The Love of the Storm
El Amor de la Tormenta
A student describes the push and pull between seeking relief from the intensity of being a separate self and fearing the loss of experience altogether. The teacher reframes the inner storm not as a problem to fix, but as something secretly loved and freely chosen.
The Love of the Storm
A student describes the push and pull between seeking relief from the intensity of being a separate self and fearing the loss of experience altogether. The teacher reframes the inner storm not as a problem to fix, but as something secretly loved and freely chosen.
It's this normal human thing, and then to hear about all this from you, and also to feel the pull. I really go for it a lot. And the relief, when I have the feeling I've got it, when I'm not my center anymore: that is such a big relief.
Sometimes I had the fantasy of killing myself, though I found it illogical, because if you kill yourself then you can't enjoy anything anymore. So I certainly didn't want to kill myself. But when I was so under pressure in life, I sometimes felt that this was my escape. Just to be dead, and then everything would be okay.
With non-duality, it's a little bit the same. I feel the relief that I'm not the center anymore, that there is some escape from this hell of being caught in all these things. There's much more space. I can relax. It's just happening.
But then there is also something: if I'm really going to die, if that's what will happen, then I can't enjoy it. I feel caught in between. Part of me thinks, "What am I doing all the time?" I can't quite explain it. Maybe you feel it. Maybe I don't even have a question. It is a question, but maybe it's not burning enough.
No, it's burning.
The aesthetic of intensity
What I was referring to is this push and pull. There are different energies, and a part of you in this process, in this life, is very attached to intensity and storminess. We need to recognize that we elicit stormy mental and emotional experiences because there's something in them that has an aesthetic quality, as much as it can be painful or uncomfortable. I'm using the word "aesthetic" deliberately. Some people go to a museum and look at a picture of war and think, "Wow." There's a sense of beauty or attraction, even a love for "I'm in this storm, and it's horrible, and I want out."
If you didn't want to end the storm, there wouldn't be a storm. The only way you can experience a storm is by wanting to be in it and wanting it to end at the same time. It's the perfect storm. If you end it, you're going to miss it. And if you're just in a storm and you love the storm, it's not a storm. It's only a storm if you don't want it and you want it to end.
So notice how there's this savoring. There's an enjoyment of that intensity. And there is a beauty to it. Literally, I'm not saying something is wrong. I'm saying there is an actual beauty to it. To the divinity in us, to the divinity in this: what a story, what a journey. We have the freedom to create experiences of endless possibility.
Why we create the storm
You were asking in the beginning, "Why do we do this?" I don't think there's one answer, because the "why" is infinite. But if I were to say something, it's to savor the journey. At some point, you might get tired of a certain storminess and want something else. But in the meantime, savor it.
I want to use more careful words here, because I'm not speaking to the part of you that doesn't want the storm and telling that part to savor it. No. I'm talking to the part of you that savors it already, that is having a certain kind of deep, secret enjoyment of it. There is nothing wrong with that.
I'm saying: recognize that energy so you can see what's creating this cycle of storm, peace, storm, peace. In that push and pull, an experience is being created. We propagate this when we think we are victims of it, when we think it's happening to us. In a very deep sense, we are creators. There's a certain drive and a certain motive. I'm talking from experience of loving the storm. And the storm can only exist when I want it to end.
So if I'm fighting it, you mean there's going to be a splitting?
Yes. There's a part of you that wants to have this big experience, but it's crazy and stormy and full of fear. And there's a part of you that wants rest and peace. There's a whole energizing of what I'm calling storminess. When you were talking about it, that's exactly what I'm referring to. That's what you're experiencing.
What I'm trying to point to is that there's a deep place in you that has a valid love for this. I'm trying to describe it in a way so it doesn't seem like something is wrong with you. Do you recognize what I'm referring to?
I heard this about the intense seeking of intensity and storminess. Yes. I more felt what you said than understood it intellectually.
Having the cake and eating it too
And so I would even say you don't have to let go of that. In the meditation, I said you can have the cake and eat it too. You can be fully at peace and live in a storm. And actually, you are already free from that storm.
The more we honor that which we love, the more we will find the peace in what we are. And you'll be free to move that energy in more and more creative ways. I'm not talking necessarily about art, just life creation. You'll be able to hear more deeply in yourself what your heart longs to create: what kind of journey, storm or non-storm, what to bring into being.
I did not expect this answer.
Neither did I.
You can be at peace and in a storm. You don't have to lose the capacity to experience storminess. Savor it. Love it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.