really is that simple. It is just one simple thing, and it makes all the difference.

I will remember that moment of calmness once I accepted what was happening. I'll keep that in mind. Thank you.

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When facing a situation of intimacy with another person, when communication is difficult, I realize I'm not seeing reality in that instant. I'm not seeing the whole picture. For example, with my granddaughter: I think I know what she needs or what I can give her, and yet the relationship with another human being who is so intimately related to me is far more complex than that. She is both another and not another.

I'm not seeing the whole picture. I can't assume that what I think in the moment is the totality, because this is a complex being and the relationship is subtle. At the same time, I can't stay mute. That person is asking something of me, and that instant can change everything. How do I advise? How do I talk? What do I say when I'm not seeing the total thing?

At that point, the only thing I can do is choose to relate to that instant in a different way, to be creative. But how? Without knowing what? All I did yesterday was wait and see what comes, listen to what is arriving from inside me. That instant I cannot change. Whatever mistakes I made, whatever happened between her and me, I cannot change. I can be frustrated. I can be many things. But what if, as you're saying, I can be creative with how I relate to that instant and the next, because that instant is intact forevermore? So my question is: how do I not interfere with that moment?

It is always now

The moment I am talking about is now. We can think of moments, the moments when this happened or that happened, and the moments that will happen. But that is mind. That is thinking happening now.

What I am talking about is now, and it is always now. Right now, you are relating to what you are experiencing in relationship to your granddaughter. You can look at, for example, the planning of when you are going to meet her, or what you might try to do differently. And that is happening now. Yes, it is mind, but it is a conversation we are having, and mind can also be a tool. It can be useful. But it is useful if, right now, we are aware that we are talking about a plan for when you meet her, or something you want to look at right now.

Examine the beliefs underneath

So, how can you not interfere? How can you be more creative? It is always going to be about looking at where you are coming from. What are the beliefs that you have? You said, "I know what she needs," or "I think I know what she needs." So it is a matter of looking at the beliefs you hold about yourself, about her, and about what is essentially wrong or missing.

If there is something you feel needs to be changed, addressed, or fixed in you, in the other, or in the relationship, look at the beliefs that make something essentially not okay. When we come to a relationship with anything (it could be a coffee maker, but it is far more complex with a person we love), if we come from a very subtle, hidden belief that something is essentially missing, something is essentially not okay, then we are going to try to fix that. This root sense of "something is not okay" often lodges in how I see myself, or the other, or the relationship. From there, the way I am relating, the way I am metaphorically touching that relationship, the other person, is going to propagate a noisiness, a friction, a problem. There is often going to be a certain level of anxiety around it.

Yes, it resonates. The way you are saying it, I come from a belief that I already know something is wrong and has to be fixed. I already know. Even if it is hidden, I "know."

And you know what the problem is, and you know what the solution is.

Exactly. Even if it is hidden, I "know," within quotes of course.

So, how not to interfere? Look at that. You can sit with it and investigate, not just a surface acknowledgment of "okay, I think I know." Really sit with it and investigate the nature of that belief: why it is there and what its purpose is. We believe things for a reason. There is a motive, a personal interest behind them.

To complete the thought: it is different to have a sense of "I think it might be this way, I'm going to try something new, I think this is what I want to address" when it comes from a place of unknowing, a more creative place.


The recognition itself is the miracle

I want to comment on the earlier dialogue. There is something miraculous about this process. Something you said sparked something in me, and it usually happens during these meditations, at least one or two things. It sparks something that does not usually get sparked out there in the world. And there is a noticing not only of the content of what you say, but of where it is coming from. I find that infinitely miraculous: that I can hear you and then I am immediately brought to another place. It is wonder. It is gratitude. It is something I can't even put into words. It happens so often, and I don't know if I will ever be able to analyze it. I don't even need to analyze it. But I have to say something: the fact that you say the thing and then it is actually recognized. It is so deeply moving. It can be just a tiny something. It does not matter how big or small it is. It is where it is coming from.

I would also say: it is you.

Yes, that's the miracle, that I could recognize it. I don't have any skill. It is just obvious.

I am just talking from a place that is natural, and I know it is natural in humans. In a sense, it is just a reminder. But you are the one who is remembering. You are remembering you. So it is really just you, and it is available to you always, because you are available to you.

And maybe that is what was so miraculous about a trip I was recently on. I kept encountering reminders of the reality of who I am, out there in the world. Mundane or chance encounters, events where I thought, "I can't believe that just happened. I can't believe I received that."

A virtuous circle

This experience you are describing, this "I can't believe," is a sense of coming close to mystery. The more you live in direct contact with reality, the more you see it, because you are seeing reality. There is this sense of wonder. In a sense, it becomes a virtuous circle.

That is exactly what I see happening. The more open I am to it, the more it happens. The more it happens, the more open I am. And as you were saying earlier, I have no control. I am here for the ride. I am not doing a thing. That is crazy good too.

That is lovely. That is true.


I don't know if this has anything to do with what we have been working on. It probably goes more into my ordinary life. It has to do with work. I have talked to you about this before.

In a book we are reading in another group, it describes the struggles of a woman who has cancer and is trying to find something beyond her identification with a search for what to do with her life. She was conditioned to a more masculine way of doing things, and she found that a more feminine approach was much more aligned with her essence. Something started stirring in me around that.

I work with music in a band, and I also build and sell instruments with a friend, and I do stock trading. There is something about trading, the intellectual side, that really attracts me, but I am not sure how much of that is conditioning. I have been dedicating hours every day for years. I have had good times and easier periods, but for more than a year now I have been failing miserably.

There is also something in me that hates doing only one thing. I hate being defined. When people say, "You're a musician, so that is what you should do," I resist it. But lately I have been thinking: maybe I could be using those hours for something where I don't fail so miserably, because it also takes energy from other things. I just feel so much frustration. Usually I am fine, but there is something in me that is never satisfied with anything I do in regards to work. Reading this book sparked an interest: maybe it is possible to be truly enthusiastic about your work. And it all gets mixed up with wanting to make more money, comparing myself to my partner who is doing really well, wanting to be more independent.

Nothing is off-limits here. You are sharing about your life, and that is exactly what we talk about, even if in general people don't get into a lot of personal details. This is perfectly a good place to talk about what you are bringing up.

The arts of living

There are aspects of what you are struggling with that relate to the arts of living. Some people are masters in different arts. If you want to improve your musical process, it is good to go to people who are masters of the musical craft. Same with business. But here we can talk about the struggle and find ways in which you can look at it differently.

What would you say, of everything you are describing, is the deepest struggle? Is it not making enough money? Is it a feeling of dissatisfaction, a sense of not being fulfilled with your work? Is it seeing a mirror in the book, where someone can actually be very satisfied? Or is it in the relationship and the challenges there?

I would say dissatisfaction with work, mainly. The music side, I know it is an important part of me. After playing I am always energized, happy. At the same time I am never satisfied with the type of work I do with this band in particular. And in the trading aspect, it is trying to make something else work and failing. So yes, basically dissatisfaction with work.

Practical and existential dissatisfaction

As a friend, I could say: you are putting a lot of hours into trading and it is not giving a return. It has been years. That does not sound like a promising path. It is not as though you are building a project. You are trying to learn a technique, and it has been a very long time. I am wondering, and we have talked about this: how much of your frustration with music comes from the fact that you are not putting energy into the music you love?

Could be. I just don't believe it would be possible to make money that way.

Right now, how much of your total income comes from music?

Everything, because I also buy and sell instruments. So it all has to do with music.

The dissatisfaction you are experiencing: it is hard to know how much of it comes from the work situation and how much is coming from something deeper. In the example of the book, the woman had a change in what she did, but I would say it came after an internal change that was catalyzed by cancer.

I would recommend you prioritize making as much money as you can with anything you are doing that already makes money. Once that is in place and your energy is fully there, then focus on inner work, personal work. But I don't think you are putting enough energy into money-making work, music or otherwise. If you are putting years and hours into day trading and it is not making money, then that is not energy directed toward money-making work. Whereas writing songs and finding places to play them where they pay you might make more money than the stock market for you.

I don't know about writing songs, because in Spain it is mostly about cover bands. But at least trying to play more and get paid for it, that is something I had been considering.

A dissatisfaction work cannot satisfy

There is a kind of dissatisfaction that work is just not going to satisfy.

Yes. And I started seeing a lot of that through working with you.

But still, while doing that inner work, you can discover that you have a lot more energy for movement, pursuing, creating, co-creating. And maybe your reaction to people putting you in a box, your hatred of doing just one thing: maybe it is a resistance to really focusing on something and taking a big risk. Not financially, but internally.

Yes.

Burn the bridges.

Yes. I am also very resistant to letting go of trading. I have built a dream around it. You see people making thousands of dollars a minute and living wherever they want.

That is the kind of thing they sell to you. But let me ask: it has been many years. If you add all of the money you have put in and all the money you have made, is the total positive or negative?

I'm not sure. Maybe break even, because I made many big mistakes that cost me money.

It does not seem to be a direction for you.

I guess I'm afraid of quitting when maybe I'm near the point where I would start being good at it.

That is possible. I am not saying to quit. But if you can take the hours of effort you are putting into that and direct them toward work that is more immediately giving you money, then follow the money, in a sense.